Angels on the Moon
by Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
Summary: "Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know, If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon, Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon." I wish I knew where it all went wrong, I wish I could go back and start again. I wish she had picked me...
1. Chapter 1

Here is a new project I have been working on, I would love to hear your thoughts and comments! Chapter one is a short one, sorry!

**Angels on the Moon**

Chapter One

The first time I met her she was all buck teeth, wild, messy chocolate curls and huge brown eyes that twinkled with laughter and mischief. She was a 4 year old ball of energy, always on the go and always getting herself into trouble. She was charming and engaging, even when I met her all those years ago.

I was the shy little blonde girl with saucer sized blue eyes who was enthralled by her and the energy that surrounded her. I practically hero worshiped her. She was the type of person that people just flocked to, she drew people in and made them never want to leave her orbit.

Unfortunately that was not the case when I came face to face with her over 25 years after our first meeting. It seemed like a lifetime later to be honest. No matter that I had last seen her in person only a few years ago the picture that sprung to my mind, and would probably always spring to my mind, was that of the cheeky tomboy I had known so many years before.

The buck teeth were gone, the result of braces and some very expensive dental work in her teen years. The chubbiness of youth had given way to a frame that was skinnier and gaunter than I had ever seen it. The muscular frame she had once been so very proud of had wasted away to a skeleton with pale washed out skin stretched over it. The abundant, wild mahogany curls were now thinning, dull brown hair that hung in limp curls down over her bony shoulders. But the most troubling of all were her eyes. Those big brown eyes that had once sparkled with so much life were now dead. They were cold. There was nothing even resembling the girl I once knew in those eyes. That little girl I saw in my mind was just that, an image. It broke my already shattered heart.

My Dad stepped forward as if to embrace her, only to draw back as she violently shied away and stared coldly at him. I felt my heart break, even though I was certain it could not break anymore. I mean what was left of my heart for her was so destroyed I doubt it could even crack anymore. Dad flashed me a smile of infinite sadness before turning to face her again with a look of understanding and compassion on his face, "Hello Ashley, I'm sorry we have to meet again under these circumstances. It has been way too long."

She wouldn't look at him, wouldn't even acknowledge that she had known my Dad at all when once upon a time he had been the father figure she had so desperately needed while her father was off and away. My family was her family, well it _had_ been.

My Dad nodded, clearly not at all surprised by her lack of response. He was used to dealing with people with problems like hers. For me it was very different. I wasn't standing in front of a stranger who needed my help, I was standing face to face with someone who used to be my world.

Dad took a slow, careful step closer to her and smiled kindly, "I know this is a lot to take in Ashley, I know it can't be easy to be here," He paused and looked back at me with sympathy in his blue eyes before continuing, "but I really do think we can help you Ashley. I honestly believe that this is the best place for you right now."

She just stared at the gravel beneath her feet and said nothing. The wind whipped at her hair and tugged at her clothes, showing just how skeletal she had become. She looked so fragile, so lost. She just looked so damn broken.

Dad gestured towards the large house behind us, "Why don't we head inside and get you settled in ok Ashley?"

Ashley didn't respond she just followed along behind him wordlessly, not looking at anything other than the ground under her feet. As she walked past me I searched her downcast eyes for any sign of a reaction, of an emotion. Anything to tell me that seeing me was affecting her as much as it was affecting me. There was nothing, it was like she had no strength left in her to feel emotions.

It wasn't how I saw us meeting up again, and I had always known that we would. There are some people who you are just destined to have in your life. They may move in and out of it, but fundamentally they are always a part of you and who you are. Ashley and I were soulmates, our lives were meant to be intertwined together. I knew that no matter the hurt, pain and anger between us we would find a way back to each other. I just never thought it would be like this.

I had pictured the moment we would come face to face again so many times, and never had it gone like this. In my head she came back to me healthy, happy and ready to mend all that had gone wrong. In my fantasy she came back to me as the person she was before everything happened. In all my dreams she came back to me as _my_ Ashley, not the decimated version of herself that she had become.

I watched them walk inside the house and then turned to face the man I had been deliberately ignoring as he stood motionlessly behind her. He pushed his shaggy blonde hair back from his face and took a hesitant step towards me. I held my ground, even though the sight of him filled me with so much anger, sorrow, guilt, regret and even a tinge of happiness that I thought I would lose my mind.

He looked decades older than he had the last time I'd seen him. His once hansom face was lined with sadness and worry and some uncertainty. I was glad to see it, he should feel all that and more standing face to face with me after so long. He should feel disgusted with himself after bringing her back to me so broken. Let face it, it was easier to blame him for her state then to acknowledge the part I had to play. I had gotten good at smothering my guilt over Ashley.

"Hello Spencer, you look well." He said nervously shoving his fidgeting hands deep into the pockets of his ripped jeans, making the chains hanging from his belt clang nosily together. Ever the rock star that one. From his spiked, purposely messy peroxide blonde hair, to his scuffed leather boots, Raife Davies screamed rock star.

I scoffed and folded my arms over my chest as I glared angrily at him, "Which is more than I can say for your daughter Raife." I shook my head and asked, "When I last spoke to you, you told me she was getting better! What the hell happened to her?"

I frowned at the way my voice cracked with emotion, I wanted to be the strong one here. I wanted to stand strong against the crushing emotions threatening to render me incapacitated. I wanted to be the one with the stony exterior, the one who showed nothing. I didn't want any of them to see just how much this was tearing me up inside. God was it tearing me up inside!

Raife Davies hung his head as shame coloured his tanned cheeks. He shuffled his feet a little on the gravel, much like his daughter had done, and cleared his throat. He glanced up in the direction that my father had taken his daughter, staring at that house as if it was going to give him all the answers and sighed, "I didn't do that to her Spencer."

I shook my head in disbelief and snapped angrily, "Well then who did Raife?"

He locked his ice blue eyes on mine and said in a soft, sad voice, "You did."


	2. Chapter 2

First of all I want to thank everyone for their kind words, for adding alerts and favourites on this new endeavour of mine. It really means a lot.

I specifically want to thank the following people for their kind reviews: Sgarc12, SoNfan110, L2GQ, Harley Quinn Davidson, waterproof88, pati1996, Rachel2020, Breakdown6, babykennedy, sra and Rory89892002.

I wanted to say a special thank you to the following:

ConnieLaxer12 – My dear Jester thank you for making me smile!

Idwalkthroughhell4u – My friend please forgive the torture and lack of disclosure thus far!

Shayer – My dear friend how are you? I have missed you and was thinking of you just the other day! I wanted to reply to your review, but it wouldn't let me as it has you as a guest. I hoop you are well and would love an email/PM from you. Thank you for your beautiful, kind words and I hope to hear from you soon.

**Angels on the Moon**

Chapter Two

_Previously…_

"_I didn't do that to her Spencer."_

_I shook my head and snapped, "Well then who did Raife?"_

_He locked his ice blue eyes on mine and said in a soft voice, "You did."_

I lashed out before I even knew what I was doing and slapped him so hard across the face that his head snapped backwards. This man had once been family to me and now I hated him. I hated him for not being able to protect her and I hated him for saying what I didn't want to hear. I hated him for the fact that his words held some truth in them, but most of all I hated him for the fact that I didn't actually hate him, that I missed him and the family I had found and then lost with the Davies.

I stepped back from the shocked man in front of me and snarled as tear broke free and started to course in rivers down my face, "Don't you dare stand there and blame this all on me Raife! You were there! You saw what happened, why it had to happen! You know I did what I needed to, it wasn't about me. It was much bigger than me and you know that. I tried so hard to hold onto her, but she just pulled away. You saw what was happening to Ashley. You could have stopped it before it got to this. We…You should have helped her!"

Raife stepped closer to me, his hand pressed over the cheek I had struck, and used his free hand to pull me into his chest. I buried my face against his vintage band t-shirt and sobbed. I sobbed too many years worth of agony into his grey t-shirt and then relaxed into the strong arms that held me.

Raife kissed the crown of my head and rubbed soothing patterns on my back as he tried to comfort me. I had missed his hugs. "I'm so sorry Spencer, I shouldn't have said that. I just...I just don't know what to say or do here. I just haven't got a clue what to say to you. I guess part of me is angry at all of this and then the rest of me is guilty for the fact that she has gotten to this point," He paused and sighed tiredly, "Ashley has been broken for a long time and I have tried so hard to help her and I just couldn't. I tried everything to reach her Spencer, I promise you that. I brought her here because I know that your parents have a lot of experience with this and also because I believe that you are the only one that can get through to her now."

I shook my head against his now very damp chest and let out a shuddering breath before sniffling a little, "What makes you think that I can reach her now, when I couldn't before?"

Raife pulled back a bit so he could look down into my eyes, "It's different now Spencer. She knows what it is to live without you in her life and it isn't working for her. This is the only place she can heal. I truly believe that."

I smiled sadly through my tears, "I wish I could believe that Raife, but I've been here before with her. Back then she had every reason to stop, to sort herself out and she wouldn't do it. I mean what has changed so much in the last two years that you think I can actually help her this time when I have failed so many times before?"

Raife sighed sadly, "Because this is it Spencer, if she doesn't get herself sorted this time then it's over. Her body will not take the abuse any longer, she is slowly killing herself and I know that you don't want that for her."

"Of course I don't want that! No matter what has happened between us, I don't want her to hurt herself. I just don't see how you think I can help her. I mean she has made it abundantly clear that the life we shared means nothing to her, she never looked back Raife! Not once! She just walked out of our lives and was just gone." I cried, hurt, confusion and desperation staining my voice.

"Spencer, you told her to leave," Raife said gently.

I shook my head sadly, "Yeah I did, I guess I just never thought she would actually go. I thought she'd pick us you know? I thought she would choose her family, not her demons."

"I know Spencer, none of us really did. I think that's why it got as bad as it did, because we all assumed she would come back to us. We all thought she would choose life with her family over the hell she was inflicting on herself," Raife said as he led me over to the hand-crafted bench in the front yard.

I sighed sadly and looked out over the farm that held so many memories. All the big moments of my life happened on this farm, and many of those involved Ashley. I gazed up at the hill that we used to climb that gave us a view of the entire property and sighed.

Raife took my hand in his and gave it gentle squeeze, "I know it is a lot to ask, bringing her here and disrupting your life. I know I am asking you way too much, but I also know that deep down you would never forgive either me or yourself if we didn't at least give this a try."

I shook my head, "It _is_ way too much to ask Raife, but you know that doesn't matter."

He smiled sadly and nodded, "I am so sorry all this happened Spencer, I wish it hadn't. I wish we could go back to the days where the two of you were running around in matching sweaters and playing together here on the farm. I wish we could go back and start again."

I sighed tiredly, "Me too Raife, me too. I wish I could go back to the day we met and start all over again…"

_Flashback_

_I held onto my Dad's hand as he led me forward towards the tall man with the yellow spiky hair and the girl with the pretty curls who was grinning excitedly at me like I was a new toy. I glanced at their really shiny big car then flicked my eyes back to the strangers in my front yard._

_I gripped my Dad's hand tightly and scuffed my feet in the gravel as he led me closer to them, a kind smile flashing down at me. "Don't be shy Spence, this is my friend from college Raife Davies and his daughter Ashley, I think you two will be great friends."_

_Dad looked up at the man and said warmly, "Hi Raife I'm so glad you guys made it out here! It's been a long time." _

_The man Dad called Raife smiled with very, very white teeth and shook Dad's hand, "It has been way too long Art so thanks for inviting us. Ashley has been so excited all day!"_

_Dad knelt down and smiled at me and then at the Ashley girl, "Hello Ashley, my name is Arthur and this is Spencer."_

_Ashley studied me with her lips pursed into a look of concentration and then looked at my Dad and nodded, "Hi Arthur, my name is Ashley Christine Davies and I'm 4 years old!" she announced proudly before turning to me, "Hi Spencer! That's a funny name...but I like it!"_

_I frowned, not sure how to respond, when Ashley grabbed my hand and hugged me. Dad and Raife laughed at the look of surprise on my face. Ashley squeezed me tightly and squealed, "We are gonna be the very bestest friends Spencer!"_

_I pulled back and keep a hold of her hand in mine, "You wanna meet my pony, Henry? He's grey and has a fluffy mane!" Ashley nodded, a huge, buck-toothed smile shining on her face. "Daddy can we please go see Henry?" I asked my Dad hopefully._

_Dad nodded and led us towards the paddock. Ashley and I skipped along, hand in hand laughing loudly as we raced ahead of our fathers and towards the paddock where Henry was standing patiently waiting for us._

_I heard Dad say to Raife, "I think those two are going to be joined at the hip for the rest of their lives." Both of them laughed and smiled after us._

_End of flashback_

I sighed, my eyes drawn to the well-worn path we had followed down to the paddock that day and many other days after that. I smiled fondly at my old pony Henry as he rested under a tree near the gate. He was a very old man now, easily over 30 years old. Henry had taught Ashley, me and our many friends and siblings how to ride and had been what had first bonded Ashley and I together.

Raife followed my eyes and chuckled when he saw the old pony with his head hanging over the fence looking at us, "Please tell me that isn't Old Henry? Wow you girls would spend hours with him when you were little! He was the best babysitter we could have asked for!"

I smiled sadly and nodded, "Yeah, he is part of the family and is happily enjoying an easy retirement in his favourite paddock."

Raife cleared his throat and turned his head to face me, "So can I bring up the as yet unspoken topic of..."

I interrupted him, "there is nothing to say, I promise everything is ok."

He nodded and chewed his lip a little as nerves started to get the better of him, "Would it be ok…I mean would it be too much to ask if…um can possibly ask…Could I see her? Please Spencer?"

I took a deep breath and nodded with a small smile, "I think she would like that...I'll take you to her."

Raife stood up and offered a hand to help me to my feet. I accepted his help and climbed to my feet. We started walking towards the pickup truck I used to drive around the farm when something told me to turn around and look behind me. When I did I saw the sorrowful sight of a ghost like Ashley standing in the window of the upstairs bedroom that used to be mine. She was staring out over the farm that had once been her second home. Her whole frame screamed of little girl lost as her eyes danced over the scenery until they landed on me.

Ashley's emotionless brown eyes locked on mine for just a moment, before she wrenched them from mine and continued her search of the farm. I sighed and climbed into the driver's side of the truck, I wondered what it was that Ashley was searching for. What answers was she hoping to find? Maybe one day she would give me the chance to find out.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you to all who have read, reviewed, favourited, alerted and all that for this story.

Many of you are suggesting possible ideas for what is going on, I can't reveal anything yet, but questions will be answered I promise.

Thank you to Harley Quinn Davidson, babykennedy, julsola007, Breakdown6, waterproof88, pati1996, idwalkthroughhell4u, Sgarc12, L2GQ, Shayer (I couldn't respond to your review, but thank you for your way too kind words!) and Born2Try.

**Angels on the Moon**

Chapter Three

_Previously…_

_Ashley's emotionless brown eyes locked on mine for just a moment, before she wrenched them from mine and continued her search of the farm. I sighed and climbed into the driver's side of the truck, I wondered what it was that Ashley was searching for. What answers was she hoping to find? Maybe one day she would give me the chance to find out._

I pulled up in front of the modest cottage a short drive down the driveway from the main house. The cottage was small, but cosy and I always felt instantly at home and relaxed there. It had a little veranda and big bay windows at the front. It was a single story place in a beautiful red brick with brightly coloured flowers all through the garden. My parents had the place built for me a few years ago when I had come back home after...everything.

I shut off the engine and sat with my hands clutched tightly around the steering wheel. Raife reached over and placed his big hand over mine, "Spencer if you don't want to do this then that's ok. I understand, I really do."

I smiled gratefully, "don't be silly Raife, I want for you to see her, it's just been a long time is all and it's been a really overwhelming day. I feel like I have been through the emotional ringer"

He nodded, "Yeah, it's been what... twelve months since I last saw her and you. I'm sorry it was so long, I was just so consumed trying to get through to Ashley I forgot about the rest of the world for a while. I am really sorry Spencer."

I reached over and gave him a hug. I released him and we climbed out of the pickup. I swung open the white picket gate and led Raife into the quaint little yard that surrounded my home. I shut it behind him and then beamed at the sound of little feet pounding on the hardwood floor of the house. I knelt down in anticipation when a little blur of brown curls came barrelling out the screen door and raced into my arms.

"Allie, Allie would you slow down!" I heard my mother yell as she raced out after the little girl in my arms.

"It's ok Mom, I've got her," I said as I stood up holding the four year old against my chest.

I turned to Raife and smiled lovingly down at the little girl, "Allie this is your Poppy, you remember Poppy don't you?"

Allie glanced up at Raife from where she had buried her face under my neck and nodded, her expressive blue eyes staring shyly at the man she hadn't seen in over a year. My daughter had certainly inherited my shyness.

Raife bent down until his face was at her level and smiled kindly as he said softly, "Hello Allie, I am so glad to see you again. Poppy has missed you!" Allie looked curiously at the man who she vaguely recognised, but was still a little unsure of.

I heard my mother moved to stand beside me. Raife straightened up and smile hesitantly at my mother, "Hello Paula, how are you?"

"I'm well Raife and you?" Mom asked tightly. She loved Ashley like a daughter and part of her blamed Raife for the state in which Ashley had been brought back into our lives. I guess I should be grateful that she didn't blame me.

"I'm doing as well as can be expected," Raife murmured, his gaze flicking back and forth between Allie, my Mom and me. It was like he was too scared to look at either one of us for too long.

Mom pursed her lips and placed her hand on my back, "Sweetie if you are ok here I'm going to head up to the main house and help your Dad settle Ashley in, I think we might have a long night ahead of us. I've made pasta for your dinner, just heat it up," I nodded and smiled thankfully at my Mom before she turned to Ashley's father, "Raife it was good to see you again." Mom smiled tightly at Raife as she strode past him to walk back up to the main house.

Raife let out a deep breath once Mom was out of earshot and wiped his hand across his forehead anxiously, "So she still hates me then."

I shook my head, "No she doesn't, she just really loves Ashley and has missed her a lot."

Raife nodded and said sadly, "Does Allie even remember her?"

Allie looked up at the mention of her name and looked at Raife questioningly. I shook my head at him and said, "She knows she has another Mom, but doesn't really remember Ashley too well. I show her photos and tell her stories, but it's just not the same."

Raife sighed and smiled warmly at Allie, "So little pumpkin do you think Poppy could have a cuddle?"

Allie's eyes widened at the name only her Poppy had ever called her and she stretched her arms out to him, all uncertainty forgotten. I smiled as Raife took his granddaughter into his arms and cuddled her against him. Little pumpkin was a pet name that always filled my heart with warmth, Raife has always called Ashley pumpkin so when Allie was born she was immediately called 'little pumpkin'.

Allie snuggled closer to her Poppy. It was amazing but seeing Allie from the back, a mess of wild mahogany curls, I felt like I was stepping back into my childhood and watching a hug between Raife and Ashley.

_Flashback_

"_Daddy look at me!" Ashley squealed as she nudged Henry into a trot down the arena towards where I stood with our Dads._

"_Looking good Pumpkin," Raife called out with a beaming smile of pride on his face._

_Ashley and I were best friends and had been since they day we met almost a year ago now. We did everything together and even went to the same elementary school. We were so close that all the other kids were jealous of us. They all wished they had a best friend like us._

_Every day we came back to my family's farm and rode Henry after school, my Mom was even teaching us so we could get better and then maybe we could go into competitions and things like that. While we were riding Ashley's Dad would arrive to pick her up and usually bring her little sister Kyla with him. _

_I like Kyla, she was super cute. She was three years old, so two years younger than Ash and I. She wasn't allowed to ride Henry by herself like Ashley and I were, but sometimes my Mom and Mr Davies would let her sit on him and lead her around. She would giggle and clap her hands. Kyla loved Henry just as much as Ash and I did._

_Ashley and Kyla had different Moms. Ashley's Mom had died when Ashley was born and then a year and a half later Mr Davies had married Kyla's Mom Anne. I liked Anne, she was nice and always gave me a hug when she saw me. Ashley loved her too and called her Mom, just like she was her real Mom._

_Anne worked as a school teacher at the elementary school Ashley and I went to. Mr Davies was a singer in a band. My parents had different jobs, my Dad was a social worker and my Mom was a doctor. I also had two older brothers, Clay and Glen. I loved my family and Ashley's family._

_We lived in California, just outside of LA. It was always sunny and nice and I loved it there._

_So anyway, this afternoon Mr Davies arrived to collect Ashley and we were still riding around. It was Ashley's turn and she was showing how she had learned to do a rising trot. It was really hard, but my Mom was helping us to get better and better. _

_Kyla was sitting next to me clapping her hands as Ashley trotted past. Kyla loved Ashley and copied everything she did. It was the cutest! I sometimes wished I had a little sister, so I pretended Kyla was my sister too._

"_Daddy! Can you see how good I'm getting?" Ashley called out excitedly._

_Mr Davies was about to respond when Henry tripped and sent Ashley spilling off the side onto the sand of the arena. Before anyone else could move Mr Davies was over the fence and running for Ashley._

_Poor Henry looked so ashamed as he stood next to a crying Ashley with his head hanging low._

_Mr Davies scooped Ashley up in his arms and dropped kisses all over her face until she was laughing not crying. He stood up and held her close to him as he asked, "Are you ok pumpkin?"_

_Ashley slid her thumb into her mouth and nodded, a few tears still making their way down her dirty cheeks. Mr Davies pulled out a tissue and wiped her face clean before carrying her over to Henry. _

"_No Daddy, no! I don't want to I'm scared!" Ashley cried as she wiggled in his arms._

"_Pumpkin you have to, when you fall off a horse you should get right back on. I promise that Henry didn't mean to hurt you, just look at him! He is so sad that he hurt you."_

_Ashley looked over at the ashamed looking pony and pouted, "Poor Henry, ok I'll do it!"_

_Raife snugged her closer to him in a warm hug, all we could see was his smiling face and Ashley's, wild, messy curls._

_End of Flashback_

I smiled fondly at the way Raife held Allie in his arms. I had missed him and I know Allie had too. When she was a baby, Raife was always around. It had been funny to watch him and my parents try to outdo each other as grandparents!

Allie pulled back a little and beamed at her Poppy, "I missed you Poppy!"

Raife smile and said softly, "I missed you too little pumpkin."

I stepped closer and rested a hand on Allie's back as Raife held her, "So Allie would you like it if Poppy stayed for dinner?"

Allie nodded excitedly and kissed Raife on the cheek. He went to protest, but I cut him off, "No arguments Raife, we have plenty of food plus Allie and I want to spend time with you. Also it has been a long and exhausting day so I don't think you should head back to the city tonight. Have dinner and stay in the guest room, tomorrow we will talk to my parents and see how Ashley is doing. Please?"

Raife nodded, "I'd love that Spencer, thank you."

I smiled and led him inside, with Allie still cuddled in his arms.


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you to everyone who added alerts, favourites or read the last chapter. Thank you especially to those who reviewed. They were so kind I am overwhelmed!

Thank you to, waterproof88, pati1996, babykennedy, taymm15, Breakdown6, SONFan, L2GQ, julsola007, Born2Try, Harley Quinn Davidson, vts, Rachel2020, Sgarc12 and hugbuddy125.

**Angels on the Moon**

Chapter Four

I carried the plates to the table and set them in front of a giggling Raife and Allie. I smiled at them both and said, "Ok dig in!"

Raife looked at me surprised, "What no Grace?"

I shook my head, "Only when we eat with my parents, God and I aren't on speaking terms anymore. Now eat! Enjoy!"

Raife gazed at me sadly before he started to eat his dinner, Allie grinned at both of us and started in on hers. It wasn't long before a lovely coating of pasta sauce was all over her face, causing both Raife and I to laugh.

Once we had eaten and I had scrubbed the sauce off Allie's face (I honestly think there was more on her face than in her stomach) we all moved to the cottage's cosy living room and settled in the plush brown leather sofa. Allie planted herself between Raife and I and took it in turns snuggling up to each of us.

"Poppy can you tell me a story about my Momma?" Allie asked with a hopeful look in her big blue eyes.

Raife looked over at me and I smiled encouragingly, he beamed at Allie and said, "Sure little pumpkin, stories about your Momma are my favourite! What kind of story would you like?"

Allie thought for a moment and said, "I want one about Mommy and Momma when they were little like me!" On my look she added, "Please Poppy."

Raife grinned and started his story, "Well did you know that your Mommy and Momma were best friends when they were little?" Allie nodded frantically, already so excited to hear the story, "Well during the summer holidays while Poppy and Nanny were travelling because Poppy was singing his songs, your Momma lived with your Mommy and Grams and Gramps."

"Really?" Allie asked looking at me with wide eyes.

"Yep, you Momma would stay with us and her and Uncle Glen would get into all kinds of trouble while me and Uncle Clay tried to stay out of it so Grams and Gramps didn't get mad at us, "I smiled fondly at the memories, it had been an amazing time of my life.

I let my mind wander as Raife told a story about a camping trip on the farm that Ashley, my brothers and I went on. My mind wandered to a different camping trip, one that was just me and Ashley.

_Flashback_

"_Ash! Ashley slow down! What's the rush?" I panted as I raced after my best friend who was striding up the hill to our special, secret spot._

"_We don't want to miss it Spence so hurry up!" She called back to me as she picked up her pace._

_I groaned loudly and moved a little faster after her, my leg muscles straining from the exertion. I followed her bouncing brown curls up the hill and into the little clearing that overlooked the entire farm. This was our spot, one we had discovered together when we were only about 5 years old and ran away from our parents for a total of half an hour. We told no one else about it and came up here whenever we could sneak away from my brothers._

_This was a special night for us, we were 12 years old and it was the very first time our parents had let us go camping on my family farm without my older brothers or an adult. I felt so grown up!_

_I sighed in relief as I set my backpack and sleeping bag down on the ground and fell onto my back with my hands folded behind my head, "Ah that's better! Now will you tell me what the rush was?" I asked Ashley as she stood over me._

_Ashley rolled her eyes and pointed at the sky that was just starting to be filled with the colours of sunset, "that was the rush doofus, I didn't want us to miss the sunset!"_

_I followed where she was pointing and got to my feet, staring in awe at the beautifully coloured sky. The sun was a ball of orange and red, while the sky around it was a mix of pinks, purples, golds and blues. It was amazing._

"_Wow!" I whispered._

_Ashley slung her arm around my shoulder and leaned into me as she murmured back, "I know right."_

_I smiled at her and dropped a kiss on her cheek. Ashley beamed and we both turned to gaze up at the sky until the sun was pretty much gone and it was becoming dark._

"_We'd better set up our tent before it gets too dark," Ashley suggested._

_I nodded and between us we very quickly assembled the tent. It was an old one of my parent's that we have used many times so putting it up was easy. We unrolled our sleeping bags and set up our pillows and a lamp. We climbed into the tent and assumed our places on our respective sleeping bags._

"_So, Tim asked me to be his girlfriend yesterday," I said suddenly._

_Ashley wiped her head around and stared at me with an expression I couldn't read. "Oh? And what did you say to him?" She asked in a guarded tone of voice._

_I giggled, "I told him he smelt like old cheese and that I didn't want him to come near me again."_

_Ashley looked up at me and we both burst out laughing. We fell over sideways and hung onto each other as we laughed until tears were running down our cheeks._

"_Oh my God Spence! Did you really say that to him?!" Ashley gasped between laughter._

_I nodded, "Yep, sure did ask Glen. Tim is so gross! I don't want my first boyfriend to be anything like him!"_

"_Well then, who do you want to be your first boyfriend?" Ashley asked in the same guarded tone as before._

_I shrugged, "I dunno, I want someone who is funny, smart, who gets along with my family and likes horses and music and camping. I guess I want someone just like you."_

_Ashley beamed her nose-crinkling smile and said shyly, "Really?"_

_I nodded, "Well yeah, I'd much rather be with you then some stupid boy! You know me better than anyone."_

_Ashley grinned, "Me too, you know me better than everyone else. That's why you're my best friend Spence."_

_I smiled as a blush coated my cheeks, "So do you want a boyfriend?"_

_Ashley sighed and flopped back against her pillow, "I don't know, I don't really like any of the boys at school. They are all so annoying and I don't really think they are cute. Maybe I'm not ready for a boyfriend yet."_

_I nodded, "Yeah me either." I thought for a moment and then asked, "But how do you know when you're ready?"_

_Ashley rested her weight on her elbow as she turned to face me, "I guess it just feels right or something, you meet someone and it doesn't feel weird any more. I don't know, maybe you don't get ready you just do it."_

"_Yeah maybe..." I trailed off as I thought about another question I wanted to ask, "So um, have you ever kissed anyone, like not your family, I mean in a boyfriend, girlfriend kind of way?"_

_Ashley raised her eyebrow at me and said, "You know I would have told you if I had. Have you?"_

_I rolled my eyes, "Of course not! You know I would have told you too!" I got quiet then and blushed at the next question I wanted to ask._

_Ashley looked over at me and got a knowing expression on her face, "Ok what do you want to ask me now? I can tell you're embarrassed, but you don't have to be. It's just me Spence, ask me anything!"_

_I bit my lip and said quietly, "So how do you...I mean what do you do, um when you um kiss someone?"_

_Ashley's smiled widened and she giggled a little, "I don't really know, I just figure it's like TV and movies. I don't know, what do you think?"_

_I shrugged, "I don't know Ash, does that mean I'll be bad at it?! Gosh I don't want to be bad at it! I'll get laughed at! Oh man I am gonna be a bad kisser! I am going to die alone all because I don't know how to kiss!" I said in a rush as I started to panic._

_My rant was stopped by the sound of Ashley snorting with laughter. I glared at her and snapped, "Stop laughing! I'm serious!"_

"_Oh I know and that's why is so funny!" Ashley choked out as she tried to stifle her laughter. I picked up my pillow and wacked her hard with it. Ashley just kept on laughing._

"_I'm so glad you find this so funny Ash! I am freaking out here!" I snapped as I folded my arms over my chest and pouted._

_Ashley got her laughter under control and moved to sit beside me, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh at you. It's just that you are going to be a great kisser and no way will you ever die alone, you'll always have me. You know, if you wanted, we could practice so that we will know what to do?" Ashley suggested shyly._

_I bit my lip and nodded, a nervous smiling making its way across my lips. "Yeah ok, if you want," I said softly._

_Ashley raised her eyes to mine and moved even closer so that she was lying right beside me. She raised her hand and gently tucked some strands of my blonde hair behind my ear. I felt goosebumps rise on my skin and butterflies flutter around in my stomach._

_She leaned in so that her lips were almost touching mine and whispered, "It's ok." I felt her hand cup my cheek as I closed my eyes. The next thing I knew she pressed her lips lightly against mine, softly, sweetly. The kiss lasted no more than 5 seconds but it sure had an impact._

_Ashley pulled away and I kept my eyes closed, raising my fingers to my lips. I had never imagined that a kiss could feel like that. I had tingles everywhere! "Wow," I whispered breathlessly._

_I opened my eyes to see Ashley looking at me with a tender smile, "Yeah wow is right. For someone who doesn't know how to kiss you did pretty great."_

_I blushed and looked down, "I didn't do anything Ash."_

_Ashley reached over and placed her fingers under my chin to raise my face so our eyes could meet, "Yeah you did. You were great. Was I ok?"_

_I nodded and smiled a tender smile of my own, "Yeah you were."_

_We both smiled at each other and snuggled down on my sleeping bag. I opened my arms and my best friend snuggled against me with her head tucked in under my chin. I ran my hands through her curls and slowly we started to drift off to sleep._

"_I wish we could all just be with our best friends forever Ash, that's what I'd want." I murmured just as sleep overcame me._

_I faintly heard right before I fell asleep, "Me too Spence, I want to be with you forever."_

_End Flashback_

I smiled warmly at the memory, that night in our tent had been the start of something for Ash and I, we just didn't know it then. After that kiss, no other kiss had ever felt right.

I was pulled from my thoughts by Raife's quiet chuckle. I looked over and grinned, Allie had fallen asleep snuggled up against Raife and was softly snoring. She slept just like her Momma used to when she was really tired.

I carefully got up and lifted my sleeping daughter into my arms. I beckoned for Raife to follow us and carried Allie down the hall to her bedroom. I lay her down and gently took off her shoes and tucked her into bed.

I turned on her night light, the same one that had been in Kyla's bedroom when she was little, and kissed Allie softly on the cheek. "Good night Sweetheart," I whispered.

I got up and Raife and I slip silently from the room. I led him back into the kitchen where I turned on the kettle. "Can I make you a tea or coffee?" I asked.

"Sure Spencer, tea would be great." Raife said as he took a seat at the counter.

He smiled at the photo of Allie and I on the fridge and said proudly, "Allie is an amazing little girl Spencer, you have done an incredible job."

I sighed, "It's been hard Raife, I mean my family are great, but it has been so hard doing all this without Ashley."

He nodded, "I know Spencer, I hate that this happened to all of us."

I shook my head, "So I'm changing the subject, how is Anne?"

Raife ran his hands through his messy blonde hair and said, "She alright, she isn't coping too well with everything, but I know she would love to come and see you and Allie soon if that's ok?"

"Of course, I miss her," I said as I placed a cup of tea in front of Raife. I rummaged in the fridge and pulled out milk and grabbed the sugar from the pantry.

Anne was Ashley's stepmom and Kyla's Mom. Ashley couldn't remember her own mother as she had died in childbirth. Anne was the only mother Ashley had ever known.

"So how are your brothers getting on?" Raife asked, adding way too much sugar to his tea.

"Well Glen is married to Madison, she went to high school with us, and they have a baby on the way. Clay married Chelsea last year, we all were starting to think they'd never make it down the aisle. They are both working with Mom and Dad at Carlin House," I explained.

Raife nodded, "How is Carlin House going?"

I smiled proudly, "Great, Mom and Dad have made this place that is such a haven for at risk teens and young adults. The drug and alcohol rehab centre opened last year and they are having a fair bit of success. The refuge and crisis accommodation are always full and the group sessions almost never have free spots. It's great to see them helping people, just like they always wanted to."

Raife lowered his eyes and said in the saddest voice I had heard in years, "I just hope they can help Ashley."

I sat down beside him and rested my head in my hands, "Me too."


	5. Chapter 5

Hello everyone, thank you once again for the alerts, favourites, reading and reviewing!

Thank you to julsola007, waterproff88, taymm15, L2GQ, CR00, Breakdown6, Rachel2020, Harley Quinn Davidson, FFReviews, Dani, Sgarc12, Junjiin, Born2Try and vts.

I hope you enjoy this chapter!

**Angels on the Moon**

Chapter Five

Paula's POV

I walked into the house after leaving Spencer's just in time to see a teary eyed Glen come down the stairs from the second storey. I took that to mean it was not going too well with Ashley. I strode over to Glen and placed a hand on his shoulder, "What's going on Glen?"

He shook her head, "Mom I knew it was bad, I knew she was in a bad way, but I never expected it to be like this. She is just not there anymore. It's like whatever made her Ashley is just gone and all that's left is the damage that she had done to herself. She is so broken."

I wrapped my arms around my oldest son and we both tried to get a grip on our shared misery. We had known Ashley since she was 4 years old, she was my second daughter and a sister to Glen and Clay. She was Spencer's other half and my granddaughter's other mother. Ashley was a part of this family, even though she had walked away from all of us and into the arms of her demons.

Glen pulled back from the hug and kissed me on the cheek, "Are you sure you and Dad want to have her here and not down in Carlin House? I know she is older than all the other patients, but maybe it would be easier?"

I shook my head, "No she is staying here! We let her go once before, when we should have helped her and I won't let her out of my sight again! I just can't lose her and I know Spencer won't survive if we...no Glen Ashley has to stay here, with her family."

"Ok Mom, well I'm going to go help Clay at Carlin House then I'd better head home to Madison, she is pretty upset about Ashley and wants an update. Let us know if you and Dad need anything," Glen said with a sad smile.

I nodded and watched him walk out of the house and down to the SUV he would use to drive to Carlin House, which was at the other end of our property.

I sighed and started up the stairs to see how Arthur was going with Ashley. I took deep steadying breaths and thought about to the phone call I had received only a few days ago.

_Flashback_

_I jogged to my ringing cell phone and answered it without looking at the caller id, "Hello?"_

"_Hi Paula, this is Raife Davies," Said a familiar voice from the other end of the line._

_I stayed silent, shocked. Raife and I were not on the best of terms after everything that had happened with Ashley. I'll admit it, I blamed him. He was her father and he should have protected her and in doing so protected my daughter and granddaughter. I hated that Allie didn't know her Momma and I hated that Spencer was forced to be without the love of her life._

_I guess part of me also blamed Raife because it was easier than facing up to the voice in my head that told me I should have done more for Ashley. I am a doctor for Christ sake, a doctor who works every single day with people who have an array of addictions and issues and yet I couldn't even help my daughter in law._

_I heard him sigh before he continued, "I know I am one of the last people you want to speak to and I understand, I do. I just didn't know who else to call." He paused and I heard the unmistakable sound of him choking back tears. _

_I was stunned, this had to be serious, I had seen Raife Davies cry exactly twice in the entire time I'd known him._

_I found my voice and asked, "What's happened Raife? Is everything ok?"_

_He cleared her throat and said in a choked up voice, "No it not. Ashley...she well, she's in hospital Paula."_

_I closed my eyes hard and said through the tears that instantly sprung to my eyes, "What happened Raife?"_

_He coughed and said huskily, "She overdosed Paula, I found her just in time and called the paramedics. They, oh God, they told me we got to her just in the nick of time. She nearly died!"_

_I clenched my teeth as I fought back the sobs rising in my throat at the thought of losing Ashley, "How did this happen Raife?"_

"_She, ah she was at this, this label party and she meet up with this friend of hers who slipped her some heroin. I had employed people to watch her, to keep drugs out of the place and to monitor Ashley so this couldn't happen!" Raife exclaimed desperately._

_I shook my head, "How did we let it come to this Raife?" _

_Raife fell silent for a moment and murmured, "I ask myself that question every single day Paula. Not a day goes by where I don't ask myself how I let this happen and what I should have done to protect her."_

_I let out a deep shuddering breath and ran my hand through my hair in a gesture that Spencer and I shared. I bit my lip and said with a mixture of anger and sadness, "It has been four years Raife, four years of this, of Ashley slowly killing herself! What have we been doing!"_

"_I don't know Paula, not enough I guess. In the beginning I thought she would get better in time, I thought she would realise what she was jeopardising and stop. Before I realised what was going on it was so bad she couldn't function without some kind of drugs. I remember going to a recording session of hers and looking into her bag to see baggies of pills and powder. I called her on it and she basically told me to stay out of it," Raife said with despair. _

"_I think we all did, there was so much going on, so much chaos and pain that I think none of us really saw how bad she was getting. Even Spencer didn't see it at first and she was closer to Ashley than anyone," I said sadly._

"_Spencer kind of had her hands full back then with Allie and she was still writing songs and all that. I hate myself every day for the fact that I didn't see what was going on," Raife said on a sigh._

_Spencer was a professional song writer, she had written or co-written most of the songs Ashley had recorded. At the beginning of their relationship they had spent hours together writing music, when Ashley was offered a record deal she had it put in her contract that she would have full choice of which song writers she worked with when she wasn't writing her own music. Spencer was her obvious choice._

_Of course once things got really bad, Spencer and Ashley had stopped collaborating and Ashley's music had taken a turn for the worse. The music she recorded after the drugs and after she left was a poor shadow of her former glory. The fans had noticed and now she was lucky to sell half the records she used to._

"_There is no point going back down memory lane Raife, it doesn't change the fact the Ashley is where she is now. What is the plan? You say you wish you'd done more for her back then so what are you going to do about it now?" I snapped at him, thinking about how it had been for Spencer and Ashley just made me furious at how it was now._

_Raife sighed again and said, "Well we've tried rehab, we've tried counsellors and doctors and all of that. What we haven't tried is family and Carlin House."_

_I was a little taken aback I must admit, "What are you talking about? Carlin House Rehab is for younger people, plus there is a conflict of interest in the House working with Ashley."_

"_I wasn't thinking Carlin House, I was thinking that you and Arthur might be able to get through to her where the other docs haven't been able to, plus if Spencer is willing maybe having her and Allie close by will make a difference," Raife suggested in a hesitant tone._

"_I don't know Raife, I just can't see Spencer willing to have Ashley back here the way she is," I said, sitting down at the kitchen table._

"_I know, but honestly I think this is last option we have. We've tried everything else and nothing has worked. If we don't help her now I honestly think we will lose her, we nearly lost her this time and we can't lose her Paula," Raife cried._

_I felt tears on my cheeks and nodded, "Ok, I'll talk to the family and we will sort something out. I don't know what we can do Raife, but I don't want to lose her either."_

"_Thank you Paula, can you let me know so we can make arrangements?"_

"_Yes, I'll call you soon," I said._

_We said our goodbyes and hung up. I dropped my phone onto the table and rest my head in my hands as the tears started to flow. I felt sick, sick that we had all been so blind to Ashley's drug use until it became what it was now. I felt sick that I couldn't help her back before everything fell apart. _

_I felt comforting hands on my shoulders and looked up into Arthur's kind, blue eyes. I let him pull me to my feet and envelope me in his arms. I rested my head on his chest and cried while he held me. Once I was all cried out we sat down and I told him everything. Afterwards he was as teary as I was._

"_Oh my God Paula, how did it come to this?" Arthur said sadly as he held my hand tightly in his._

"_I don't know, but I do know that we have to try and help her. We can set her up here in our house, Spencer's room is still made up, and maybe Glen and Clay can take over at Carlin House while we focus on Ashley and helping her get through this," I suggested._

_Arthur nodded, "I think that is a good idea, I think we are going to be fighting an uphill battle though."_

_I nodded, "Yes and that uphill battle starts with us telling Spencer."_

_End Flashback_

I strode up the stairs and met Arthur in the hallway outside Spencer's childhood room. He had set up a sofa there so we could monitor Ashley from close by over the next few days as she detoxed. This was going to be a rough time for all of us.

"How is she doing?" I asked softly as Arthur stepped forward to give me a warm hug.

He sighed and shook his head, "Not great, she still hasn't said a word and is just staring out the window. I tried to engage with her, but she is just so closed off. I figure we give her a few hours to get settled and then try to talk to her again. I think she used earlier today, I'd say some kind of sedative or something. I was going to search her bags next, just to make sure she hasn't got any other drugs on her."

I nodded with a determined look, "Ok, well the drugs will be out of her system soon and then she will have to deal with detox. Why don't you let me look through her bags and you keep an eye on her?"

"Ok, thanks Sweetheart. We'll see if she wants to come down to dinner later, I don't think she will though."

We parted with a gentle kiss and I headed off to search her bags. This part didn't sit well with me, but we had to make sure we found all the drugs they had on them. A quick search of her bags turned up a bag of cocaine, pills, heroin and even a flask of vodka. I opened up her guitar case and fell back against the wall as tears filled my eyes. Inside the lid of the case I found a collage of photos of Spencer, Allie and the family. There were photos from when they were kids, adorable photos of Spencer, Ashley, Kyla, Glen and Clay. Then there were photos from when they were in high school and then when they were adults.

I reached in and lightly touched a photo of Spencer, Ashley and Allie. It was taken not long after Allie was born and they looked happy. Little did we know that Ashley was already using.

I quickly checked the guitar case and shook my head as I added a bag of prescription pain killers to the growing pile of contraband. I concluded my search and threw all the drugs and alcohol into a plastic bag. I called Arthur and we carried the luggage and guitar case into Spencer's old room where Ashley would be staying.

As we stepped inside I had to restrain myself from visibly reacting to the version of Ashley they stood before me. She just looked broken and beaten by the world. It was a far cry from the girl I had known.

"Hi Ashley, we have your bags for you sweetheart. I'm sorry but we had to check them and I have taken all the drugs and alcohol I found. We cannot have you using Ashley so it's all being disposed of," I said stepping into the room and putting her suitcase on the bed.

Arthur followed suit and said with a soft smile for the girl who refused to look at us and just kept staring out the window. "Why don't you unpack and get settled? Dinner will be in about 30 minutes ok?"

Ashley still said nothing and continued to stare out the window.

This was going to be a long night.


	6. Chapter 6

Sorry for the delay between chapters, I was over in Fiji (which was awesome) and then a little busy. I hope you like this update.

Thanks to the wonderful people who have read, added alerts, favourited or reviewed this story.

Thanks to the following people who reviewed on chapter 5, babykennedy, Harley Quinn Davidson, FFReviews, waterproof88, taymm15, CR00, SoNFan, vts, Born2Try, rsrach and Guests.

**Angels on the Moon**

Chapter Six

After Allie and Raife we both asleep I sat up in my bed and just stared at the wall. I had so many thoughts and feelings racing around in my brain, there was no way it was going to settle down enough for me to actually get some sleep.

I couldn't believe that Ashley was here on the farm, just a few hundred metres away. I had always wished for the day she would come back into my life, but never like this. I think part of me was always just waiting for her to magically come to her senses and come back to me and Allie. I had missed her more than I cared to admit.

Part of me wished I was over in the main house to support Ashley through this. Tonight was going to be tough for her. I ached to hold her in my arms and make everything ok again. The thing was, I had been there before. I had held her in my arms and listened to her tell me time and time again that she was going to give up the drugs and be there for Allie and I. I couldn't face the heart break again and I sure as hell was not exposing Allie to it unless I knew Ashley was going to be sober. My daughter deserved the best from her Momma, not the drugged up version that had been around for pretty much Allie's entire life.

I got out of my bed and padded on bare feet over to the window. I sat down on the cushioned window seat and looked up at the main house. I found my eyes immediately drawn to the window of my childhood bedroom.

My eyes found the silhouette of a figure framed against the light from inside the house, Ashley. I reached up and clasped the chain around my neck. I slid my fingers down the cool chain links until my fingers found what they had been searching for. My wedding and engagement rings.

I couldn't bring myself to wear them on my finger anymore, but I felt naked if I didn't have them with me. They were a reminder of better times. I had to hold onto those times otherwise all I could see were the heartbreaking moments, the loneliness and the sadness.

I kept my eyes glued to the ghost like figure standing in my bedroom window, it was like she was a spirit haunting the farm. Maybe she was, the ghost of what we used to be. I kept watching her still figure and after a little while I feel asleep.

I awoke the next morning to little giggles and the feeling of being watched. I cracked open my eyes and found Allie standing in front of me laughing. I smiled at her and said in a croaky voice, "What are you laughing at cutie pie?"

Allie pointed at my face and said with a huge grin, "You dribbled Mommy!"

I chuckled and wiped a hand across my chin, "All better Sweetheart?" Allie nodded and I sat up, pulling her into a cuddle. "Would you like some breakfast Sweetie?" I asked as I placed a kiss in her forehead.

"Poppy is already making breakfast, he told me to come wake you up, so come on Mommy!" Allie said with a clap of her hands.

I laughed and set her on the floor so I could get to my feet. I pulled on my robe and rubbed my neck, which was kind of stiff from having slept on my window seat. I took Allie's hand and let her pull me from the bedroom and down the hallway to the kitchen where Raife was flipping pancakes.

"Oh my God are those Raife Davies extra special pancakes! The pancakes that many have tried to replicate, but none have ever come close," I said with a grin and a head tilt.

Raife beamed at us and said, gesturing with his spatula, "They most certainly are! Made especially for two of my favourite girls we have the most delicious pancakes in the world!"

Allie bounced around and clapped her hands in excitement. Raife and I laughed and I helped Allie up into her chair at the table. I took my seat next to Allie and eyed the huge stack of pancakes Raife set in front of me, "Wow, I don't know how you expect me to eat all of that!"

Raife laughed, "I think you'll give it a red hot go."

We ate with a lot of laughter and banter, it was easier to pretend everything was great then to dwell on what was happening down the driveway at my parent's house.

Once we'd finished eating and had cleaned up the kitchen Allie ran off to play with her toys and Raife and I sat around the table nursing strong cups of coffee. "So I guess you got as little sleep as I did last night huh?" I asked Raife as he stifled a yawn.

He nodded, "Yeah I couldn't stop thinking about her up in that house. I hope this time the rehab works and we get our Ashley back."

I sighed, "I don't know Raife, I don't know if she can come back from this. I mean how can she ever be who she was after everything? How can any of us ever go back?"

He stood up and moved to the chair beside mine, "Hey, we have to believe she can get better and that things can be ok otherwise this isn't going to work. I know this is hard..."

I cut him off, "It's more than hard Raife, I don't know if I can survive losing her again. Allie and I are ok, we have built ourselves a life without Ashley and I cannot let any of this impact my daughter. I _love_ Ashley, but I won't let Allie be hurt by this. I just can't."

He nodded and put a comforting hand on my shoulder, "I understand that. The last thing I want is for you or Allie to get hurt, but I know that Ashley is going to need you."

I laughed harshly, "Like I needed her?"

Raife fell silent, not entirely sure what to say to that. I ran my hand through my bed messy hair and said softly, "I will be here for Ash as much as I can, you know I will, but the most important thing is that Allie is protected from the drama and pain."

"Agreed. I was going to go up to the house to see your parents before I headed off. They think it will be better if I give Ashley some space, at least in the beginning," Raife said.

"Ok well, I'd like to come with you and see how she is doing, I just need to see if someone can watch Allie. I don't want to take her up to the house at the moment," I murmured.

Raife headed off to get ready and I made a call, quickly finding someone who was able to come and stay with Allie. Fifteen minutes later Clay walked in and gave Allie and I each a kiss on the cheek and a big hug, Allie quickly ran off back to her toys.

"So how are you Spence?" He asked with a concerned expression.

I shrugged, "As well as you'd expect. I'll be ok. Thanks for coming to watch Allie, I really need to go see Mom and Dad and see how last night went. I need to know how Ashley is."

Clay nodded and gave me another hug. We stayed like that until Raife wandered in and greeted Clay with a hand shake and a warm smile. Greetings were exchanged and then it was time for Raife to say goodbye to Allie and Clay.

Allie clung to her Poppy like a monkey and cried until he promised to come and visit again very soon. She then very reluctantly let Clay pull her into his arms and said a sad goodbye to her Poppy. I kissed her on the cheek and Raife and I left to head up to the main house.

We climbed into my pickup truck and drove up the driveway. I parked and looked up to my old bedroom window. There was Ashley, standing where she had been the night before, just staring out at the farm. I sighed and climbed out of the pickup with Raife following behind me. We strode up to the house and I led him into the kitchen where we found my Dad writing in a notebook.

"Morning Dad," I said, making him look up at us with a warm smile of welcome.

"Good morning Spence, Raife. Did you stay with Spencer Raife?" Dad said as he gestured for us to take a seat.

"Yeah, it was a good opportunity to spend some time with Allie. She has certainly grown up a lot!" Raife said sliding into a seat across from my Dad.

Dad chuckled, "Oh I know, she is amazing." We all nodded in agreement and smiled at the thought of Allie. She really was the light of my life.

I sighed and brought us back to the topic we had come over to discuss, "So how did last night go? How is Ashley?"

Dad rubbed his eyes tiredly and said in a sad tone, "It was rough. She still hasn't said a word to anyone and so far has done nothing but stare out the window and tremble. The withdrawal is starting to get to her. She had taken something before she got here, a sedative I think, so she didn't really start coming off the stuff until a few hours ago."

I threw my hands up in frustration, "Of course she fucking took something before coming here! Of course she fucking did! It's the same old story isn't it?! Nothing ever changes."

Dad held up his hand and said, "Hang on a second Spencer, Ashley has an illness that we are trying to treat, it's not as simple as just stopping. I think you need to not be so hard on her."

I shook my head and spat, "How can you say that to me? How can you tell me not to be so hard on her? She chose those fucking drugs over Allie and I, over _all_ of us, and you tell me not to be so hard on her? You saw what I went through with her Dad," I paused as a solitary tear made its way down my cheek and took a deep breath before continuing, "You saw Dad and now you tell me I am being too hard on her?"

Dad sighed and reached out his hand to take mine, "You know I didn't mean it like that Spencer, I know she hurt you and I know it will be long time before you can even begin to consider forgiving her, but I also know that you care deeply about her and what happens to her."

"That's why I'm sitting here isn't it? Can you just tell me more about how she's doing? Please?" I asked, looking over at Raife who looked like he was going to cry.

Dad nodded and said, "She wouldn't eat last night or this morning and just keeps staring out the window at the farm. We searched her bags and found a scarily large amount of drugs and alcohol in there, we have now gotten rid of all of it. Your Mom and I are taking it in turns to watch her round the clock so she is never alone. We are not giving up, but this is going to be a long time battle."

Raife nodded and asked in a tight voice, "So what happens next Arthur?"

Dad looked at us both and explained, "Well that is up to Ashley. We will play it by ear and respond to whatever she throws at us. We are expecting that soon her withdrawal symptoms will get worse. It is likely she will get sick, physically sick, and also angry, depressed, frustrated, a whole mess of emotions. What we don't know is if she will engage with us, and if she does when. Honestly we can't know what is going to happen next, we will preserver though."

Raife sighed tiredly and rubbed his hands over his stubbly chin, "Ok, thank you. I am really so grateful to you all for taking her in and trying to help her."

"She's our family too Raife," said my Mom from the doorway. She walked in, her pace slow and weary, and took a seat beside me. "She is my daughter in my heart and I couldn't have lived with myself if we didn't try. I just wish you had brought her to us sooner."

"I do too Paula, I failed her. I know it, you know it. I let her down and for that I will never forgive myself," Raife said tearfully.

Dad clapped him on the shoulder and said compassionately, "Don't blame yourself Raife, you got her here. It's not going to do any of us any good to dwell on the past, we just have to focus on helping Ashley."

"How is she doing now Paula?" Dad asked after a long silence.

Mom sighed, "The same. I just came down to get some water, she is at least drinking that." Mom got up from the table and grabbed a few bottles of water from the fridge. She nodded at Raife and kissed me on the cheek before she headed back upstairs.

"Well I'd better head back to the city, the family isn't doing too well with all this so I'd better get back to them," Raife said, slowly rising to his feet.

Dad and I both stood up and walked with him out to his big, black SUV. Dad grabbed his hand in a manly handshake and said, "Give my love to everyone, please let them know we are going to take the best care of Ashley we can."

Raife said thanks and then turned to me, "Thank you for letting me stay with you last night Spencer and for letting me see Allie, just thank you."

I pulled him into a warm hug and murmured, "No thank you. I'll bring Allie into the city soon to visit with you and everyone. Please give them my love."

Raife nodded and climbed into his SUV. Dad wrapped his arm around my shoulder and we waved until Raife had driven down the driveway.

Dad kissed the crown of my head and said tiredly, "I'd better go relieve your Mom, I think it might help if you came and visited Ashley soon," on my look Dad quickly added, "Not yet, but soon maybe?"

I shrugged and murmured, "I don't know. We'll see. I've got to get back to Allie, so I'll check in later ok?"

Dad smiled, "Ok kiddo, we'll talk later. I love you."

"Love you too Dad."

I kissed his cheek and headed for my pickup truck and back to my little girl.


	7. Chapter 7

The character of Hailey is based on a dear friend's little sister. I hope I do her justice.

Thank you to everyone who has read, alerted, favourited, patiently waited for updates and reviewed on this story and my others. Thank you to the following reviewers of chapter 6, CRD00, Harley Quinn Davidson, ashleyss27, killerjen231, Breakdown6, waterproof88, lilce1992, taymm15, GreenPen85, Guests, Dani, NoIdeaWhatID2use, Born2Try, vts and FFReviews

**Angels on the Moon**

Chapter Seven

I spent the rest of the day with Allie, trying not to think about what was going on up at the main house. It was driving me crazy so early the next morning, after another sleepless night, I put a call into my best friend and organised for her and her daughter to meet Allie and I at a playground not too far away from the farm.

Allie and I left home and not too long afterwards were parking the pickup in the car park next to the playground. I helped Allie out of the car and we walked hand in hand over to where my friend and her daughter were already waiting.

"Hey ladies!" I called out as we neared them.

Allie squealed in excitement and ran forward to give her best friend a cuddle, "Hailey!" Allie said as the two little girls jumped around with excitement and way too much childhood energy.

I leaned in and kissed my best friend, Vanessa, on the cheek and said with a grin, "Thanks for meeting us, I needed to get off the farm for a while.

"I figured as much. So about Ashley, how's all that going?" Vanessa asked with concern.

I looked over at our two girls and waited until they had run over to the play equipment before I turned to Vanessa and said, "Not great, Ashley was drugged up when she arrived according to my Dad, and since then hasn't spoken to anyone. It's like she is here in body, but not in spirit. I don't know Ness, I think we are fighting a losing battle here."

Vanessa led me over to a vacant seat that overlooked the playground and we sat down, "You had to know this wasn't going to be easy right Spence?"

I shrugged, "I don't even know what I thought this was going to be like. I guess part of me thought, or hoped, that she would fall at my feet begging for forgiveness or something, but she looked straight past me as if I wasn't even there. It was like I meant nothing to her."

Vanessa wrapped her arm around my shoulder and said softly, "You know what you mean to Ashley."

"Do I? I mean I can't have meant that much to her if she so willingly walked away from me and Allie when we really needed her," I cried.

Vanessa was about to respond when our girls ran up to us and Hailey said, "Mommy, Aunty Spencer, me and Allie are hungry!"

Vanessa and I laughed, "Oh really, hmm I think I know what we can do about that!" Vanessa said as we got to our feet.

Vanessa led us over to the picnic blanket she had set up just near the playground and we all took a seat as she started pulling food out of the basket and cooler. I grinned at the array of food, Vanessa owned her own catering company and always put up the best food!

Allie and Hailey eagerly started on the food laid out before them and I had to chuckle at the sight of my little girl with food all over her face. Allie was still learning the art of getting food in her mouth, not on her face.

After we had finished eating and the girls' hands and faces had been wiped clean, they were off again to play on the playground. I took the bottle of water Vanessa offered me and took a big sip, "You know Ashley and I used to come to this park all the time Ness, when we were teenagers. We would ride our bikes from the farm even though it took over an hour and then we would sit and talk for hours over by that old willow tree."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, this was where I first realised that maybe, just maybe what I was feeling for my best friend went beyond friendship.

_Flashback_

_I peddled my bike the last few metres and dumped it unceremoniously on the ground. Ashley rode up beside me and put hers down a lot more gently. I rolled my eyes and walked over to sit underneath our willow tree._

_Ashley swung her backpack off her back and sat down beside me, her back resting against the tree trunk. I laid down and put my head in her lap, almost purring when she started running her fingers through my long blonde hair. _

_We were fourteen and often came to this park to just relax together like this, especially lately because my brothers were always around! I think they both had crushes on Ashley, which made me jealous for some reason. I think I was scared she would stop hanging out with me and hang out with them instead._

_We had been sitting in silence for a while when Ashley randomly blurted out, "So I am going out with Adam on Friday night, to the movies I think."_

_I sat up, forcing her hands to move out of my hair and locked my eyes out across the park, anywhere but on her. "Um ok, that's nice I guess," I mumbled._

_Ashley grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze, "What's wrong Spence?"_

_I pulled my hand from hers under the pretence of pulling my sunglasses over my eyes and muttered, "Nothing's wrong, I just think it's stupid for you to go out with him when you don't even like him!"_

_Ashley rolled her eyes, "Maybe I'll learn to like him!"_

_I scoffed, "That is stupid and you know it, either you like someone or you don't Ash."_

_Ashley turned around so she was sitting facing me, "What the hell is your problem Spencer? You're acting like you're jealous or something!"_

_It was my turn to roll my eyes as I spat, "Don't be a dumbass Ashley, why would I be jealous of that loser Adam, he totally picks his nose you know."_

_Ashley stifled a laugh and then nodded her head over at a pair of women who had just walked into the park holding hands. The taller of the two women leaned over and kissed the other right on the lips. Ashley and I stared wide eyed at the couple neither of us able to tear our eyes away._

_The women walked over to a tree opposite to us and the taller woman sat down with her back against the trunk. The shorter woman settled down in between her legs and leant back against her so the taller woman could wrap her hands around her waist. _

_I was in awe, I had heard about _lesbians_ at school but usually only as a butt of some joke or directed at someone as an insult, I had never seen actual gay people in real life before. I couldn't help but study them and watch how they interacted._

_The taller woman was saying something into the ear of the other woman, something that made her smile and laugh happily. The shorter woman rested her head on the shoulder of the other, snuggling her head in under the other woman's chin. They just looked so happy and so in love._

_Ashley smiled and said, "They look so happy, like they are just like any other couple."_

_I shrugged, "I guess they are just like any other couple Ash, they seem happier and more in love then most of the other couples I have ever seen."_

"_I've never seen lesbians before," Ashley whispered._

"_Me either, I guess I sort of thought they were strange or disgusting like everyone at school says, but they're not are they?" I asked still watching the couple who were talking softly to each other._

"_No they are beautiful together, like they know they have something so special and everyone else is dumb because they can't see it," Ashley replied, her eyes locked on the couple too._

"_Yeah, I don't see why people think lesbians would be gross because they are just like everyone else. I guess the only difference is that they love each other and not some guy," I said._

_Ashley turned to look at me, our eyes locking in an intense gaze unlike any other look we had shared before then. I blushed hotly and looked down at my hands which were fidgeting in my lap. I glanced up at Ashley from beneath my lashes and found her looking at me like she had never seen me before. I blushed even redder than before and looked up at the coupled that were now locked in a tender kiss._

_I gasped and felt a stirring in me that I had never felt before. It was like something shifted in me, or maybe something fell into its rightful place. Ashley looked up too and reached over to grasp my hand in hers as we both watched the couple from the safety of our hiding spot behind the willow branches._

_I held Ashley's hand tightly in mind and felt like a big moment had just happened in my young life. I wasn't sure what it meant, but I knew it was something that had the potential to change my life._

_End of Flashback_

I was torn from my memories by the gentle poking of a little finger into my arm. I smiled down at Hailey and said, "Is everything ok Sweetie?"

Hailey nodded, "Yeah, but why are you sad Aunty Spencer? Allie said you are sad."

I pulled Hailey onto my lap and gave her a quick cuddle, "I'm ok Hailey, I promise."

Hailey looked up at me appraisingly and said with a serious expression on her face, "Well ok, but you are my friend Aunty Spencer and I don't want you to be sad."

Vanessa tickled her daughter's side and said with a smile, "Aunty Spencer is just sad because Mommy hasn't brought out her homemade cookies yet!"

Hailey and Allie, who moved from her place near Vanessa to sit beside me, clapped happily and smiled expectantly at Vanessa. I laughed and said, "Yeah Ness, where are those cookies?"

Vanessa grinned and pulled out a Tupperware container of still warm, fresh baked cookies. She opened the lid and Allie, Hailey and I dove in. I took a bite and closed my eyes as the flavour exploded on my tongue. Oh my gosh they were fantastic! "So good," I moaned as I chomped on my cookie.

Allie and Hailey giggled at me and munched on their own cookies. Vanessa shook her head at the three of us and took a bite from her own cookie. We ate our way through a good half off the cookies before Vanessa decided, much to the protest of the girls and I, that we'd eaten enough sugar for now.

We all pouted, earning us an eye roll and me a scolding, "Spencer don't encourage them unless you want to fork out money for extra dental appointments!"

I smiles innocently and said to the girls, "Come on why don't you two go play for a bit before we have to go home."

The girls headed for the playground and Ness turned to me with a sad look in her eyes, "So have you spoken to Ashley yet?"

I shook my head, "No, she hasn't spoken to anyone yet."

"What do you mean?" Vanessa asked with a look of confusion.

I sighed, "Apparently she just stands and looks out the window, she won't talk to anyone at all. She is just closed up in side of herself and I don't know if Mom and Dad will be able to reach her."

Vanessa bit her lip for a moment and then said in a cautious tone, "well there is someone who would be able to reach her."

I snapped my eyes up to look at her and glared, "I wasn't able to reach her two years ago when it tore my family apart, so why now?! God I have been over this with my parents, Raife and now you! Why does everyone think I am the magic key to making Ashley better?"

"Because you are you and Ashley loves you," I went to interrupt only to be silenced with a stern look, "Ashley has made a lot of mistakes, more than you might be able to forgive, but don't you owe it to yourself and Allie to _try_?"

I shrugged, but was saved from having to answer by the return of our girls. We packed up and loaded the gear and children into our respective cars.

Vanessa walked over and wrapped me up in a tight hug, "You know I'm here if you need me, anytime day or night. I know this is a lot to deal with, having Ash back in your life, but you are going to have to deal with it Spence."

I nodded, "I know, I just don't really know how yet."

Vanessa kissed me on the cheek and said, "Trust your instincts and see what happens. Its early days yet, see how it all plays out."

I smiled my thanks and said I'd think about it before saying good bye and hoping into the car to head home. I grinned at Allie who had instantly fallen asleep in her seat and started the car and headed back to the farm.


	8. Chapter 8

Ok so many of you have been waiting for this chapter, the one where Spencer goes to see Ashley. I hope you like it.

You are all so wonderful to me, thank you so much! Thank you to everyone who had read, alerted and favourited. Thank you reviewers, Harley Quinn Davidson, Godlove, Breakdown6, waterproof88, taymm15, CR00, dani, NoIdeaWhatID2Use and Born2Try.

Left-handed – I actually disagree with you. I don't think Spencer is being difficult. I think she is being scared and cautious. I think she is concerned that her and Allie will get hurt and because of her past with Ashley she is holding back and trying to figure it all out. Also chapter 7 was only 3 days into the story so Spencer is just trying to sort her head out. I think this is a really complicated situation. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, its good because it makes me question what I've written for the next few chapters (I am about 4 chapters ahead at the moment).

Vts – Wow! I'll try to live up to your image of me as a writer! Thank you!

**Angels on the Moon**

Chapter Eight

I sighed as I climbed out of my warm bed after yet another sleepless night. I just couldn't seem to stop my thoughts from focusing on Ashley and the situation we now found ourselves in. that tended to lead to chronic insomnia. I was lucky to get a few hours a night.

I got up and wrapped my robe around me as I moved to stand in front of my bedroom window. I looked up at the main house and found my eyes drawn to the sad looking figure standing in the window of my old bedroom.

We were now into the fifth day of Ashley's treatment and so far there was no real change. She still refused to speak to my parents and would just stare out the window, although now that she was into her detox she was having to sit down in a chair by the window as the trembling and sickness of withdrawal took over her body.

She also had to make regular trips into the bathroom as the nausea overtook her. It was hard to hear about her suffering and not run like mad up to the house to comfort her. What stopped me were the memories of all the nights I had tried to help her and come up against a brick wall.

I could vividly remember all the times I had held her hair back as her body punished her for the chemicals she had put into it the night before. I could remember her crying and swearing that it was the last time and that she was done with the drugs for good. 'For good' usually lasted about 5 hours at the most.

I could remember the mornings I had to race between my wife who was vomiting her guts up and our baby daughter who needed her Mommy and Momma. I could remember the moments a drug affected Ashley had tried to 'help' me with Allie and only proceeded to make everything so much worse. I remember the time when Ashley was so off her face she screamed at our crying daughter to 'shut the fuck up or she would shut her up for good.' I remember huddling in our locked bedroom after that with my screaming baby in my arms and an apologetic Ashley pounding on the door until she passed out.

I remembered all that and more.

I had to admit I had finally succumbed to the urge to go see her up close and had gone up to the main house the night before. Maybe that is another reason I hadn't been able to sleep.

_Flashback_

_I left Allie with Glen and Madison, who was starting to get quite heavily pregnant, and wandered up to the main house under the cover of darkness. I locked my eyes on Ashley as she sat in the window of my old bedroom as I walked. Her eyes were moving over the farm, stopping on certain places for a while and then moving on to stare at something else. I turned my head to see what it was she was looking at in that moment and found her eyes drinking in the sight of the cottage I shared with Allie. Maybe she was thinking and me and our daughter?_

_I sighed and pushed on, walking up to the beautifully etched front door of the main house. I ran my hands over the carvings of horses, flowers and leaves that adorned the door before gently pushing my way inside. When we were little Ashley and I had sat in front of that door for hours naming all the horses. The memory made me smile._

_I wandered through the front foyer and to the kitchen where I found my Mom sitting at the table writing in a spiral bound note book. I knew those books well, those were the note books she and Dad used when keeping notes on clients. My guess, that was Ashley's note book._

_Mom heard me walk in and smiled warmly, "Hi sweetheart, how are you?"_

_I ambled over and took a seat next to my Mom, resting my head on her shoulder. Mom planted a kiss on my head as I said, "I'm ok. How are you doing?"_

_Mom rested her pen against her notebook and said, "I'm tired, but alright. I am guessing it is not really my wellbeing you came up here to check on though is it?"_

_I snuggled closer to my Mom and sighed, "Of course I came to check on you and Dad, but yeah I also came to see how Ashley is doing."_

_Mom wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me into a hug. "She's still doing much the same Spence, still not talking or eating. She just sits there, or is in the bathroom throwing up. She is not going to get better if she keeps this up!"_

_I stood up abruptly and threw my hands in the air, "This is the same old story with her Mom, she doesn't do anything to help herself! I mean every time we tried to get her help she just went through the motions, but never made the effort to change."_

_I paced across the kitchen, the whole time feeling my mother's eyes on me, "Why won't she do anything to help herself get better Mom?" I murmured sadly. _

_Mom smiled sadly, "Because the issues that are causing her to numb her pain with these drugs are too big for her to face. In her mind it is better to throw herself into oblivion than to face up to what happened. What we are going to try and do is help her face up to all of it so that she can let it all go and finally move on."_

_I leaned heavily against the counter and looked over into my mother's comforting blue eyes, "Can I go up and see her? I promise to try not to yell or anything." Mom nodded with a smile and I plodded up the stairs. _

_I found my dad sitting on the sofa outside my old room. I flopped down next to him and Dad leaned over to kiss my cheek. "Hi Dad, how's it going?"_

_Dad ran his hand through his curly black hair and shrugged, "No change, I just spent 30 minutes talking to her and got nothing but silence. We're not giving up on her though, we will fight to get her better."_

_I nodded, "I know you will. Um do you think I could go in and talk to her for a little while? I just have a few things to say."_

_Dad nodded and stood up, pulling me to my feet, "Ok, but go easy on her ok?"_

_I nodded in reply and watched as he headed down the stairs to join my Mom in the kitchen. I sat on the sofa for a moment to steady myself before I went into my old bedroom. I took a few deep breaths and then got to my feet. I hesitated in front of the door, which stood slightly ajar, then knocked on the wood and stepped into the room._

_Ashley didn't move a muscle as I walked in, but somehow I knew that she was aware that it was me standing only a few feet behind her. I swallowed down the gasp as I took in her appearance. She was even gaunter than she had been when Raife had dropped her off only four days ago. Her hair seemed limper and duller. I could see her body trembling with withdrawal and her skin sweaty as she struggled with the effects of being without drugs for 4 whole days. I don't think she had been 4 whole days sober in almost four years! _

_I took a step closer and then paused, watching for any reaction or movement. Besides her continued shaking there was nothing. I took another step and then another until I was standing only a foot away from her near the bottom corner of my old bed. I sat down on the purple and green comforter that I had picked out when I was 15 and stared at her profile as she continued to gaze out the window._

_I cleared my throat and started to speak softly, "hello Ashley, how are you feeling?"_

_She just sat silently and didn't respond. I sighed and just started talking, "So I finished writing a song this afternoon for Katy Perry, the producers and Katy seemed to really love it. It's kind of a love song, it talks about making promises and being kids together. It was a lot of fun to work on." I paused and let out a little chuckle, "My lyric writing is not bad, but man my music is always a struggle! I got spoilt having you there to help me compose the melody of the songs."_

_Still no response._

_I sighed and continued talking, "Madison is only a month or so away from having her baby and if you though she was a handful before, it was nothing compared to how crazy pregnancy hormones have made her! It's exciting though, I want Allie to have a cousin."_

_I saw her eyes quickly flick in my direction at the mention of Allie's name and I nearly fell off the bed in shock. I gazed at her eyes, but they were back to looking out of the window._

_I ran a hand through my hair and said in a husky, emotion filled voice, "Allie is doing really well Ash." Her eyes flicked over to me again and stayed locked on me this time. I swallowed hard and kept talking, "She is four now and wow is she amazing. She is so kind and funny and so smart. She is going to start school next year, which she is very excited about. Her and Hailey, Vanessa's daughter, are going to the same elementary school we went to. She looks a lot like you actually, with this wild mess of brown curls! I spend a lot of time just trying to tame them."_

_Ashley turned slightly in her chair so that she was pointed more in my direction, most of her body still pointed at the window though. I took that as encouragement and continued talking, "Allie and Hailey are best friends, it is so adorable to see them together. They remind me of you and I when we were younger. Oh and Allie is horse mad, just like we were! She has a pony named Donkey, after Donkey in Shrek much to my amusement and she is starting to get pretty good. I can even lead her on Donkey while I ride my horse, she loves going out on rides around the farm. Allie loves Shrek, so much so that she wants a kitten named Puss In Boots and a puppy named Swamp, you know because Shrek lived in a swamp."_

_I looked down at my hands which were clasped in my lap and bit my lip, "Allie needs you Ash, she needs her other mother in her life."_

_As soon as those words had left my lips Ashley turned her gaze back to the window. Clearly I had crossed some boundary she wasn't ready for. Well screw that._

_I shook my head and said angrily, "You can't just ignore this Ash, you have a daughter! A beautiful four year old who desperately wants to know her Momma. She can't really remember you, which is so goddamn sad it makes me cry myself to sleep! All she knows of you are the stories people tell her. It's not right Ashley! You walked out of her life 2 years ago and never looked back, she deserves so much more than that from you! And for the record so do I!"_

_Ashley still sat frozen, but I noticed the trembling of her body was more noticeable. I ran my hands through my hair and let out a choked little sob that made her whole body visibly tense. "I have been a single parent pretty much since the day Allie was born. I know that what happened was awful, I know that because I lived it too. The difference being that I picked myself up and got my shit together so I could look after our daughter, something you were unable or unwilling to do."_

_I angrily swiped at the tears that started to course down my cheeks and said brokenly, "I hope you never have to know what it feels like to watch the person you love destroy themselves with drugs while you are powerless to stop it. I hope you never know the hopelessness I felt every day for 2 years as I struggled to raise a baby and look after you. I hope you never know the hopelessness I still feel because I couldn't help you. I remember nights where someone would call and I would have to bundle Allie up in the car while I picked you up. You would be so high you would scare Allie and I would have to drive home with her screaming and you drugged out of your head!"_

_I stood up and took a step closer to her, the way she flinched letting me know I had her full attention, "I remember days where you would just disappear on a bender, leaving me alone with Allie. I remember calling the police, searching for you and worrying to the point I made myself physically sick. I remember walking into the bathroom to give Allie a bath and finding you shooting up with heroin! I remember my 18 month old daughter walking up to me with a baggie of cocaine which she was about to stick in her mouth! I remember Allie finding you passed out and sobbing because she was so scared. I remember trusting you to watch Allie for 2 hours while I went to help my mother and coming home to find a screaming Allie sitting in her own filth while you were passed out on the floor!"_

_By this point I was full on sobbing, choking out each word as it burned my throat. I noticed a solitary tear fall from Ashley's lifeless eyes, maybe I was actually getting through to her. _

_I moved to stand beside her, my shoulders shaking as I cried, "I remember trips to the emergency room, calling ambulances, dealing with police, dealing with dealers who turned up at our house, dealing with tabloids and paparazzi. I remember photos of you touching other women, kissing them, pretty much fucking them with a drugged up look on your face. I remember finding you unconscious and not breathing the first time you OD'd, and then the second and the third. I remember praying to god for you to live and get better. I remember crying alone in our bed almost every night, wishing you would come back to me."_

_I took a deep shuddering breath and said in a broken voice, "I remember you breaking my heart every day for the last four years."_

_I took another deep shuddering breath and squatted down beside her. I rested a hand on her knee and murmured, "I also remember my best friend, first and only love. I remember how happy we once were, how in love. I remember telling you we were going to be parents and how full of joy we were. I miss that person Ash." I let out a deep breath, "You have to get better, for real this time. You have so much worth fighting for and you are wasting your life, you are missing your daughter growing up," I paused and then said in a tiny voice, "Maybe also think about getting better for me. Despite everything I love you and I don't want to keep living like this."_

_I got up and walked slowly out of the room. As I stepped outside I heard her whisper, "I don't want to live like this anymore either."_

_End of Flashback_

It had been so hard to see her and talk to her, but I think it was the right thing. I think maybe we both needed to hear those things I had bottled up inside me. Maybe hearing them might make a difference, might make Ashley want to change. I don't know, I guess we will see.

I sighed before throwing back the bed covers and climbing out of the warmth of my sheets. Time to start another day!


	9. Chapter 9

B0 – based on your review of chapter one you may or may not see this response, but I felt I had to post a reply to your review. Firstly, I'm sorry this story isn't working for you and I'm sorry that you feel this story is "the worse of all Ashley screw up stories." I'm also sorry you feel that you will not continue reading this story. Yes Ashley often makes mistakes in my stories but I see that as inspired by the character arc she went through on the show. Ashley is the character (on the show) that was a rebel and made a lot of mistakes while pushing people away. Eventually she learnt how to commit and to let others (Spencer and Kyla mostly) in. She moved from a scared little girl who really screwed up to a mature young woman who knew what she wanted. I guess the Ashley I have created in this story (and some of my others) is built around those core things. I see Ashley as a tragically flawed character who overcomes a lot to grow and change. That is the character I wish to explore in my stories. I thank you for taking the time to review and for the compliment regarding my writing.

I wanted to apologise for how long it has been between updates, unfortunately I was pretty sick for a while there and then busy with work to make up for the time I had off.

Thank you to everyone who has waited patiently for me to post, thank you to those who read, added alerts, favourited and reviewed. Thank you to, Harley Quinn Davidson, odunit, Godlove, Breakdown6, taymm15, CR00, LeftHanded, AbInitio, waterproof88, vts (2 reviews this chapter! Thanks!), Born2Try, julsola007, Dominomino, littlepecks, scrux2.

Dani – thank you so much!

Shayer – thank you my friend! 'Drugs do not discriminate', I whole-heartedly agree!

**Angels on the Moon**

Chapter Nine

Arthur's POV

I strode up the stairs, after sending my exhausted wife to bed, and knocked gently on the door to what was now Ashley's room. I waited for a response, which I knew I wasn't going to get, and then stepped inside the room.

I looked over at Ashley's usual spot by the window and found it empty. I soon figured out exactly where she was when the sound of violent retching came through the door to the adjoining bathroom. I sighed and walked over to tap on the door, "Ashley are you ok? Do you need anything?"

The response was silence.

All we had gotten from Ashley in the six days she had been with us was silence. A part of me really doubted whether Paula and I were going to be able to help her. We tried so hard to reach her, to get even the smallest response, and kept getting nothing.

The only time she had responded to anyone was two nights ago when Spencer came to see her. After she left Ashley's room Spencer had come down stairs so distressed and distraught it took Paula and I almost half an hour to calm her down enough to find out what had happened.

Now while I don't necessarily agree with throwing all of Ashley's mistakes in her face at this stage in her treatment, maybe she needed to hear it. Maybe she needed to be held accountable for the pain she had caused not only to Spencer and Allie, but to the entire family as well. The whole family, both Davies and Carlins, had been to hell and back over the last four years.

The fact remains that those few little responses that Spencer was able to draw from Ashley were the most we had gotten for all our efforts. I guess part of the reason for keeping Ashley here was that we all believed that it would be Spencer who would get through to her.

By the sounds of things it was talk of Allie that really got to Ashley. Maybe that was an in.

I heard movement on the other side of the door, the flush of the toilet and the sound of water in the sink so I moved back away from the door. Ashley opened it a second later and actually looked up into my eyes for the briefest moment. I smiled warmly and said, "I was hoping you would come and join me for breakfast Ashley? You don't have to talk, but I thought some fresh air would be good."

Ashley stood by her chair next to the window and looked at her feet, this was progress. Every other time I had asked her to leave the sanctuary of this room she had ignored me entirely and just sat down in that damn chair.

"Maybe we could eat on the deck that overlooks the paddock so you can see old Henry?" I suggested with a grin. Ashley bit her lip and then moved towards the door. I stepped out of her way and followed her down the stairs and into the kitchen. I picked up a tray of breakfast food and drinks and led the way to the decking overlooking the paddocks.

Ashley stood in the doorway, blinking at the sun light as it hit her face. She hesitated a moment and then moved to take a seat in the chair that most directly faced the paddock where Henry and Donkey (Allie's unfortunately named pony) lived. She leaned back into the cushions on the chair and closed her eyes as the sun bathed her face in warm light. For a moment there I could almost see the old Ashley Davies, before life decided to kick the shit out of her.

I placed the tray on the table and took a seat, "I wasn't sure what you wanted to eat so I made a few things. We have banana pancakes, the ones you always asked me to make when you slept over here as a kid, fruit, toast, fresh baked blueberry muffins, coffee and juice. Oh and here is a water bottle if you want it."

Ashley hesitated before sitting up a little straighter and placing one banana pancake on to her plate. I held in my smile of excitement and passed over a knife and fork. This was the first time she had actually sat down to a meal with Paula or me. In fact for the first 3 days she refused to eat at all. The last couple of days she had picked at the food we had brought up to her room.

I placed some food onto my own plate and started eating, flashing her a smile as she picked up her fork and took a bite of pancake. I raised the coffee pot in her direction and she nodded slightly. I poured the black liquid into a mug and handed it to her. Ashley raised it to her lips and took a sip.

"You see old Henry down there, still going strong! He's around 35 years old now and enjoying a retirement of bossing Donkey around," I pointed at the pony standing next to Henry and explained, "Donkey is Allie's pony, she named him after Donkey in Shrek."

For a second there I thought I almost saw Ashley's lips twitch into a smile. So I kept right on talking, "Paula is teaching Allie how to ride and she is doing pretty well. Spencer is planning on taking Allie to her first show in a month or so, it should be pretty great. Allie is pretty excited anyway."

Ashley took another bite of pancake and looked out at the ponies just in time to see Henry flatten his ears and bare his teeth at Donkey who shied away from the older pony, I swear I almost saw her smile again.

"Maybe when you're feeling stronger you and I can go for a ride around the farm? My old quarter horse could do with the exercise and we have a few other horses that you might like to ride. Something to think about anyway," I suggested with a grin.

Ashley glanced at me and continued eating her food, managing to eat 1 pancake and a slice of toast before she pushed her plate away and took a big swallow of coffee. It was more than I had seen her eat the whole time she had been on the farm with us. It was encouraging.

I leant back in my chair and looked out over the farm, smiling at the ponies as they settled down to graze under the massive oak tree in the corner of their paddock. Ashley followed suit and was soon resting back in her chair, she almost looked relaxed.

We sat in a comfortable silence for a while and then the sound of an excited four-year old voice stole our attention.

"Donkey! Donkey! Mommy's gonna take us for a trail ride," Allie called as she skipped over to the paddock gate. Spencer jogged after her, both of them dressed for a horseback ride in jeans, boots, t-shirts and helmets.

I looked over at Ashley and saw her totally frozen as she drank in the sight of her daughter. This would have been the closest Ashley had been to Allie in two years. Ashley's hands were clenched tightly around the arms of her chair and her breathing was evidently more erratic.

The two ponies ambled over to the gate, getting a treat from Allie. Spencer opened the gate and clipped a lead rope to Donkey's halter, she passed the rope to Allie and the two of them walked together towards the barn where they would saddle up and head out.

Ashley's eyes did not leave them even for a second. Her expression was one of longing, regret, sadness and guilt. It was the most emotion I had seen in her since she had arrived. As devastating as it was to witness, I couldn't help but feel hopeful that finally the walls around her were starting to crack.

I smiled kindly, "Allie is sure growing up fast, she is such a great little girl. She loves horses, just like you and Spencer and she loves music. You should hear her singing along to your old CDs, she reminds me of a younger you."

Ashley flicked her eyes from the barn to look at me, her expression heart breaking to see. It was such pure, unadulterated pain that I just wanted to wrap my arms around her. I didn't though, I didn't want to push her too far.

I sighed and ran my hand through my dark hair, "We talk about you a lot to Allie, we tell her stories and show her photos. Spencer has always wanted her to know who you are. We have shown her footage of you performing and all the home movies we have. She is very curious about you."

Finally Ashley spoke. The first words I had heard her utter. She asked me in a voice husky from lack of use, "Where does Allie think I am?"

I smiled sadly and replied, "We just tell her you had to go away. We haven't ever really gone into detail about it. That excuse works now, but soon she is going to ask more questions and to be honest I don't know what we will tell her."

Ashley nodded and let out a deep breath, turning her eyes back to the barn. We sat in silence for a while and then Spencer and Allie came out of the barn with Spencer leading her horse Tully and Donkey.

Spencer lifted Allie up onto Donkey's back and got her settled safely in the saddle before mounting Tully and gripping onto the lead rope still clipped to Donkey. She beamed at Allie who was giggling excitedly and the two of them started heading off towards the forest land we had on the farm. Allie looked back at us for a moment and then turned back to Spencer as they rode through the trees.

Ashley sighed and watched them until they disappeared into the forest. Then she stood up and disappeared inside. I let her go and then gathered up our breakfast dishes to take them in to the kitchen. It may not have been a lot of progress, but it was progress none the less.

Spencer's POV

I had seen Ashley sitting on the deck with my Dad and hoped that Allie wouldn't notice them and start asking questions. I wasn't going to lie to Allie, but I wasn't sure I was ready to tell her that her Momma was here on the farm.

Unfortunately my hoping was for nothing because as soon as we set out on our horses Allie turned around and saw Ashley and Dad sitting together. "Mommy who is that lady with Gramps? Do I know her?"

I sighed and said, "Well yes you do know her, that's Ashley your Momma."

Allie looked up at me confused, "Momma? But I thought she was far away? Why is she here?"

I took a moment to think about how I was going to answer those questions in a way that wasn't a lie, but that would protect Allie from the harsh truth. The sound of the horses' hooves plodding along the track through the forest was the only sound I could hear.

"Well…your Momma was far away Allie, but she came to stay with Gramma and Gramps a little while ago," I replied, looking down at my daughter.

"But _why_ is she here Mommy?" Allie asked again.

"Your Momma is here to get better. Um you know how Gramma and Gramps have the house where they help all those people to get better? Well your Momma needed help too so she is staying with Gramma and Gramps so they can help her get better." I explained.

Allie went quiet as I lead her along on Donkey from up on Tully, my Quarter Horse. I kept looking down at her, watching her expression go from confused to concerned to sad and then back to confused.

"But why didn't Momma come and see me? She went away when I was very little Mommy and I don't even know her, well I do but just from photos and stories and stuff. So if she's come back why hasn't she come to visit me?" Allie asked, her big blue eyes filling up with tears.

I pulled our horses to a halt and quickly swung out of my saddle to take my little girl in my arms. "Oh Baby girl, your Momma wants to see you! She loves you so much kiddo, she just needs to get better first and then you will see her."

"Is she very sick Mommy?" Allie asked, tears still falling from her eyes.

"Momma is pretty sick poppet. She has been for a long time and Gramma and Gramps are doing everything they can to help her get better," I said as I tried to reassure my little girl.

"I want to see her, maybe it will make her feel better? I can read her stories and give her cuddles, just like you do when I'm sick!" Allie suggested, looking hopeful.

"Allie I don't think it's a good idea at the moment, Momma needs to focus on getting better," I would have continued, but the sad voice of my daughter cut me off.

"I could _help_ her get better Mommy! I could help Momma to feel better and then we can all be a family!" Allie cried.

I tore at my heart to see my little girl so distressed by all this. This is what I had been trying to prevent, Allie getting hurt. All I had ever wanted was to protect my little girl from getting her heart broken, I didn't want her to ever feel the way I did.

I ran my hand over her back in a soothing motion and said softly, "I know you want to help your Momma Allie, but right now she needs Gramma and Gramps help. I don't know if you, me and your Momma will ever be a family again, but I know that your Momma loves you very much Allie."

"Then can I go see her?" Allie asked with a little sniffle.

I shook my head with a sad smile, "Not yet poppet, let Momma get better and then you can see her."

Allie stared at me with a look I had never seen before and said, "Why are you being so mean Mommy? I just want to see my Momma!"

I sighed and tried to hold her little hand, only to have her pull away, "Sweetie I'm not being mean, I just want to protect you so you don't get hurt."

Allie folded her arms over her chest and said angrily, "My Momma won't hurt me! She loves me and I bet she wants to see me! You're the mean one, you're the bad one coz you want to keep me away from her!"

"That's not true at all, I would love for you to get to spend time with your Momma Allie and I hope that happens sometime soon. For right now though it just isn't a good idea for you to see your Momma." I tried to explain.

Allie glared at me, the first time she had ever done that, and muttered, "I wanna go home now!"

I sighed again and climbed back onto Tully so I could take us back to the barn. Allie sat silently up on her pony and refused to speak to me the whole way back. This was one of the things I had been worried about, that having Ashley here on the farm was going to negatively impact on Allie.

She was my main concern in all of this. I didn't want to let Allie meet Ashley until I knew she was done with the drugs. How could I let my baby girl meet Ashley, fall in love with her Momma and then risk her getting her heart broken if Ashley couldn't stay clean? I needed to know that this was for real, that Ashley wasn't just going to go back to drugs once she left the farm. Until I knew for certain (well as close to certain as I could be) I didn't want to put Allie in a position to get hurt.

We arrived back at the barn and Allie refused to look my way as I unsaddled our horses after their really short ride and brushed them down. I threw Tully's rugs on him and let him and Donkey go in the paddock with Henry.

The whole time Allie just sat on a bale of hay with her arms folded.

Once the horses were out in the paddock I held out my hand to Allie, which she ignored, and we headed down the driveway to our house in silence.

We arrived home and I tried to talk to my little girl again, "Allie you know Mommy just wants what's best for you. I just want to protect you."

Allie scowled and said, "No you just don't want me to know my Momma! You're mean and you want me all to yourself! It's not fair!"

I knelt down to her level and said softly, "That's not true Allie, I really do want you to get to know your Momma. I just…I don't think it's the right time now. Let's just wait a little while and see how your Momma is doing at getting better ok? Then we'll talk about it again."

Allie scowled harder at me and stomped off to her bedroom. I let her go, figuring she need some time to calm down. It was unusual for Allie to get upset with me and I had learnt that the best thing to do was give her a little time and then talk try to her again.

After about 20 minutes I headed to her room to talk. I swung open the door and looked in with a smile, which turned to a frown when I noticed she wasn't there. I walked out of the room and towards the living room calling, "Allie, Allie! Where are you poppet?"

No answer.

I quickened my steps and frantically searched the living room, bathrooms, my bedroom, the guest room, my studio, kitchen and dining room. After search turned up nothing I sprinted into the yard and started yelling for her at the top of my lungs, "ALLIE, ALLIE! Where are you?!"

By this stage I was crying and that was when I noticed the front gate open. I _never_ left that gate open. I pulled my phone from my pocket and started dialling.


	10. Chapter 10

Wow thank you to everyone for their well wishes and enquiries about my health, I promise you all I am back to 100%.

Thank you also to everyone who takes time to read my story. Thank you for following and favouriting this story. It means a lot.

Thank you especially to the following people for sharing your thoughts with me, scrux2, Godlove, Harley Quinn Davidson, waterproof88, Dominomino, Judelltar, CR00, taymm15, Breakdown6, julsola007, Ohsoclever1, vts, Born2Try, this story great, Chillanin1 and Dani.

notspencerfan – you are entitled to your opinion, I disagree but thank you for sharing it with me.

Guest – I assume you are Shayer (it didn't show a name) so thank you my dear friend and consultant on this story!

I realised I hadn't been doing disclaimers, but I assume you all realise that I do not own SON, much to my incredible sadness!

**Angels on the Moon**

Chapter Ten

Spencer's POV

"Spencer, just calm down!" Clay said with a gentle hand on my shoulder.

I shook it off and snapped, "Calm down? Are you kidding Clay?! There is no way in hell I am calming down until I know Allie is safe!" I glanced up as Dad raced up to join us, "No sign of her at the main house?"

He shook his head sadly, "No she wasn't there Spencer. Your Mom has stayed behind in case Allie turns up. She'll call us if anything happens."

"Ok...ok so we have to look for her, we have to find her. Glen can you go down to Carlin House and see if Allie made her way down there?" Glen nodded and jogged off to his SUV.

I turned to Clay next and asked, "Clay can you please check the barn, sheds and the paddocks, see if she's with Donkey? We all know how much she loves that pony," Clay agreed and started running down the driveway.

Next up was Chelsea, "Chelsea can you search down the driveway towards the road? I don't think she would have gone that way, but you never know. Make sure you look in the shrubs along the road, she might be hiding."

"No problem Spence, I'll call if I hear anything," Chelsea replied before heading off down the driveway.

"Madison can you stay at my place just in case she comes home? Dad and I will check the trails and the forest," I said, my voice husky as I held back tears. Madison gave my hand a squeeze before heading back into my house and Dad and I headed off for the trails, hoping against hope that Allie wouldn't have gotten too far and that we would find her quickly!

I wouldn't feel better until I knew that my daughter was safe.

Ashley's POV

I sat by the window in Spencer's old bedroom, actually I had spent so much of my childhood there it felt like it was _my_ childhood bedroom as well, and gazed up the driveway at the cottage where my wife and my daughter lived. My girls.

I lifted my hand to push my limp, thinning dull brown hair out of my face and felt my fingers tremble against my skin. I was a goddamn mess and I had no one to blame but myself. Everything I had become, everything my family and loved ones was going through was my fault. I was the cause of so much pain for everyone in my life. They would all be better off if I had managed to kill myself with those fucking drugs. More often than not I really wished I had.

It hurt so much to know that I had destroyed the best parts of my life, it was like I couldn't move, or function. All I could do was sit and stare out at the farm that had once been home to me. I searched the property for memories of better times and waited for the little moments when I got to see Allie and Spencer. Anything to take me away from the fucking thoughts that made me want to leave this place and find the nearest possible bar or dealer to send myself into the bliss of oblivion.

I watched Spencer and Allie whenever I could. I watched them in their garden, coming and going from their house. I watched the lights go on and off in their cottage and dreamed about what they were doing.

Since I had left my girls two years ago I had tried not to think about them, but they ended up being the majority of what I thought about. I thought about them both so much it was just easier to stay high. It was easier to lose myself in the drugs, alcohol and my demons than to face the truth of it all. To face up to the fact that what my life had become was entirely my doing.

I knew that I had put Spencer and our family through hell, and I don't think I could ever begin to forgive myself for that. Listening to Spencer talk about all the pain and heart break I had caused her, watching as she broke down in her old bedroom two nights ago, killed me. All I wanted was to lose myself in the nothingness that only drugs could provide. After she had left I had searched through all my stuff, hoping that Paula had missed something in her search. I found nothing.

Instead I was forced to spend the night facing up to the pain I had caused Spencer. The part that was hardest to hear though was that she still loved me. How could she still love me when I had destroyed everything? I was poison and everyone I touched ended up broken. It almost made me angry, why couldn't she just give up on me like anyone else would have? Why were they forcing me to 'get better' when I wasn't worth it. Why wouldn't they just leave me alone and let me disappear like I deserved?

I was lost in thought when the sound of panicked voices downstairs caught my attention. "Arthur! Spencer just called, Allie has gone missing!" Paula cried almost hysterically.

I felt my breath catch in my throat and quickly walked over to the door so I could hear what they were saying.

"Oh my God, what happened?" Arthur asked in a deeply concerned voice.

"Spencer said she and Allie had an argument and while Spencer thought Allie was in her room she must have snuck out of the house. Spencer says she must have been gone for about 20 minutes to half an hour by now. She is beside herself," Paula said tearfully.

I moved to the top of the stairs so I could see them and watched as Arthur pulled his wife, who was still in her pyjamas having been woken up by her cell phone, into his arms and held her close. "Shh Sweetheart, it's going to be ok. I'll go help Spencer and the others look and you stay here in case Allie shows up."

Paula nodded against his chest and Arthur kissed her on the forehead before releasing her, grabbing his cell phone and racing out the door. Paula watched him go with worry marring her features.

I just felt sick. I know I had walked away from Spencer and Allie, but I love them. The thought that Allie was off somewhere by herself was almost too much to take. I really fucking wished I was high.

Before Paula could catch me up on the stairs I crept back through the upstairs hallway and snuck down the very back staircase that led out to the coat room. These stairs were almost never used these days, but Spencer and I had used them a lot as kids when we were sneaking away from Glen and Clay.

I stepped out of the house and into the sunlight, blinking as my eyes adjusted. I couldn't believe only an hour or so ago I had been out here eating breakfast with Arthur and now I was going to look for my missing daughter who I hadn't really ever been a parent to.

I guess if I had really stopped to think about what I was doing I would have been shitting myself at the thought of coming face to face with my daughter for the first time in 2 years, and to be frank seeing her without me being high for the first time in pretty much her whole life. All I was thinking about was getting to my daughter and getting her back to Spencer safely. It was like I was on autopilot.

I walked up the path between the house and the paddocks, sticking to the shadows of the line of trees when I saw Clay heading towards the paddock where Donkey lived. I will admit I almost had to laugh when Spencer told me Allie had named her pony Donkey, but then it made me sad to think I wasn't there for the conversation that decided that. I had missed so damn much. It felt like I had missed too much to ever go back and make it right. So the least I could do was help them search.

I figured if Allie was anything like me she wasn't going to hide somewhere people could find her, unless she actually did want to be found. I strode up the path and disappeared into the trees at the edge of the forest. I started walking up hill, following a narrow path that had been worked into the ground after many years of Spencer and me racing up here, although the path was kind of hidden unless you knew where to look for it.

I was breathing heavily only a few minutes into the walk, which wasn't too surprising given all the damage I had done to my body in recent years. Once I had prided myself on living healthy, exercising and eating right, that all changed when…well…no I am not going to talk about it yet.

I charged on up the hill, gasping as I struggled to breathe. I reached the top and stopped, resting my hands on my knees, as I fought to get my breathing under control. I raised my eyes and looked around the clearing that had been Spencer's and my spot since we were 5 years old. This place held a lot of memories.

Finally my eyes came to rest upon the huddled up figure of a small girl with messy dark brown curls. I sighed and walked over to where Allie sat with her knees tucked up against her chest and her arms around her legs. She had tears on her cheeks and her big blue eyes were watching me with curiosity.

I cleared my throat and said softly, "Hi Allie."

She looked up at me and then turned her face away to stare sullenly out over the view of the farm. I moved closer and sat down next to her, leaving a little bit of space between us. "Do you know who I am?" I asked gently.

Allie nodded and said in a sad voice, "You're Ashley, my Momma, and you went away when I was only little."

I nodded, "Yeah that's true, I did go away." I paused for a minute and then said, "Everyone is really worried about you Allie, your Mommy is really sad."

Allie bit her lip and said quietly, "Mommy and I had a fight. I said she was mean, but I don't know anymore. Maybe I was mean, not her."

Part of me couldn't quite believe that I was there, sitting next to my four year old daughter having a conversation, while another part of me just couldn't believe how right it felt. I had always kind of viewed Allie as a living reminder of what went wrong, but that was stupid. She was the single greatest thing I had ever been involved in. Maybe I hadn't helped raise her, but she was a part of me and I was a part of her.

I smiled kindly at her and asked, "What did you and your Mommy fight about? I'm sure neither of you meant to be mean or upset each other."

Allie looked up and fixed me with a look so reminiscent of Spencer I almost gasped, "Mommy and me were fighting about you."

I felt my eyebrows shoot up into my hairline as I asked, "About me? What about me?"

"I saw you with Gramps this morning and I asked Mommy if I could see you, she said you had to get better first. I wanted to help you get better, but Mommy didn't want me to see you. She never told me you were here and I don't remember you. I wanted to see you and Mommy said no," Allie said tearfully.

I was at a loss, I had no idea what to say or do. The last thing I had ever wanted in coming to the Carlin's farm was to drive a wedge between Spencer and Allie. I was also blown away by how mature and grown up my little girl was for a four year old. Spencer had done an amazing job.

I finally murmured, "Allie your Mommy was just trying to protect you, she just wants what's best for you."

Allie looked up at me with big blue eyes full of confusion, "But why is it best for me to not see you?"

Wow, what a question! What can you say to that? I took a deep breath and said sadly, "Because I am sick Allie and I really hurt your Mommy. She is scared I might hurt you too. I've made a lot of mistakes Allie and I have hurt a lot of people."

Allie looked thoughtful before she asked, "Why didn't you ever come and see me?"

I swallowed around the lump in my throat and choked out, "I've been sick for a long time Allie and I just couldn't come and see you. I didn't want you to see me when I was in a bad way. I just couldn't come and see you, I couldn't."

Allie sighed in a very Spencer like way and shook her head, "I don't understand why you were away for so long. Mommy missed you every day and I wanted to know you! You shouldn't have stayed away for so long."

I had nothing to say to that, she was right. My four year old had more sense than I did. She was wise beyond her years.

Allie reached over and took my hand in her little one, making my skin tingle and my heart ache so painfully I would have sold my soul for some pills or booze, instead I had to feel it all. The aching love for that little girl and the agony of years' worth of regret. I wanted to run but then she smiled hesitantly at me and said, "Now that you're back, don't go away again ok?"

I nodded and gave her hand a little squeeze, "I won't."

Allie's smile widened and she moved closer to snuggle against me, I wrapped my arms around my little girl and nearly cried at the amount of love I felt for her. I knew I had to get her back to Spencer who had to be losing her mind, but I wasn't ready for my moment with my daughter to be over. Allie rested her head against me and asked, "Can you tell me a story about you and Mommy please?"

"Sure, um I have the perfect story…"

_Flashback_

_I leaned against the stall door and patted the nose of the gorgeous chestnut mare behind me. She nudged my shoulder roughly before taking a mouthful of my hair in her mouth and chewing. I hastily yanked it out and scowled at the cheeky looking mare while Spencer and Kyla burst out laughing as they groomed their own horses._

_I rolled my eyes, "Ok so Contessa here has a big personality!"_

_Spencer giggled, "Face it Ash, she is you in horse form!"_

_I shrugged and beamed at my best friend as I clipped a halter onto Contessa and led her out of her stall so I could groom her._

_The three of us were all now much too big for Henry, Spencer and I were 15 and Kyla had just turned 13 a few weeks ago. Thankfully Mr and Mrs Carlin had a stable full of horses for us to choose from. They used the horses as a part of the therapy and rehab they did over at Carlin house that was on the farm. Plus both of them had grown up on farms in Ohio so they kinda couldn't cope without the horses._

_I smiled over at Kyla who was standing on a little stepladder in order to brush her mare Bonnie. Bonnie was a cute, large palomino pony that Spencer had ridden until she grew out of her and her parent's bought her a quarter horse for her last birthday._

"_Come on Ash, get a move on or Kyla and I will go riding without you!" Spencer teased as she finished cleaning out her gelding's hoof with a hoof pick. She wiped the mud off on her jeans and smirked at me as she moved over to her grooming box to throw the pick back in. she picked up a soft body brush and started to run it over the glossy black coat of the muscular gelding. His name was Dodge and Spencer was a little besotted with him. I'll admit that I was a little jealous, just like I was whenever anything or anyone else took Spencer's attention off me._

"_I'm moving, I'm moving! Sheesh!" I grumbled jokingly._

_Spencer winked at me and walked over to help a struggling Kyla lift the saddle and saddle blanket up onto Bonnie. She reached under the pony and did up the girth. Kyla thanked her and climbed onto her stepladder so she could put the bridle on the patient pony. _

_Spencer started to head back to Dodge when a slow, romantic song came on the radio. She turned it up and started swaying a little to the music. Kyla sighed and said, "I love this song, I wonder if anyone will ever dance with me to it."_

_Spencer smiled and replied, "Of course they will! But I want to be first!"_

_Spencer grabbed Kyla's hand and they started laughing and swaying to the music right in the middle of the barn. I couldn't tear my eyes from Spencer, which had been happening more and more lately. It was more than best friends, but I wasn't sure I was ready to admit what it really felt like to me. So instead I just watched as my best friend grew more beautiful every day. I waited eagerly for every touch, hug, kiss or moment together. _

_I couldn't stop thinking about her or wanting to be with her. I was starting to think that I might love her as more than a friend. I was…I was in love with her. I was 15 and in love with my best friend._

_Sometimes I even thought she loved me back._

_Spencer and Kyla continued to dance around the barn and then Kyla shoved the blonde in my direction and said, "Dance with Ash!"_

_Spencer smiled her special smile which I knew was just for me and walked over to me. I bit me lip and murmured, "I don't know how to dance like that Spence."_

"_Don't worry, I'll show you. It's not hard," Spencer whispered. _

_She took my hands and rested them on her waist and then wrapped her arms around my neck, bringing our bodies so close that I could feel all of her against me. She rested her cheek against mine and started to sway us to the music. I moved my body with hers, closing my eyes and snuggling in even closer. _

_Spencer kissed me softly on the cheek and tangled her hands into my curls. We moved together until the song ended and then slowly pulled away just a little. We looked into each other's eyes and I swear I could see the same love and wanting I felt in my own. _

_I inched my lips slightly closer to hers, but at the last moment chickened out and kissed her on the cheek instead._

_We stepped away from each other shyly and both looked at Kyla who rolled her eyes, "Man when are you two going to admit that you love each other, like in a girlfriend kind of way? Seriously you two need to wake up and see what's right in front of you!"_

_Kyla turned back to Bonnie and Spencer and I glanced up at each other quickly before rushing over to saddle up our horses. _

_Maybe soon we would be able to admit how we felt, but we just weren't ready yet._

_End Flashback_

I finished my story and found Allie snuggled up to me almost asleep. I smiled down at my little girl and scooped her up in my arms. "Ok Allie, let's get you home to your Mommy."

I struggled under the weight of her, my body a little too destroyed to have much of any strength in it. I staggered down the hill, careful not to wake the now sleeping child I held against me. Her head was nestled under my chin and her arms were warm around my neck, it felt really right.

I made it down the hill without dropping her and slowly headed towards the cottage. I was almost there when I saw a sobbing Spencer being held by Arthur and the rest of the family standing around with looks of concern on their faces.

I was about to call out when Spencer looked up and her broken blue eyes met mine.

Spencer's POV

As soon as I saw Ashley with Allie in her arms I took off running towards them, my tears of fear now coming pouring down my face as tears of relief. As soon as I reached them Ashley passed Allie over into my arms and I hurriedly checked her over, sobbing all the while.

"She's ok! Oh thank God she's ok," I called back to the family who were standing back to give us room.

I looked into Ashley's eyes and said with sincerity, "Thank you for bringing her home."

Ashley nodded and quickly ran her fingers through Allie's messy curls, with the barest hint of a smile, and turned to walk back to the main house. She had gotten about four steps away when Allie, now very much awake, pulled out of my arms and ran after her calling, "Please stop! Please!"

Ashley stopped and turned around. She knelt down to Allie's level and actually smiled. Not a tiny hint of a smile, but a full blown, Ashley Davies nose crinkling smile. I hadn't seen her smile like that in over four years.

Allie quickly threw herself into Ashley's arms. Ashley cradled our daughter to her like she was the most precious thing in the world. I lost it and started to sob again. I had dreamed of seeing this, seeing my wife hold our daughter. I just wished it was under different circumstances.

Ashley raised her eyes to meet mine and what I saw there mirrored what I was feeling. For the first time in a long time I actually felt the connection between Ashley and I.

Allie clung onto her Momma and said, "thank you for finding me and for telling me that story. Thank you for bringing me back to Mommy."

Ashley husked out, "You're welcome Allie."

Allie pulled back a little so she could look into Ashley's eyes and then she said in a sad little voice, "Please can you try real hard to get better? I want you to be able to be my Momma for real and you can't do that unless you get better."

Ashley closed her eyes for a moment as two silent tears made their way down her cheeks. She lean in and kissed Allie tenderly on the cheek and whispered, "I will get better I promise you. I will get better for you and your Mommy."

Ashley held Allie to her and then sent her back to me. I scooped our daughter up in my arms and looked up to meet Ashley's eyes before she turned and walked slowly towards the main house.

God I hoped she was able to keep her promise.


	11. Chapter 11

Wow what a wonderful response to the previous chapter! Thank you all so much!

Thank you reviewers: JayJayxo, waterproof88, Dominomino, Annais81, Scruzx2, Chillaxin1, shayer, CR00, Harley Quinn Davidson, julsola007, taymm15, Breakdown6, Ohsoclever1, vts and Born2Try.

Thank you also to my consultant, Shayer!

I do not own SON.

**Angels on the Moon**

Chapter Eleven

I hung up the phone after updating Vanessa on all the drama of the last few days. I told her all about going to see Ashley (to which I got a very triumphant "I knew you would go and see her!") and then Allie disappearing. I told her about the gut wrenching search through the forest and trails and the disbelief that I hadn't thought to check Ashley and my spot. Of course that was where Allie ended up! I had shown her that spot a few times and told her how special it was, it made perfect sense to me why she would go there.

I told Vanessa how hard it was to see how easily Allie had grown attached to Ashley and how scared I was that this was all going to end really badly. God I was so scared that Ashley would end up letting us down…again. Maybe I was taking a pessimistic view of things, but I think given my history with Ashley it's kind of understandable.

Yesterday had been up there as one of the absolute worst days of my life. Fighting with Allie and then going into her room and finding her missing, those were experiences I did not want to relive. I have never felt relief like I felt when I saw Ashley walking up the driveway carrying our daughter in her arms. I felt like I could actually breathe again.

I watched how they interacted and even in the short time I saw them together I saw such a strong connection between Allie and Ashley. It was incredible. I hoped Ashley had been sincere when she had made her promise to Allie and I that she would get better. I hoped she wold be strong enough to keep her word.

I didn't want to see Allie's heart get broken.

Today was a week, one week since Ashley started rehab here on the farm. One week since she fell back into my life. I knew from years of listening to my parent's talk about addiction that the first week of rehab was a battle, maybe things would get easier for her from here on in? Maybe she would be able to finally open up to my parents and talk about what really led to her being here. Then again maybe not.

I sighed and walked into the living room where Allie sat colouring in pictures of horses I had printed off the internet for her. My little girl was horse mad!

We had shared a stern talk about never running off like that again after we got home yesterday and after much crying (from both of us) we reached a place of understanding. I had actually been surprised that Allie hadn't run straight to the main house to find her Momma, Ashley finding her in the forest was unexpected. Not that it really mattered, all that mattered was that Allie was safe and home. I smiled at my little girl and took a seat on the sofa, pulling out my music composition book so I could work on some songs I had in my mind.

The beauty of my job as a song writer was that I could work from home, make my own hours and have a lot of creative input into what ended up going out to the world. I could tell my stories and have the world listen to them. It was more of a gift than a job. Through my work I had been lucky enough to work with some of the most talented artists and musicians in the world. Of course it was also one of the things that really connected Ashley and I.

I remembered vividly the first time Ashley and I had ever shared our music when we were 16…

_Flashback_

_I sat up in my bedroom with my guitar on my lap. I had been learning guitar for a few years now, but I wasn't very good. Ashley was good, really good. Her Dad had started teaching her when she was only 3 or something. I loved hearing her play, she got so into it. As for me, well I may not have been great at the music side of things, but I did love to write lyrics. It was a great way for me to get out all the feelings and stuff I had going on. It was something I did, just for me. No one else knew, not even Ashley and she knew pretty much everything about me. It was how I dealt with all the confusion and emotions in my head._

_I guess my head had been all over the place lately, well not even just lately. It seems like I'd been feeling like this forever. I strummed a few notes then wrote a few words into my notebook. I just wanted to get some of the thoughts in my head out, maybe then I could make sense of it all. Maybe then I would know what to do._

_I guess it sounds confused, but I had been feeling things for my best friend that I wasn't sure I was supposed to feel. I guess it had started as I just liked her a lot, but then it was like I noticed her all the time, I thought about her and dreamed about her. At first I told myself I wanted to be like her and that I admired her…then I realised I wanted more than that, I wanted to be with her. I wanted to touch her, to hold her and kiss her. I wanted to spend all my time with her. I was pretty much certain I was totally, butt-crazy in love with my best friend, Ashley Davies._

_I wanted to tell her, but I was so scared! I didn't want to be different from all the other kids at my school. I didn't want to get teased or bullied or called names. I wanted to be normal. Plus I was also scared that it would change our friendship. I was scared that I'd tell Ash how I felt and then she would call me a dyke and run away. I was scared I would lose her and that would have killed me. _

_I sighed and strummed my guitar a bit more. I had lyrics in my head that just had to come out. I started hastily scribbling them down in my notebook while occasionally strumming and humming to keep the tune in my mind. I had covered nearly a page in lyrics and notes before I realised I had an audience._

_I looked up and found Ashley standing in the doorway to my bedroom just leaning against the doorframe. She was biting her lip and looking at me with an expression I couldn't quite understand. I blushed hotly and slid my guitar off my lap onto the bed like it was electrified. I slammed my notebook shut and stared down at my hands as I muttered, "Um what are you doing here Ash?"_

_She pushed herself off the doorframe and moved to sit next to me on the bed. She placed her fingers gently on my chin and tilted my face so that she could look into my eyes, "Don't be embarrassed Spence, you should never ever feel embarrassed around me." She paused and placed her hand on my notebook, "Can I have a look?"_

_I froze, that book contained the most personal thoughts and feelings I had ever had…and most of them were about her, but I never hid things from Ashley! I swallowed hard and nodded slowly._

_Ashley beamed her nose-crinkling smile at me, exposing her much hated braces that she'd had for almost a year, and picked up the battered blue notebook. She flipped through the pages, reading the lyrics I had been writing in there. This was my tenth book, I had been writing these lyrics since I was 11 and had gotten my first blue notebook as a birthday gift._

_I had my eyes glued to her face as she read my words. Her expression didn't change until she got to the songs I had written in the last few months, then her eyes widened and a mess of conflicting emotions raced across her face. She silently finished reading and then lay the book down._

"_Wow Spence," She murmured softly, reaching out to take my hand in hers. I smiled hesitantly and looked down to where she was playing with my fingers. Ashley squeezed my hand and said, "I especially love the lyrics you were writing when I arrived, maybe I could help you come up with the melody? I mean if you don't mind me butting in, shit I mean I am so intruding on something that is all you. I'm sorry Spence."_

_I giggled and cut in, "You're rambling Ash. I'd actually love to work on this song with you."_

_Ashley beamed and released my hand to pull my guitar into her lap. She strummed it and then grimaced at the sound it made. She pulled a face at me and said, "Um do you ever actually tune this thing?"_

_I shrugged and she laughed, tuning the guitar effortlessly. It was like a habit to her, she didn't have to think about it at all. I smiled at her, making her look up at me with a matching grin._

"_So do you have a tune in mind or do you want me to just start playing and we'll see what we come up with?" Ashley asked as her fingers danced over the strings._

"_Can you just see what you come up with?" I asked as I opened my notebook up to the song we were going to work on. I had the strangest feeling of butterflies in my stomach and I couldn't help but feel hyperaware of everything Ashley was doing or saying. I felt nervous, which was ridiculous considering I was sitting next to my very best friend in the whole world. _

_Ashley nodded and started strumming some random notes, an intense look of concentration on her face. "So um can you tell me a bit about the lyrics? What's this song about?"_

_I swallowed hard and forced back the first response that came to mind, that the lyrics were about her, and said, "Well it's about hope I guess, kind of like hoping for something to change and not being sure that it will."_

_Ashley bit her lip and asked softly, "So did you write it about anyone in particular? Or is it kind of just an idea, or something."_

_I blushed hotly and stammered out, "I uh, well its sort of about someone, but I don't want to say who."_

_Ashley scooted closer to me on the bed and locked her eyes on mine, "Why not? You can tell me anything, you know that."_

_I looked down at my hand that were twisting my pen anxiously around in my fingers, "I just don't want to say yet. I'm not ready to say."_

_Ashley looked down at the guitar in her lap and sighed, "I hope one day soon you can tell me Spence, nothing you say will change how I feel about you. You know that right?"_

_I kept my eyes down and murmured, "This might."_

_Ashley reached up and tilted my face so that she could look into my eyes, "It won't."_

_I shrugged and gestured down at my notebook, "Let's work on the song."_

_Ashley let out a resigned sigh and we spent the next three hours working out the song until we were both happy with it. Ashley smiled at me and said, "So now do you want me to play it from the top and we'll sing it together?" I nodded and she began strumming. I moved the notebook between us and we both started to sing._

"_I'm tugging at my hair_

_I'm pulling at my clothes_

_I'm trying to keep my cool I know it shows_

_I'm staring at my feet_

_My cheeks are turning red_

_I'm searching for the words inside my head_

_Cause I'm feeling nervous_

_Trying to be so perfect_

_Because I know you're worth it, you're worth it_

_Yeah"_

_Ashley beamed at me and we launched into the first chorus._

"_If I could say what I want to say_

_I'd say I want to blow you away_

_Be with you every night_

_Am I squeezing you too tight?_

_If I could say what I want to see_

_I want to see you in love with me_

_Be with me always_

_Guess I'm wishing my life away_

_With these things I'll never say"_

_I looked at Ashley, a desperation to just admit she was who I was singing about came over me and I almost said something, but then she started singing the next verse and I lost my nerve._

"_It don't do me any good_

_It's just a waste of time_

_What use is it to you what's on my mind_

_If it ain't coming out_

_We're not going anywhere_

_So why can't I just tell you that I care?_

_Cause I'm feeling nervous_

_Trying to be so perfect_

_Because I know you're worth it, you're worth it_

_Yeah_

_If I could say what I want to say_

_I'd say I want to blow you away_

_Be with you every night_

_Am I squeezing you too tight?_

_If I could say what I want to see_

_I want to see you in love with me_

_Be with me always_

_Guess I'm wishing my life away_

_With these things I'll never say"_

_Ashley locked her eyes on mine as we sang, never taking them off me, and I swear on some level she got that this song was about her. I swear she did._

"_What's wrong with my tongue_

_These words keep slipping away_

_I stutter, I stumble_

_Like I've got nothing to say_

_Cause I'm feeling nervous_

_Trying to be so perfect_

_Because I know you're worth it, you're worth it_

_Yeah_

_Guess I'm wishing my life away _

_With these things I'll never say_

_If I could say what I want to say_

_I'd say I want to blow you away_

_Be with you every night_

_Am I squeezing you too tight?_

_If I could say what I want to see_

_I want to see you in love with me_

_Be with me always_

_Guess I'm wishing my life away_

_With these things I'll never say_

_These things I'll never say."_

_We stared at each other after the song was done and not for the first time I thought that maybe my confusion and feelings were shared. I leaned in, feeling a moment of courage for the first time in my young life, and quickly pressed my lips against hers._

_Ashley froze and I panicked. I jumped away from her and stood up next to my bed, anxiously wringing my hands. "I uh, I was, uh I was going for your cheek. So...sorry Ash."_

_Ashley looked at me with something that resembled disappointment and then shook her head. "Ok fine, it was nothing." She said the word nothing like it actually hurt her._

_I just assumed she was angry at me for doing what I did. I felt like an idiot._

_Ashley stood up and moved to the window to look out at the farm. With her back still to me she said, "One day we'll be totally honest with each other, but you aren't ready for that yet. Being really honest is a big deal and that kind of honesty can change and complicate things. When you're sure you're ready for all the things that come along with being that honest, well then I'll be here ready to listen."_

_With that Ashley turned around, walked over to me and wrapped me up in her arms. She kissed my cheek gently then left me standing in the middle of my bedroom, with my brain racing at a hundred million miles an hour._

_End Flashback_

I quickly jotted a few notes down in my book as I brought myself out of my memories of the past and then looked up when I felt eyes on me. I smiled at Allie who was gazing at me with a thoughtful look on her face.

"What's up kiddo?" I asked grinning at her.

"I was just thinking Mommy," Allie said, abandoning her colouring in to climb up onto my knee.

I put my notebook down and wrapped my arms around her, "Thinking about what Sweetie?"

Allie frowned and murmured, "What happened to make Momma get so sick she had to go away?"

I bit my lip before responding carefully, I mean how the hell was I supposed to explain drug addiction to a four year old?! I could lie to her, but I didn't want to do that. "Momma got really sad and didn't know how to cope anymore so she took some medicine, which she didn't get from a doctor, and it made her sick."

Allie looked at me confused, "But doesn't medicine make you better?"

"Some medicines do, but there are some medicines that are really, really bad for you. These medicines you don't get from the doctor or the drug store. These ones come from bad people. These medicines make people do silly things and make them very sick. Your Momma took those medicines because she didn't want to be sad," I tried to explain. I hadn't expected to have this conversation until Allie was somewhat older...like a teenager maybe.

Allie gazed up at me and said with a frown, "But why was Momma sad? And why did she take medicine that made her sick?"

"Well she took the medicine because at first she thought it made her feel better, less sad. It didn't though, it just made Momma think she felt better, it made her forget what made her sad for a little while. That's why she kept taking the medicine Allie, because after a little while she started to remember and feel sad again." I paused for a moment and then smiled sadly, "As to what made your Momma sad, well it was Aunty Kyla."

Allie nodded and bit her lip, a habit she had gotten from me, "Can we go see Aunty Kyla Mommy?"

I kissed the crown of her head and murmured, "Of course we can Sweetheart, why don't you go put your shoes on and we can head off?"

Allie kissed my cheek and hopped off my lap to race out of the room. I slid my own shoes on and grabbed my purse, phone and car keys just in time to see Allie race back into the room with her shoes on. "Ok kiddo, let's go see Aunty Kyla," I said with a smile for my little girl. Allie nodded, her brunette curls bouncing around her shoulders just like Ashley's used to when she was Allie's age.

I helped her pull on her jacket and we stepped outside. I locked the front door and took Allie's little hand in mine as we walked out to the car. I got her secured in her seat and then climbed in behind the wheel. "Would you like to watch Monster's Inc or Shrek Sweetie?" I asked as I opened the in car DVD player.

Allie got this adorable look of concentration on her face and then said resolutely, "Shrek Mommy, I wanna watch Shrek!"

I chuckled and said, "Ok and what do we say?"

Allie blushed and smiled guiltily, "Please Mommy?"

I grinned at my little girl and put the Shrek DVD into the player. Allie clapped her hands in delight as the familiar Shrek music started to play.

We drove for just over an hour, stopping to buy a bunch of flowers on the way, with the sounds of Allie's excited giggles filling the car and warming my heart. Finally we reached our turn off and then I drove through the high wrought iron gates surrounding the property. I drove up the road and came to a stop in front of the perfectly manicured grassy lawn and colourful flower beds.

"Ok Allie, time to go see Aunty Kyla," I said as I looked back at my little girl.

Allie looked out the window in surprise that we were already there, she did get very engrossed in her movie!

I climbed out of the car and went around to help Allie out of her seat. I scooped up the bunch of flowers on the backseat and handed them to Allie, "Here you go Sweetheart, I know you wanted to take them to Aunty Kyla."

Allie beamed and sniffed the colourful tulips and looked up at me, "These are my most favouritest flowers Mommy! They are so pretty," Allie said happily.

I smiled softly at her and said, "I know my beautiful girl, they are Aunty Kyla's too."

I took Allie's hand in mine as we strode along the beautifully maintained lawn. We passed under the tall trees and past the flower beds, just like we did about once a month, until we reached Kyla.

Allie looked up at me expectantly and I smiled lovingly down at her while I lowered myself to my knees and read the words out loud, just as I always did, "Kyla Anne Davies, Beloved by all who knew her. Taken too soon, but never forgotten."

I traced the words engraved on the smooth granite headstone with my fingers. Even after all these years I still felt this overwhelming sense of loss sitting there in front of that grave. God I missed Kyla so much and even the passing of the years couldn't lessen that. In losing her I not only lost my sister in law, I also lost one of my best friends and surrogate little sister.

I felt a single tear make its way down my cheek, only to be gently wiped away by the clumsy hands of my daughter. I looked over at Allie and smiled sadly, "I'm sorry my darling, I just miss Aunty Kyla a lot."

Allie looked thoughtfully at me and said sadly, "Mommy can I miss Aunty Kyla too, even if I didn't know her?"

I pulled Allie into my arms and placed a kiss on top of her messy chocolate brown curls, "Of course you can Sweetheart, you can definitely miss your Aunty Kyla. She would have loved to have known you, I think the two of you would have really had the best time together."

Allie nodded, "Aunty Kyla is my Momma's sister?"

I sighed, "Yes Aunty Kyla is your Momma's sister."

We sat snuggled up together next to the gravestone for a few minutes and then Allie scooted forward and placed the tulips into the water vase Anne had left there. Anne came to Kyla's grave once a week, she always made sure it looked well cared for and colourful. I think it was her way of looking after her daughter even after she was gone.

We stayed for a little longer, with Allie talking to Kyla and telling her all about her life since we last came to visit.

"So my Momma is at the farm now Aunty Kyla and she is going to get better so she can be my Momma for real. Gramma and Gramps are helping her so she is going to be ok. I got to see her yesterday and she told me a story about you and her and Mommy, it was a nice story. I know Momma misses you and so does Mommy and I even do," Allie paused and frowned before saying softly, "Mommy said you are an angel up in heaven and are looking after me, but for a while could you look after my Momma so she can get better? I really want her to get better so we can be a family. I want Mommy to stop being sad."

I felt a few more tears slide down my cheeks, I was constantly being blown away by how kind, compassionate and sweet my little girl could be.

I kissed Allie on the top of her head and stood up, offering her my hand. Allie grasped my hand in hers and said, "Bye Aunty Kyla, we'll come and visit you soon and maybe even bring Momma!"

I sighed sadly and rested my hand on the headstone as I sent up my own little prayer, the same one each time we visited, asking Kyla to look after Allie and Ashley.

With one last look at the grave Allie and I strode to the car and started heading home.

_**Song used in this chapter is a modified version of Things I'll Never say by Avril Lavigne**_


	12. Chapter 12

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**Angels on the Moon**

Chapter Twelve

After going to see Kyla's grave I felt it was long since time Allie and I went to visit Anne, Raife and the family. They lived only about twenty minutes from the farm and when Ashley and I were younger, right up until Kyla's death, we had been regular visitors to the Davies family home. Even when Allie was younger I had gone a lot, Ashley had refused to accompany me.

It wasn't until Ashley left us that the visits decreased until about a year ago when they stopped entirely. I think it was too painful for me to be around them while Ashley and I were estranged. It was ridiculous in hindsight, what happened with Ashley and I wasn't Anne or Raife's fault and yet I let them all but disappear from our lives.

Poor Anne had really struggled over the past four years. She lost Kyla and pretty much also lost Ashley in the aftermath. She was still working as an elementary school teacher and spent a lot of time taking care of her family, I think it helped her to do something positive with her life.

I know Raife had spent most of the last three years acting as Ashley's manager while she tried to still maintain a career in the public eye while high as a fucking kite. He had fired her manager when he had caught on to the fact that she was the one sourcing drugs for Ashley since Kyla's death. I hated that bitch manager so much I could scream.

Raife had all but ended his own career in order to try and save his way too stubborn daughter from her demons. He told me at the time that he thought by being around it would make it harder for Ashley to get high, all it did was make her more inventive about how and where she did it.

I think he also thought that if he was with her all the time then they could help each other get over losing Kyla. Unfortunately it did not work out that way.

Instead, what had happened was Ashley building pretty much impenetrable walls around herself and pulling away from anyone and anything that reminded her of Kyla and what had happened. That included Allie and I.

As a result Ashley and I stopped connecting, she never got to know her daughter, she removed herself from the family and shut me out of her career.

Now Ashley had an amazing career as, well I guess you'd call her a rock star. She and I were a package deal however, I wrote the lyrics, we wrote the music and she sang the songs. That is how it had always worked. By the time Allie was born Ashley had released 4 albums, I had written or co-written all but a handful of songs which had all been written by Ashley, about me.

Ashley and my careers had been totally intertwined until Allie was born. I mean I was still writing songs for other artists, not to brag but quite a few very famous songs out there over the last decade and a bit have been written by me. However, most of my work was done with Ashley.

Once Allie was born and we lost Kyla, Ashley pulled away from me not only personally, but also professionally. She has released 1 album in the last four years and it was not nearly as well received as her previous ones. Now I am not saying that is because I wasn't involved, I'm saying it was because her heart wasn't in it and…well not to sound catty…but she did use substandard, disposable pop song writers.

The album sales were appalling and the critics ripped her apart. It really made me sad. Ashley was so full of talent and music had always meant so much to her, so it hurt to see her destroy it.

Since then she had been doing the party scene, getting paid for appearances at openings and events and had refused to perform in public. There had been an incident involving the first and only public appearance since the fifth album was released. It was a doozy! In fact that whole day had been an epic shit storm of badness.

_Flashback_

_I rocked our overtired 15 month old in my arms and kept my eyes on the television. Tonight was Ashley's first public appearance to promote her fifth album which had been launched the day before. It was unusual that she hadn't done the promo stuff before the album as well, but she was so messed up these days I thought it was a miracle she'd been able to function well enough to get anything recorded. _

_Raife had been telling me about the far too many times they had wasted very expensive time in the studio because Ashley had turned up high, or not turned up at all. God it had been so long since I had seen my wife sober. _

_I wandered up stairs and put a now sleeping Allie into her cot. I flicked on the baby monitor and headed back out of the room as quietly as possible. Allie had not slept at all that day and as a result had been almost too tired to get to sleep. Ashley had turned up this morning, after a two day unexplained absence, all euphoric and wanting to spend time with our daughter. _

_I was reluctant, nothing in her demeanour or behaviour instilled me with any confidence in leaving her alone with our baby, so I opted to do errands around the house so I could watch them. _

_What I hadn't counted on was Ashley sneaking out with Allie and taking her for a drive while I wasn't looking. _

_I had been out of the room for 5 minutes at the absolute most and when I had come back in and found that they were gone. I'd searched the house and then noticed Ashley's car wasn't in the driveway. I called everyone I knew in about 3 minutes flat and soon had everyone out looking for my daughter and wife. I felt sick and terrified. I would never have forgiven myself if something had happened to Allie because I had been stupid enough to leave her with Ashley._

_Finally at about 4pm Ashley had wandered back in as if nothing was wrong and said to me in a monotone, "Your daughter is out there fucking screaming her guts out in my car, can you deal with that shit please."_

_I had shoved past Ashley and bolted to her SUV where I found my hysterical toddler incorrectly strapped into her car seat. At least Ashley put her in a car seat this time. _

_I undid the straps and bundled my baby in my arms, making soothing noises as I carried her inside. I rushed to the nursery and changed her diaper, which clearly hadn't been done since I'd done it that morning. I bathed her, put her in a fresh set of clothes and took her to the kitchen. I sent a mass text to all and sundry telling them Allie was home safely._

_I gave my very thirsty daughter a bottle of cool water and made her a snack, which she devoured in seconds. I had to assume Ashley hadn't though to feed Allie or give her anything to drink. In her drugged state it wouldn't have even crossed her mind. _

_After Allie finished her snack I scooped her up in my arms and deposited her in her cot hoping she would nap, something I doubt she had been able to do all day. I then went looking for my wife. _

_I found Ashley sitting in her music room preparing lines of what I knew to be cocaine. I stormed in and hit the mirror she had the drugs on. I sent it flying, spilling the powder into the carpet._

_Ashley turned on me, roaring with anger, "What the fuck is your problem Spencer? That was fucking expensive!"_

_I glared hotly at her and snarled, "I don't give a shit Ashley, I don't care about your fucking drugs. What I care about is my hysterical daughter who you let sit in a filthy diaper all day, who you didn't feed or give anything to drink to. What I care about is the fact that you took my daughter out of this house without telling me and stayed away all day. I care about the fact that I had to spend today feeling sick with worry about both of you!"_

_Ashley scoffed, "You are overreacting Spencer, just like you always do! Relax would you?!"_

_I scowled, "Oh I think you 'relax' enough for the both of us."_

_Ashley rolled her eyes and lounged along the leather sofa, "Well excuse me for enjoying myself! Maybe if you pulled that fucking stick out of your ass you'd be a lot happier."_

_I shook my head and laughed sardonically, "Enjoying yourself? Who are you trying to kid Ashley? You're not enjoying yourself, you're numbing yourself so you don't have to deal with Kyla's death! It's been over a year and it's time to move on!"_

_Ashley sprung up from the sofa and slapped me hard across the face. I felt my head whip back and locked my jaw to keep from crying. I had cried way too many times over the last 15 months, Ashley moved so that she was inches from me and spat out through gritted teeth, "Don't you ever say that name to me again!"_

_I pushed her back out of my personal space and said softly, "When are you going to let it go Ash? When are you going to stop destroying yourself? Kyla died and it was fucking soul crushing. I will be sad for the rest of my life because Kyla is gone, but she wouldn't want this for you! She wouldn't want you to poison yourself, she wouldn't want you to push everyone away and she wouldn't want you to treat Allie and I like this."_

_Ashley stared furiously at me and walked over to her bag. She pulled out a couple of pills and held them up so I could see them before putting them in her mouth and swallowing them dry. I closed my eyes against the cruel smirk that found its way across her lips and kept them closed even when I felt her moved close to me._

_I felt her breath on my face as she whispered hatefully, "You don't know anything."_

_I felt the air change as she moved away from me and out of the room. As soon as she was gone I cried. I sobbed until I heard the sound of Allie crying through the baby monitor. I collected myself and walked quickly to my daughter's room._

_So that had been the day. It was up there as a bad one, but not nearly the worst. It was what I'd call and angry day, we also had tearful days, regretfully days, vengeful days, silly days, promiscuous days and the list goes on. Every day with Ashley since Kyla had died was a varying shade of shit. I couldn't think of one day that hadn't been painful in some way. I would give everything I had if it meant we could have Kyla back so our lives could be wonderful and whole again._

_Once I left Allie in her room I headed back to the living room to catch Ashley's appearance on Ellen. Being a very famous lesbian, all of Ashley's album promo tours had included a stint on the Ellen DeGeneres Show._

_I settled on the sofa and hoped that she would be able to hold it together enough to get through the interview and performance. _

_I stared at the TV in a daze until Ashley was announced and then my attention was focused on the screen. Ashley stumbled out across the stage, a scowl on her face as she threw herself down in the seat without greeting Ellen. Ellen sat down and tried to engage Ashley in conversation. It was a disaster._

"_So Ashley welcome back, it's always good to have you on the show," Ellen said._

_Ashley forced a fake smile and said emotionlessly, "Sure."_

_Ellen tried again, "So I think each time we've had you here it has been to promote your latest album! This time is no different given that your fifth album, aptly called '5', was released yesterday. Can you tell us a bit about the album?"_

_Ashley sighed and slumped down in her seat, "Well not much to say, it's got songs on it and music. It's different to my old stuff." She shrugged and then said, "It's a different sound because we used a different song writer."_

_I rolled my eyes at that, the so called song writers they'd used were a couple of no talent bimbos who could barely spell their own names. They had written the most revolting, disposable songs I had ever heard. _

_Part of your job as a song writer was to create a connection. The song had to connect to the singer or band and it had to connect to the audience. The skanks who had written Ashley's latest album had epically failed at that. _

_I also had to roll my eyes at Ashley's obvious dig at me. _

_Ellen smiled and asked, "I thought you and the lovely Spencer always worked together on your songs? Why not this time?"_

_Ashley frowned and said moodily, "Because I wanted to try something different."_

_The interview dragged on for another few agonising minutes in which Ashley answered only every second question, usually in one word. Then it was time for her to perform the first single off the album._

_Ellen introduced her and Ashley ambled unsteadily across the stage to stumble to a stop in front of the microphone. She swayed as the band started to play the annoying opening riff to her latest single. It was so not an Ashley Davies sounding song!_

_Ashley missed her cue to start singing so the band had to play through again. This time she was only half a minute out so the band had to adjust a bit to match her. Ashley stood swaying at the microphone, her mouth in a frown and her eyes unfocused. She sang in an emotionless, almost tuneless voice, seeming to forget half the words and just mumbling nonsense when that happened. It was actually painful it was so bad._

_Finally a woman in the audience shouted out, "We didn't travel all this way to see this shit performance! What the hell are you doing?!"_

_Ashley stopped mid verse and threw her microphone to the ground with a loud band. She strode forward shouting obscenities at the audience who were now all on their feet shouting and booing her. Ashley went to rush off the stage into the crowd only to be grabbed by a huge security guard who threw her over his shoulder and strode off the set. _

_After that the show, unsurprisingly, went to commercial._

_End Flashback_

So after that no one would book Ashley on their show and her popularity with her fans plummeted. The only paid jobs she could get were appearances at clubs and events. People knew she would attract the paparazzi so she was good for PR.

I parked the pickup truck in front of the large, homey looking two storey house the Davies family had lived in as long as I'd known them. Apparently Raife and Ashley's Mom, Christine, had lived in a huge mansion, but Anne had preferred the simpler, more family oriented home they had lived in for the last 31 years.

I climbed out of the car and helped Allie out of her seat. I held her hand and led her up the path to the house. She was bouncing excitedly next to me, so keen to see her Poppy and Nanna again. We walked up to the door, but before I could ring the bell the door was thrown open and Anne had both Allie and I in a fierce hug.

Within seconds Anne and I were sobbing and apologising for staying away so long. Raife and Allie, who had escaped our hug once the tears had started, were just standing by waiting for us to get it all out of our systems.

After about five minutes we were composed enough to head inside. We went into the comfortable living room and settled on the plush sofas with Anne sandwiched between Allie and I.

I took the older woman's hand and said sadly, "I am so sorry we have stayed away so long. I should have called and visited more."

Anne brought my hand up and kissed it in a motherly way before saying in her soft, gentle voice, "Spencer we should have come to see _you_. You were going through so much, looking after Allie all by yourself and having to let Ashley go like that. It all just breaks my heart."

I smiled sadly and rested my head against her shoulder. Raife wandered over and scooped Allie up in his arms, "Alright, me and little pumpkin here are going to go see if we can find her a friend to play with and then we'll see what we can do about lunch while you ladies catch up for a while."

We both flashed him a grateful smile and chuckled as Allie let out and excited squeal and flung her arms around her Poppy's neck. I watched them walk out of the room together and turned back to Anne as she said, "We both missed you girls you know. Every day that went by we thought of you and Allie and felt terrible that we weren't there for you."

I sighed and said, "You both had a lot to deal with."

Anne shook her head, "That's not good enough. Yes it has been a really difficult four years, but you are our family and we should have been there for you."

I gave her hand a squeeze and murmured, "and I should have been there for you and the family."

Anne kissed my forehead and we sat in silence for a little while. I took a deep breath and asked gently, "So how are they?"

Anne sighed tiredly and said, "Both doing really well actually."

I smiled and asked, "Are they still staying here?"

Anne shook her head and glanced over at a photo of the people in question, "Yes, it has been really hard for them since…since Kyla passed away."

I nodded in understanding, "I feel sick that I haven't been there for Aiden and Sam through all of this."

Anne gave me a comforting grin, "Aiden understands Spencer. He has gone through something very similar to what you have gone through."

I frowned and said with regret, "I think that is all the more reason why I should have been there for both of them."

A deep voice from the doorway said kindly, "I think you're being too hard on yourself Spence, I think you have done the best you could in a really difficult situation."

I looked up and felt my heart break as I looked into the sad green eyes of my brother in law. I was on my feet and in his arms in 3 seconds flat. "Aiden! Oh god it's good to see you. I'm so sorry for not visiting."

Aiden wrapped his muscular arms around me and swept me off my feet. I let out a little chuckle and stayed snuggled in his arms when he put me down, "Well you still give the best hugs!"

Anne and Aiden laughed and we all took a seat in the living room. Anne and I back on the sofa and Aiden in a plush armchair.

I went to speak, only to be silenced by Aiden holding up his hand, "I know you are going to apologise again Spencer and you shouldn't. We are all guilty of not staying in touch, we have all had a lot on our plates. Instead of rehashing the past and what we maybe should have done differently how about we move on and promise to do better? That goes both ways just for the record."

I looked into his kind eyes and nodded, "Ok deal. So how are you and how is Sam?"

Aiden's smile grew to brilliant proportions as he thought of his son, "Sammy is great. He turned 8 a few weeks ago, thanks for the card and gift, and is going really well with his therapy. He is even walking quite well which we weren't sure he'd be able to do."

Sam had been born with cerebral palsy when Kyla and Aiden were 20. The pregnancy had been a big shock to the family, but Sammy was beyond loved from the day he was born. Kyla had been an amazing Mom and it had been really hard for Aiden since we had lost her.

I smiled at the tall, dark haired man and said, "I am so happy to hear that. How about you Aiden, how are you?"

He ran his hand through his short hair and shrugged, "I'm alright Spencer, every day gets little bit easier. I love my work and am so grateful that I decided to pursue it. If it hadn't been for Sammy I would probably be doing something I hate instead of helping kids by doing paediatric physical therapy."

Kyla and Aiden had been at college when Kyla got pregnant (I actually feared for Aiden's life then, both Ashley and Raife were out for his blood when they found out). I mean it wasn't like a one night stand gone wrong, Aiden and Kyla had been best friend since elementary school and had started dating in high school when they were both 16. They were together until Kyla's death. They were so I love it was beautiful and heartbreaking to see.

I think the shock was just how young they were (even though at the time they were having Sam Ashley and I were 22 years old and getting married, an age most people said was too young). It took Ashley longer than anyone to really come to terms with the pregnancy, I think she wanted to keep up the illusion that her baby sister had never had sex. She never liked to think of Kyla as growing up, Ashley wanted her to stay her baby sister forever.

Anyway once Sam was born and they found out he had cerebral palsy, Kyla dropped out of college to look after him. She ended up doing some freelance writing for different magazines once Sam was about 1. Aiden had been studying business but when Sam was born he quickly changed his study to paediatric physical therapy. He was so determined to be the best Dad he could be that he changed his entire career plan. I think that was when Raife forgave him for impregnating his youngest daughter.

Aiden and Kyla had built an amazing life together and done an incredible job of raising Sam. It had been so devastating to see the desolation their family went through when Kyla died.

Aiden was an amazing guy though and he had picked himself back up and been the most incredible father to Sam. They had moved in with Raife and Anne so that Sam would get all the support he needed.

Aiden smiled at me and asked, "So how is Allie doing?"

I beamed, "she's great. She has got to be the smartest 4 year old in the world and already has me on my toes. She starts elementary school next year, which is probably going to reduce me to a sobbing mess when I have to drop her off," I paused and added softly, "She grows more like Ashley every day. It amazes me how a child who isn't biologically related to Ashley can be so like her in looks and personality."

Aiden chuckled and said, "ah a mini Ashley huh? Wow are you going to have your hands full!"

Anne and I laughed and I nodded, "Oh I know."

Aiden and Anne exchanged a look and I instantly knew what question was coming next. Aiden scooted forward on his seat and asked, "So how is Ashley doing?"

I heard movement in the doorway and looked up to find Raife there, just as eager to find out as the rest of them. I cleared my throat and said, "Well she hasn't used at all since being on the farm and she has started to engage a little bit. Um she actually found Allie two days ago when our little girl got upset with me and disappeared from the cottage," I paused at the noises of concern and smiled tiredly, "It's all ok now and a very long story. The point is Ashley actually went searching for Allie when she heard she was missing, found her, opened up and spoke to her and then brought her home safely. I cannot even begin to describe how it felt to see Ashley carrying our girl home."

Anne patted my hand as I started to get teared up. It had been a very emotional day!

Raife moved into the room and asked quietly, "So she has responded a bit then?"

I sighed and replied, "Not a lot. I will admit I went to see her a few days ago and without intending to I let her have it a bit. She had some response to that, which was encouraging. Then she engaged with Dad a little the day Allie went missing, but the person she has opened up to most is Allie," I paused to run my hand through my hair, "If I wasn't so scared of Allie getting hurt I would encourage them to spend time together if it meant Ashley getting better. I just can't though, maybe after a little while, but not yet."

Raife nodded his understanding and went to speak, but was cut off by the entrance of two very excited children. A dark haired 8 year old boy headed straight for me on his crutches with a beaming smile.

"Aunty Spencer!" Sam called as he made his way over to me. It was amazing to see him on his feet, the last time I'd seen him he was using a wheelchair a lot of the time.

"Hi Sammy, gosh it's good to see you!" I said, getting to my feet and wrapping him in a hug.

Allie was holding Raife's hand and he grinned as she started dragging him towards the kitchen. He laughed and informed us, "Apparently the oven timer has gone off and therefore lunch is now ready. Everyone into the kitchen!"

We got to our feet and went to enjoy a meal together for the first time in a year, as a family.


	13. Chapter 13

Wow thank you to all readers and reviewers, you blow me away!

Thank you to waterproof88, Annais81, Dominomino, Godlove, Born2Try, taymm15, scrux2, FFReviews, Harley Quinn Davidson, Dimpledream88, Ohsoclever1, vts, anonymous, Breakdown6, Bluebell28, sarahlynn00, sonfanatic, AbInitio, jab1993, Dav7788 and Walking on Clouds.

**Angels on the Moon**

Chapter Thirteen

I woke up and padded down to the kitchen to get my morning coffee. Mornings at home (when I was able to get up early enough) were always very peaceful for me. Allie would still be asleep and it would just be me collecting myself before the day started. It was my time to prepare for my day and really some of the only time I had completely to myself.

I poured my coffee and took a seat at the counter, looking out the window to our little garden. Seeing Aiden, Sam, Anne and Raife the day before had been great, I hadn't realised how much I had missed them. Sam and Allie had gotten along like a house on fire, he was completely besotted with his little cousin and she was in awe of him. They had both spent hours playing with the instruments in Raife's music room with their Poppy while Anne, Aiden and I had caught up.

When we left there had been a few more tears and promises that we would all see each other again soon. I fully intended to keep those promises.

Today I just wanted a quiet day at home. The last week and a bit (9 days if you're counting) had been one giant emotional rollercoaster, which I was fairly certain would get crazier before it got better. Gosh it had all been so intense. Although with that said a lot of my relationship with Ashley had been intense, just intense in a good way for the majority of it.

Our relationship had been wonderful and burning with intensity right up until we lost Kyla. We were that couple who couldn't get enough of each other. We had always been touching or just aware of each other. Every moment was so full of love and passion that even the simplest of things took on new meanings.

What we had was the most amazing and beautiful love I had ever known. I knew in my heart I would never be able to love someone else the way I love Ashley Davies.

Thinking about all that brought me back to another intense moment in our lives. A moment that was a beginning as much as anything. We had both turned 16 (Ashley three months before and me only the month before) and were really figuring out who we were…

_Flashback_

_I nudged my big black gelding, Dodge, into a rocking canter and smiled as the wind whipped my hair back from my face. I sat tall in the saddle and let the big horse beneath me have his head as we swept along the trail at the edge of the forest on my family's farm. _

_I loved being out riding my horses, it made me feel free and 100% at peace. It was made all the more special by the fact that I could share it with the people I loved the most. I looked back and grinned at Kyla as she cantered on Bonnie behind us. The pony had to work hard to keep up with Dodge's much longer strides._

_We slowed to a trot and came to a stop at the edge of the trail, where it headed back towards the barn. Kyla suddenly pointed and said, "Hey look its Mom and Ashley!"_

_I looked over and saw Anne's sedan pulling up in front of the house. A few seconds later Anne and Ashley climbed out and started walking towards the barn where my Mom had just emerged from. Ashley looked up at the trails and waved frantically when she saw us. I smirked at Kyla and asked, "So race you?"_

_Kyla shrugged and said, "You're on!" She urged Bonnie into a fast canter before I was even aware of what was going on. I laughed loudly and took off after her, my competitive nature rising to the surface. _

_Ashley started clapping and cheering us on as we came barrelling down the trail towards her and our mothers, who looked like they were trying not to laugh or yell. With my Mom it was hard to tell sometimes._

_Dodge and I quickly overtook Kyla and Bonnie and cantered into the yard several lengths ahead of them. Mom and Anne looked over disapprovingly, but with amusement, before turning around and heading towards the house. I swung down off Dodge's broad back and beamed at Ashley. She shook her head, acting all protective big sister, and said, "You couldn't just let Kyla win could you?"_

_Kyla came to a halt behind us and slid off Bonnie with a chuckle. I rolled my eyes and flashed them both a huge grin, "Why would I let her win? Where would the fun be in that?"_

_Kyla wandered over with Bonnie and wrapped her arm around my waist as she leaned into me. She smiled and said, "I'd never want you to let me win anyway Spence, that way when I do finally beat you it will be for real!"_

_I looked over at Ashley and shrugged, "You heard the little lady, that is why I don't let her win."_

_Ashley smiled her nose-crinkling smile at me and I immediately noticed a difference, "Your braces are gone!" I exclaimed._

_Ashley and Kyla both laughed and Ashley said, "No shit Spencer, don't you remember me telling you that yesterday? That's why I couldn't come here straight after school. Mom had to take me to get them off."_

_I blushed guiltily, I had totally missed her telling me that. It might have been because yesterday we spent the day at our school swimming carnival and all I could focus on was my best friend in a bikini. To be fair it was the first time I had ever seen her in a bikini and it had sent my hormones into complete overdrive. _

_In the past few months my feelings for Ashley had grown to a point where they refused to be ignored. I was in love with her, totally and completely. I was also about 90% certain she felt the same way about me. The only step left was for me to grow a pair and actually tell her._

_I knew I had to be the one to tell her. Ashley had all but said that to me a few months before when we had written our first song together in my bedroom. I remember feeling so scared to expose my private thoughts and feelings to her, but really I should never have been. She understood me and got that I needed to figure this out in my own time. She wasn't pushing me, just reminding me from time to time that she was there and would be ready when I was. _

_I remembered what she said to me that day so clearly, 'One day we'll be totally honest with each other, but you aren't ready for that yet. Being really honest is a big deal and that kind of honesty can change and complicate things. When you're sure you're ready for all the things that come along with being that honest, well then I'll be here ready to listen.'_

_I had replayed those words over and over in my head just waiting until I felt ready. The problem was that I kept waiting to feel ready and that feeling never came. It made me start to think that maybe I wasn't ever going to feel ready and the only way to know if I was would be to just make a move._

_I beamed at Ashley and said softly, "You look great, beautiful."_

_Ashley blushed and smiled shyly at me. Kyla rolled her eyes and grabbed Bonnie and Dodge, "Ok you two need to go have a 'moment' while I look after these guys," I went to argue only to be cut off, "no arguments Spence, just go ok?"_

_Kyla winked at me and led the two horses towards the barn. I looked shyly up at Ashley and held out my hand to her. Ashley bit her lip and took my hand in hers, entwining our fingers. I led her up the trail and towards our spot on the hill. We didn't talk, just walked, and after a few minutes we reached our clearing. I released her hand and wandered over to my favourite spot underneath the biggest tree. The trunk had a big dip in it so when you sat against it you were cradled like sitting in a comfy chair. Ashley sat down next to me, her side pressed against mine so she could share the dip in the trunk. From this spot you could see the entire farm. I loved it here._

_I felt Ashley slid her hand into mine and smiled as I gave it a gentle squeeze. I sighed in contentment and rested my head back against the tree trunk._

_Ashley copied my action and said, "So what are we doing here Spence?"_

_I took a deep breath and turned to face her. I took both her hands in mine and bit my lip nervously. This was it. It was time, ready or not here I come…out._

_I locked my eyes on her expressive chocolate brown ones and murmured, "I think deep down you know what I want to say, but I'm gonna say it out loud anyway because I think we both need to hear me say it." I took another deep breath and continued, "You told me that one day I would be ready to be totally honest with you and I'm not even sure that I am ready, but I don't want to wait any longer to find out."_

_I smiled shakily at her and rubbed the smooth skin of her hands with my thumbs. Ashley smiled encouragingly at me, her eyes willing me to keep going. I swallowed around the lump in my throat and whispered almost inaudibly, "Ashley, I…I like girls."_

_Ashley flashed a grin that said 'finally' but then became more intimate. She scooted even closer, pulling our joined hands up until they were resting against her heart. She bit her lip and said softly, "Me too."_

_I burst out laughing and Ashley looked at me in an expression that was a mixture of questioning and insulted. I quickly said, "No, I'm not laughing at you I promise. I'm laughing because I can't believe how scared I was to say that and now I have, and you have and it wasn't scary at all!"_

_Ashley rolled her eyes and grinned, "You're a spaz Spence."_

_I smiled goofily at her and said, "But I'm your spaz right?"_

_Ashley's expression turned serious and she said, "Always, if you want to be."_

_I tilted my head and asked softly," What are you saying Ash?"_

_She smiled and leaned in a little closer to me, "I think you know Spence."_

_I nodded, "Ok so I think I do to, but this time _I_ need _you_ to say it."_

_Ashley leaned in even closer and said in a soft voice, "I like you Spencer and I want to be with you. I have felt like this for as long as I can remember, since we were 5 years old and I realised that I would rather be with you than anyone else. I want to go on a date with you and I want to kiss you and call you my girlfriend. So will you be my spaz?"_

_I laughed and nodded my head enthusiastically, "I want to be your spaz. I feel the same as you, I want all of that too Ash. So, uh…what now?"_

_Ashley leaned in until there was a hairs breath between our lips and whispered, "Now this." She closed the gap between our lips and kissed me. It was slow and gentle, sweet and tender. It was amazing. It was well worth the wait._

_End Flashback_

I was shaken out of my thoughts by the sound of Allie wandering down the hallway from her bedroom. I smiled to myself and put down my now empty cup of coffee before getting up to greet my girl. Allie wandered in, rubbing sleep from her big blue eyes and grinned sleepily at me.

"Good morning Sweetheart," I murmured, leaning down to give her a hug and a kiss.

Allie snuggled into my arms and mumbled, "Morning Mommy."

I lifted her in my arms and set her at the table, earning me a giggle. "So would you like some breakfast Sweetie?"

Allie nodded and said, "Yes please Mommy."

I smiled and headed into the kitchen to make us breakfast. "So did you have a good time with Poppy, Nanna, Uncle Aiden and Sammy yesterday?"

Allie's face lit up and she gushed, "Oh yes! Mommy it was the best day ever! Can we go see them again soon? And take Momma?!"

I sighed and said softly, "Sweetie we can go and see them all again very soon, but it might be a little while before your Momma is well enough to see them. When Momma is better you and I will take her to see everyone ok?"

Thankfully she was content with that and we were able to get through breakfast without her running away again.

Arthurs POV

I smiled at Ashley as she tentatively entered the kitchen and sat down at the table for breakfast. This had been happening each morning since our breakfast on the deck and it made me hopeful. Maybe seeing Allie and spending that time with her made a difference. Maybe the promise made to her daughter actually held some weight with Ashley.

"So coffee?" I asked holding out a mug.

Ashley almost smiled and mumbled, "Yes, thank you," as she took the hot mug from my hand.

I brought a basket of muffins and some fruit over to the table and took a seat across from her. Ashley bit her lip shyly and then placed a blueberry muffin and a spoonful of chopped up fruit onto her plate. I smiled my approval and filled my own plate up.

Ashley and I hadn't spoken much during our breakfasts, and if we did it was mostly me doing the talking, but the tension was slowly starting to disperse. It almost felt like maybe we could go back to how it used to be. But I was getting a head of myself, this was only the third morning she had actually eaten breakfast with me.

Paula didn't join us because as we were sitting down to breakfast she was going to bed. We were staggering our days so that one of us was always up and awake. You never knew when Ashley might need someone. It was taking its toll on both of us, but we weren't giving up until we had our Ashley back. I did miss spending time with my wife, kids and granddaughter though.

I smiled at Ashley as I took a sip of my own coffee and nearly spit it out when she asked in a very shy little voice, "How are Allie and Spencer doing?"

I coughed down my coffee and replied, "They're good Ashley. Both recovered from the runaway incident the other day. Thank you for going to find Allie by the way. I can't tell you what it meant to all of us, especially Spencer."

Ashley shrugged and mumbled, "It was nothing, I heard you and Paula talking and I just went on autopilot. I don't deserve anyone's thanks."

I sighed and said kindly, "That is just not true Ashley. You did a wonderful, selfless thing for Spencer, Allie and the rest of us and you _do_ deserve to be thanked for it. One day you are going to see that you deserve so much more than you think you do, that you deserve so much more than you have let yourself feel and experience these last four and bit years."

Ashley looked down at her hands which were tearing pieces off her blueberry muffin. I covered her hands with mine and said gently, "You deserve love and gratitude and forgiveness and compassion and kindness and joy. You are a good person Ashley Davies, I think you just forget that sometimes."

I watched as a single tear made its way down her cheek and gave her hands a squeeze before releasing them. I picked up a chunk of my own blueberry muffin and took a bite while she thought about what I'd said. I wouldn't push it any further for the moment, I wanted to let her mull it over for a while.

Ashley let out a deep breath and took a swallow of her coffee. She took a bite of her muffin and stared out the window. I let the silence settle over us, one thing I had learnt in my work was the benefit of silence. Sometimes just giving someone the space to just be and sit with their thoughts was of more use than talking at them.

After a few more minutes of silence Ashley reached for another muffin (it was a joy to see her eating regularly again, we may even get some weight on her bones) and settled back in her seat. She broke off a piece and sat it on her plate before saying quietly, "I'm not a good person Arthur, the majority of the time I was with Allie the other day all I could think about was getting high."

I nodded and asked, "Why did you want to get high Ashley?"

She sighed tiredly and muttered, "Because it's easier."

I took a final sip of coffee and asked, "Why is it easier to be high?"

Ashley thought for a moment before saying so softly I had to lean closer to hear it, "Because…because it's all I have known for the last 4 years. I don't know how to feel any more Arthur. I don't know how to feel good or bad without drugs or booze to numb it away. I don't know how to feel love for my girls without it tearing my heart to pieces. I don't know how to exist without being high."

I took her hand in mine and said gently, "It's going to take time and struggles and pain and determination, but you will learn to exist without drugs or alcohol. You can learn to feel again, I know it's hard to see it now, but you can do this. You can take control of this addiction and leave it behind you. People often underestimate the strength and determination it takes to kick an addiction. There is no quick fix, but if you let us we can help you."

Ashley nodded and looked down at our hands, "It's just so hard all the time. It's like I have all these thoughts and feelings and I can't deal with them. I just want them to go away. I want to be better, I do, but it is so damn hard."

I gave her hand a comforting squeeze, "If it was easy then addiction wouldn't be a problem. You shouldn't underestimate yourself though, you have done really well to have gotten to this point. I'm proud of you."

Ashley faintly smiled and then pulled her hand back. I let her go and watched as she brought her walls back up. We had made some real progress, but that was enough for her for now. Ashley picked up her muffin and got up from the table. She headed for the stairs and was soon gone from my sight.

I knew we had a long path a head of us, there were going to be good and bad days, but I had hope that we would get through it.

Ashley's POV

I stumbled upstairs and into my room. I shut the door quietly, so I didn't wake Paula, and settled myself into my chair by the window. I placed my blueberry muffin on the window sill and looked out over the paddocks. I felt my lips quirk into an almost smile as I watched a group of beautiful horses stand together in the shady part of the paddock. The Carlin's had always had beautiful horses.

I sighed and rested my head back against the seat, my brain ticking over. I was surprised at the things I had said to Arthur. It wasn't that they weren't true, they were, I just hadn't realised that was what I was thinking and feeling.

I didn't want to think or feel or any of it. I just wanted all this pain and confusion to stop. I wanted to take it all back and be like it had never happened. I wanted back everything that I had lost.

I shook my head violently and bit my lip until I tasted blood. I clenched my hands into tight fists and felt my body tremble. No I couldn't keep thinking about all this. I was going to go insane. I had to get out of my head. I needed something, anything to take me away from all this. God I needed something, some pills or powder. I needed anything that was going to make this stop, even if it was just for a little while.

I didn't want to feel this guilt and regret any more. I didn't want to hurt any more. I fucking hated this so much.

I started desperately running my eyes over everything on display in the room, looking for anything that would give me a moment's distraction and peace. I found it in the sight of a photo of Spencer and me when we were 16. We looked so innocently happy, which was something I hadn't felt in a fucking long time.

Back then it was just me and Spencer falling in love, being kids. We had our friends and siblings and we were all just figuring it out. We all had our lives ahead of us, none of us knew how things were going to turn out. None of us knew that we'd lose Ky and that I would lose myself.

I sighed and let my mind wander back to a happier time…

_Flashback_

_I brushed my hair and stared at myself in the mirror. I looked like I was going to be sick, that is how nervous I was. Tonight was going to be my first official date with Spencer. The first time we went out together in public as more than best friends. I was scared._

_I know it was stupid, I had hung out with Spencer before, but this felt different. I was scared that this night would go badly and then I would lose my friend and first crush. I mean what if I spilt my food all over her or said something really dumb? What if I wasn't dressed appropriately for our date? I mean what do you wear on a first date with your best friend?_

_I know, I know, I want this and have wanted it for the longest time, but that didn't change the fact that I was scared out of my mind. I just so wanted this night to go well!_

_We had decided not to tell our family and friends yet, we kind of wanted to see how it would go before we told the world. Coming out to each other was hard enough (but man did it feel good) and neither of us were quite ready to come out to everyone else just yet._

_I had insisted on planning this date, I wanted it to be perfect in every way. I had stressed for days on where to take her before deciding to keep it simple and just do something we would actually enjoy. _

_I sighed and tore myself away from the mirror, only to turn around and find Kyla standing behind me. I jumped like a foot in the air and gasped out, "Shit Ky! You scared the crap out of me! What are you doing here?"_

_Kyla smirked and moved to sit on my bed. I watched her shove the pile of clothes I had tried on in my attempts to find the perfect outfit onto the floor before she said with a giggle, "Why so nervous Ash? It's just Spencer?"_

_I bit my lip and folded my arms as I leaned against the wall, "I'm not nervous, I'm not. Why would I be nervous? I'm just hanging out with my best friend."_

_Kyla tilted her head to the side (a move she totally stole from Spencer) and fixed me with a look that said 'do you really expect me to believe that?' She smiled at me and said, "Look you and I both know that what is happening between you and Spencer is so much more than just best friends. You guys are like each other's other half. I don't think you can exist without each other. Spencer is the other piece of you and you can't be you without her, and vice versa. Ash you might not want to admit what is going on with you and Spencer, and I'm sure you have good reasons for that, but I'm your sister and I love you no matter what."_

_I stared in surprise at my little sister. She sure was insightful for a 14 year old! I looked down at my feet and whispered, "I'm gay Ky."_

_I looked up at the sound of laughter to find Kyla shaking her head, "Um yeah I knew that doofus. See you told me and the world didn't end. It's all ok. It's ok to love who you love and to be who you are. You're my big sister and I love you."_

_I opened my arms and she dove into me in a fierce hug. "I love you too Ky. Thank you."_

_Kyla shrugged and squeezed me tighter, "Nothing to thank me for, you'd be the same if it was me going through this."_

_I kissed the crown of her head in response and said in a soft voice, "I'm so nervous Ky."_

_She pulled back a little, holding tight to my hand, and stated, "So tonight is a date," I nodded and she continued, "Look there is nothing to be nervous about. Spencer is butt-crazy for you and you guys are going to be fine. Just don't try and force it, be yourselves, be Spashley and just enjoy being together. Don't put too much pressure on yourselves."_

_I chuckled, "Ok two things, one, Spashley? What the hell is Spashley? And two, how did you get so damn smart?"_

_Kyla gave me a little shove and grinned, "Well Spashley is kinda easy to figure out, it's you and Spencer's couple name! You know Spencer and Ashley together make Spashley!" I rolled my eyes and we both laughed._

"_Ok, but how about my second question, how did you get so smart?"_

_Kyla smirked and said cheekily, "Well one of the Davies sisters had to get some smarts!"_

_I went to smack her one on the arm, but she was already up and bolting out the door. I laughed and shook my head. My little sister was kinda awesome._

_I picked up my bag and was giving myself one last look over in the mirror when Kyla poked her head back in and said, "Tonight is going to be the best night ever Ash, I know it."_

_I flashed her a nervous grin and said sincerely, "Thanks kid sis."_

_Kyla beamed and replied, "Any time big sis!"_

_Way too soon after that I pulled up the driveway of the Carlin farm and parked Dad's SUV near the house. I wasn't allowed to get a car until I was 17, which sucked, but at least Dad was pretty generous with his car now that I had my permit._

_I climbed out of the car and walked quickly up to the house so I didn't lose my nerve. I went to knock then laughed at myself, I had NEVER knocked at the Carlin's. I pushed open the door and strode into the living room where I found Arthur, Paula, Glen, Clay and Spencer, who looked as nervous as I felt._

"_Hey Ash, how are you Sweetie?" Paula called when I walked in._

_I flashed her a smile and walked over to give her and Arthur hugs. They were parental unit number 2 to me, I loved the Carlins...even Glen most of the time. _

"_I'm good Paula, how are you?" I replied moving to sit next to Spencer, who moved closer to me once I was seated._

_Paula raised her eyebrow at that, but didn't say a word. Maybe she was on to us? I don't know._

"_So are you girls heading out tonight?" Arthur asked with a huge grin._

_I nodded and said, "Yeah, if that's ok. I have Dad's car and I thought we'd head out for a little while."_

_Arthur nodded and Paula said, "Of course girls, just be home by 11.30 at the latest ok? Ashley you're staying here tonight right?"_

_I swallowed hard and looked nervously at Spencer who looked like a deer in headlights. I always stayed at the Carlin's on Friday nights, but this was a different Friday night. Crawling into bed next to my best friend was one thing, but crawling into be next to the girl I was now dating was different._

"_Um...well...I guess so?" I looked to Spencer for confirmation and she just sat staring back at me unsurely._

_Paula smirked, "It's ok Ash, you are required to stay tonight! Saturday breakfast is just strange when you aren't here. Do it for the family ok?" _

_I nodded and cleared my throat, "Sure ok. Um well, we'd better head off. Home by 11.30, I promise."_

_Arthur smiled at Paula and said, "Sure girls, have fun."_

_Spencer and I said our goodbyes and bolted from the house. We held in our giggles until we were in the car and then lost it. Spencer clutched her side and gasped out, "Oh my god that was the weirdest thing ever! I had no idea what to say!"_

"_Me either! I wonder if they know?" I asked._

_Spencer stopped laughing and said in a small voice, "I'm not sure I'm ready for them to know yet."_

_I nodded and reached over to give her hand a squeeze, "Then they won't know. Let's get this date started!"_

_Spencer flashed me the most beautiful smile and I started the car. Time to go!_

_To be continued..._


	14. Chapter 14

I'm sorry for the delayed updating, I have started a new job and have been quite busy. I'll keep trying to post regularly.

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**Angels on the Moon**

Chapter Fourteen

Previously in Angles on the Moon:

_I nodded and reached over to give her hand a squeeze, "Then they won't know. Let's get this date started!"_

_Spencer flashed me the most beautiful smile and I started the car. Time to go!_

Ashley POV

_Flashback continued_

_I parked my Dad's car in front of the location for our date and Spencer turned to me with a look of confusion, "Um what's going on Ash?"_

_I gestured out the windscreen at the lit up carousel with the sleepy looking operator standing beside it and said with a grin, "That's our date!"_

_Spencer's face scrunched up into this adorable look of confusion as she said, "Um ok…really?"_

_I laughed and climbed out of the car. I skipped around to the passenger side and swung open the door for Spencer. She beamed at me and took my offered hand as she climbed out of the SUV. I gave her hand a squeeze and led her closer to the carousel. The attendant now looked a little livelier, he was probably bored waiting for us._

_I dragged Spencer over to him and said, "Hi Jim, this is Spencer. Thanks for opening up for us tonight."_

_Jim nodded with a smile and said, "Not a worry Ash, your Dad told me you wanted to do something nice for your best friend here."_

_I grinned, "Yeah I do. Spence, Jim used to be a roadie for my Dad until he had kids and then he settled in LA and opened this awesome little fun park."_

_Spencer smiled politely and Jim quickly showed me how to use the carousel controls._

"_Ok ladies, I'm going to go do some paper work in the office so you have this place to yourself for the next hour and then I've got to head home before the missus gets cranky with me," Jim said with a grin._

_We thanked him and he handed me a remote to control the ride before he headed off, leaving us alone with the carousel horses. Spencer turned to me with a look of confusion and asked, "Um how do you go from being a roadie to owning a carousel park?"_

_I burst out laughing and shrugged as I grabbed her hand and dragged her over to the nearest carousel horse. It was a glittering purple one with a pink mane and a blue saddle. I smirked at the gorgeous blonde and said, "your stead my lady."_

_Spencer giggled and climbed onto the horse. I scrambled onto the orange horse beside Spencer's and pushed the start button on the remote. The carousel came to life with lights flashing and cheerful music playing. Our horses started moving and I reached over to take Spencer's hand in mine. _

_Spencer smiled shyly and bit her lip, "So why a carousel?"_

_I grinned and gave her hand a squeeze, "Because I wanted to do something that would remind us of our friendship, but also something kind of unique to show you how important this, um this connection between us is."_

_Spencer smiled softly and asked, "This is certainly unique. I don't think anyone else has ever had a first date at a carousel before."_

_We rode the carousel for almost an hour, changing horses whenever we felt like it until we collapsed into a chariot and giggled madly. I turned to look at her and our eyes met. Suddenly I didn't feel like laughing anymore. I licked my dry lips and reached up to tuck some lose strands of blonde hair behind her ear. I trailed my fingers down her cheek until I reached her neck. I slid my hand into her hair and slowly brought our face together until our lips were just touching. We kissed softly and lazily, just enjoying the feel of each other's lips. _

_I pulled back and beamed at her, loving the way her blue eyes sparkled with happiness. I stood up and held out my hand for her to take. Spencer grasped it and climbed to her feet, following me off the carousel which I had turned off with the remote. I led her down to the picnic table next to the brightly lit carnival ride and opened up the picnic basket Jim had snuck out here a few minutes before. _

_I'm sure he wondered why I was doing all this for my 'best friend', I'd bet he had already sussed out that this was more than a friend thing. Luckily Jim was a good guy and wouldn't say a word about it until I told him myself._

_I opened the basket and pulled out a Styrofoam container, inside were four hot dogs with the lot. It was Spencer's favourite food of all. Spencer's eyes lit up and she leaned in to kiss me chastely on the cheek. _

_I grinned and pulled out my next surprise, grape soda which was Spencer's favourite drink. She clapped her hands excitedly and looked eagerly at me as I pulled out the last surprise, fresh baked brownies with ice cream!_

"_Oh my God Ash! This is awesome! How did you organise all this?" Spencer gushed as she lifted a hot dog from the Styrofoam container._

"_It was easy! Jim has all the food stalls here in the park so he put it all together for me and then snuck the basket out while we weren't looking. I just had to tell him what we wanted." I admitted with a shy smile._

_Spencer gave my hand a squeeze and mumbled with her mouth full, "I luff it! Fanks Ash!"_

_I laughed at her adorableness and started on my own hot dog. _

_We laughed and joked while we ate, it was just like we had always been but with an added layer of feelings. It was like I couldn't look at her the same way anymore. Now that I knew she was wholly and completely mine, now that I knew what her lips tasted like and how her body felt pressed up against me, it was like I saw her in a totally new light._

_It's a surreal thing when you start to see someone in that way. God she made me feel so alive!_

_After we had eaten and rode the carousel a little while longer we said out goodbyes to Jim and headed off to our final destination of the night. The drive was filled with the music of the radio and a comfortable silence. Spencer rested her hand on my thigh the whole way, her mouth turned up in a contented smile._

_I parked the car at our park and smiled over at her. Spencer grinned and we climbed out of the car to walk over to our spot under the willow tree. We snuggled up under the flowing branches and looked out over the moonlit park._

"_Do you remember that time we were here and those two women walked in? That was such a big moment for me Ash. It was like seeing proof that what I was feeling was ok and could be something really beautiful," Spencer murmured as she snuggled closer to me._

_I kissed the top of her head and said softly, "I know, it was like the universe was telling us it was ok to feel what we were feeling, that it wasn't wrong or disgusting. It was like a piece of the puzzle fell into place for me and I knew that no matter what we were going to be ok."_

_Spencer turned her head to look into my eyes before she kissed me tenderly. I smiled into the kiss and ran my hands through her silky blonde hair. We stayed like that for long time, just kissing softly and talking about random things. It was always so amazing to me how I could sit with Spencer for hours and really talk about nothing at all and still have it be the best time. _

_After a while we were both starting to shiver a bit so we decided it was time we headed back to the farm. The last thing I wanted was to miss curfew and to make Paula and Arthur not trust us. _

_On the drive home Spencer took my hand in hers and intertwined our fingers. She didn't let go until we were parked in front of the house._

_Spencer looked over at me and smiled tenderly, "I had the most amazing time tonight Ash. I can actually feel my face hurting because of how much I have laughed and smiled tonight. Thank you."_

_I grinned my nose-crinkling smile and replied, "No thank you. Thank you for being brave enough to tell me how you feel and thank you for letting me be the one you experience all this with. I can't even tell you how much that means to me Spence."_

_She flashed me a shy smile and glanced up at the house before leaning in and kissing me sweetly on the lips. I smiled into the kiss and tangled my fingers into her soft blonde hair. _

_We reluctantly broke apart and smiled sweetly at each other before we climbed out of the car and headed into the house. We said good night to Glen and Clay who were playing video games in the living room and headed upstairs where we called good night to Paula and Arthur who were getting ready for bed themselves. _

_Spencer led the way into her room and disappeared with her pyjamas into the bathroom. I got changed quickly in her room and waited until she walked back in. Spencer smiled shyly and stood nervously next to her bed. I bit my lip and glanced at the bed I had been sleeping in that bed every weekend and all school breaks for years now and I had never felt nervous about getting into it before._

"_Um so I guess we go to bed?" Spencer asked timidly._

_I nodded and said, "Yeah, but we don't need to be nervous, nothing needs to happen between us Spence. We are just figuring this all out so let's just go to sleep like we always do and not put pressure on ourselves for it to be more than that, ok?"_

_Spencer nodded with a relieved smile and climbed into her side of the bed. I smiled at her and slid into my side of the bed after turning out the light._

_We lay on our backs for a while, both staring up at the ceiling and trying carefully not to touch each other. After a few tense minutes I heard Spencer mutter, "This is ridiculous," before she took my hand in hers and gave it a gentle squeeze._

_I turned my head and grinned at her in the darkness, clutching her hand in mine. She leaned over and kissed my cheek before lying back on her side of the bed. Within minutes we were fast asleep, still holding hands and with huge grins on our faces._

_End Flashback_

It was a happy memory, the start of something that would come to mean so much to both of us, but even this happy memory almost tore me in two. How the hell am I going to get better when I can't even bare to think about the good times? How will I ever face my demons and come to terms with my past when it is all killing me?

It's too much. I don't know how I am ever going to beat this.

Glen POV

I headed into the office at Carlin House after my basketball session with some of the kids and smiled at my brother Clay, who was on the phone trying to get one of our more frequent flyers into an internship with a local graphic design company. This kid had first come to Carlin House as a runaway when he was 15 and had been back every few months since. With the help of the staff here (and mostly Clay) the guy was now 18 and on his way to college to study graphic design. It was just an example of some of the great outcomes Carlin House could achieve.

Our parents had set up this place years ago. Mom had just finished her surgical residency and was working as an ER doc and Dad was working as a social worker for LA Children Services. Both of them quickly got fed up with seeing these young people who just got caught up in the system and never made it out. I think it really got them down so they started looking into ways they could help.

They put feelers out to colleagues, shelters, youth services and schools and soon had a lot of interest and an idea that would grow to become Carlin House as it is today. Both of them had come from wealthy families in Ohio (our grandparents always gave the best gifts!) so they got their parent's to invest and bought the farm we all grew up on. It took them a while to find the right property. They wanted one with a lot of space, multiple entrances, lots of natural forest and one that wasn't too far out of town.

The house, barn and some paddocks were already there, but Carlin House itself took a year to plan and construct. It was built a good couple of minute drive from the main house on a beautiful piece of land that was surrounded by trees, a small lake and close to its own entrance gate so it wouldn't need to use the one that led to the house. They wanted the family home to be totally separate from their work.

The place is called Carlin House, but man is it a lot bigger than a normal house! Its big two-storey place with counselling rooms, a doctors area, various treatment rooms, a room for a dentist to use (the dentist comes in pro-bono once a week and all we need to pay for is the supplies and equipment), rec areas, dorms, a kitchen, dining areas and a fair bit more.

The place is split into areas, one is for low to medium needs and is mostly just a place people can crash and get a bit of help, then we have a specialised drug, alcohol and other addiction rehab area (over the last decade or so there has been an increase in the number of young people coming to us with eating disorders and such so the rehab program was extended so we could help them too), and then an area for other programs like homework help (Clay's baby, we have a bus that picks kids up from local schools and brings them to the farm 3 afternoons a week, the bus also drops them home), art classes, counselling, material assistance (clothing, toiletries, school supplies, etc), meals (we put on meals twice a day and give out take away lunches for the kids to take to school) and a whole heap of other stuff including equine therapy which was proving very useful.

Originally the place had only 3 staff, Mom, Dad and an admin lady named Rita who also tidied the place and babysat me and then Spencer and Clay while Mom and Dad worked. These days there were 12 full time staff, 8 part timers and about 7 others who donated their services on a regular basis like the dentist, a lawyer, 2 nurses and several others. Most of them, including a lot of the kids who used the Carlin House services, were practically family.

Carlin House was opened to young people aged 12 to 21 years old (although we weren't always so strict on that requirement) with a variety of needs. It was a place people were always welcome, no matter who they were or what their circumstances. It was a safe place free from judgement and so many of the kids who came through the House ended up going on to bigger and better things.

I think all us Carlin kids had felt the pull to contribute to the family endeavour. It was something Mom and Dad were so passionate about that it was easy to get infected by that passion. Clay had followed Mom into Med school and worked in the Rehab area most of the time. He also ran the homework program and had developed program that helped the kids with college (including scholarship and grant applications) and job applications.

Clay's wife Chelsea was an amazing artist who owned a gallery in West Hollywood where she exhibited her work. In addition to doing her own work, she also ran art therapy at Carlin House (which she studied in college) and 4 times a year she opened up her own gallery and displayed the kids' work. These shows not only raised the profile of Carlin House, but also were a great fundraiser for the House and the kids (who got to keep the money from the sale of their own art work).

Spencer had been involved with the music therapy area, working closely with the therapist and bringing in musicians and industry people to give the kids opportunities and hope. Once Allie was born and things with Ashley had gone down shit creek she had spent less and less time at the house, understandably. These days she mostly just helped in getting guest speakers and musicians to come in and was great at getting donations of instruments and recording equipment.

Ashley had also done a lot of performances and fundraising for the House, she used to come out regularly and meet the kids and do mentoring and stuff. Well that was until Kyla died.

My wife Madison had studied journalism at college and now worked as a reporter for Rolling Stone (Ashley's Dad Raife had hooked her up). She did writing workshops with the kids and helped with the homework program when she could. She was doing less these days as she was due to pop with our first baby in just over three weeks!

As for me, well I went on to college and got a social work degree like my dad. I know it was the last thing most people expected of me, I was kind of an immature ass in high school, but I really wanted to help people. When I was 17 I blew out my ACL playing basketball, thus ruining what I thought would be a professional basketball career. It was a dark time for me and I ended up addicted to pain killers. It was only through the support of my family and my counsellor (who was a social worker) that I got through it. Since then I realised what I really wanted to do with my life.

So my role at Carlin House was working with the homeless or at risk of homelessness kids. I loved what I did and got a lot of satisfaction out of it. I also ran sports programs for the kids, which I think I loved even more than they did.

Carlin House was a family and we all cared a lot about the place and the kids.

I grinned over at Clay as he hung up the phone with a triumphant smile, "Looks like the Gruenberg agency is willing to give Darryl an internship!"

I high fived my brother and said, "Congrats man, that's great. He's a good kid and will really get a lot from this opportunity."

Clay nodded and leaned back in his seat, "Oh and I spoke to Spencer earlier, she wants to have us all over for dinner this week, is that ok with you and Mad?"

"Yeah should be fine, I'll have to check with the boss, but I think she'll be fine with it. So how's Spencer doing?" I asked softly. Things had been a little nuts at the House so I hadn't seen as much of Spencer since Ashley arrived as I would have liked.

Clay frowned and said sadly, "I think she is struggling with everything more than she lets on. She is actually feeling hope and that scares her."

I slumped in my chair and sighed, "You really think she is hopeful? After everything they've gone through? I think she is preparing for the worst."

Clay shrugged, "You might be right, but I think against her better judgement she has hope that Ash will get better and they can rebuild their lives."

I sighed and swung my chair from side to side as I thought about my sister in law. Ashley and Kyla had been a fixture of our lives since that first day Raife and Dad had introduced Spencer and Ash. From then on the girls spent more time at the farm than they did at home. Ashley and Kyla were family long before Ash and Spence got together.

I missed them.

"I want to go back Clay, back to when Kyla was alive and we were all one big, sickeningly happy family. I want Spence and Ash to be a couple and Allie to have both her Moms. I want Sam to have his Mom and Aiden to not be so broken. I want the gang to be all together again, just like it used to be..." I trailed off as my mind began to wander back to simpler times.

_Flashback_

"_Glen!" Spencer shrieked as I splashed her with water from the pond._

_We were all sitting underneath the giant shade trees next to the pond about a 2 minute walk from the main house. It was a regular hang out for the group of us. The group consisted of me, Glen Carlin the oldest and best looking at 18, Clay who was almost 17, Chelsea, Madison, Spence and Ash who had all turned 16 in the last five or so months, Kyla who was 14 and Aiden, who was 14, almost 15. He was Kyla's shadow and best friend. I reckoned that Ky and Aide were gonna end up together! It was s freaking obvious._

_I grinned at my baby sister who huffed and snuggled in closer to Ashley. Those two were always kinda touchy, but that day they were constantly touching and looking at each other. They were acting stranger than they usually did._

_Kyla shoved Aiden and he toppled over in a heap. That boy was a bit of a bean stalk. He was wicked tall, but stick thin and all awkward. It was kind of funny watching him try and do things without being all clumsy about it. He was a good kid though and would do anything for Ky._

_Ky and Ash were my little sisters too. I would protect them the same way I protect Spence...and tease them the same way I tease her too! Hey if they want to be Glen Carlin's surrogate little sisters then they had to put up with the good and bad._

_Ashley rested her head on Spencer's shoulder and rolled her eyes at a giggling Kyla, "Ky, why did you shove Bambi?"_

_Aiden scowled and said grumpily, "Would you not call me that Ash?"_

_Ashley pretended to think about it and shrugged, "Sorry Bambi, you learn to walk without tripping over your own feet then I'll call you something else."_

_Spencer chuckled and slapped Ashley gently in the arm, earning her a swift grin from the other girl. I watched them as they shared a look and frowned a little. What was going on with them?_

_Aiden, blushing hotly, got to his feet and stumbled his way over to where a giggling Kyla was sitting up against a large rock near the edge of the pond. He loved her, that much was obvious. Eventually she would see it too and then those kids would totally hook up! I'd kill him if he ever hurt her. Well I'd kill him if Ashley didn't get in first._

_Spence raised her eyebrow at me and asked with a grin, "Um why are you glaring at Aiden?"_

_Ashley cleared her throat and interjected, "Um I believe we just cleared this up, his name is _Bambi_!"_

_Everyone, aside from Aiden, laughed. Spencer shook her head at Ashley and gazed into her eyes. I studied them carefully and watched the little subtleties about how they interacted with each other. It wasn't massively different, but there was something that had changed._

_I kept watching them as the conversation continued around me._

"_So what do you guys want to do later? We could order some pizzas and just hang out in the den? Mom and Dad won't mind." Clay suggested, looking quickly at Chelsea before looking away. Clay so had the hots for Chels! She was good friends with Spencer and Ash and he had been into her from the moment Spence first introduced them. I honestly think Chelsea wasn't interested, I think she thought he was a big geek._

_Madison flicked her hair over her shoulder and shrugged, "Sure why not? My Mom isn't expecting me home til late anyway."_

_Madison was the hottest girl I had ever seen. I mean, wow! She had these awesome green eyes and the sexiest curves. I loved it when she stayed the night at the farm, it just gave me more time to talk to her and hang out. I know she was only 16, but man she was just awesome. She had this wicked sense of humour that just got to me and she was smarter than most people thought. I'm pretty sure she just saw me as Spencer's older brother though. _

_The rest of the gang all agreed and we slowly gathered up all our stuff and started ambling back towards the house. Spencer grabbed Ashley's hand in hers, which wasn't out of the ordinary, it was the look she gave her that was. It was the kind of look I shot at Madison when I thought no one was looking. The difference here was that Ashley was looking back at Spencer in the same way._

_Could they be…I mean is it possible that they…are they…a couple?!_

_I looked over at them as they walked hand in hand to the house with the gang. Even though they were surrounded by all our friends it was still like it was just them alone together. That was the vibe I felt from them, that they were lost in their own world that the rest of us weren't able to enter. _

_What would it mean if they were a couple? I mean how would my parent's react? How would I react? How would it feel if my little sister was...gay?_

_Once we got to the house everyone headed for the den and I told them all I would order the pizzas, anything to give me a moment alone with my thoughts. I was about to dial when Ashley stepped into the room and said with a grin, "Doofus, don't forget your sister is mad on pineapple pizza at the moment so make sure you get one of those ok?"_

_I nodded and smiled at her, surprising her with my lack of a comeback, and said, "You care a lot about Spencer don't you?"_

_She gave me a weird smile and shrugged, "You know I do."_

_I nodded again and murmured, "Well that's all I need to know. Go tell the others to pick some movies and maybe call their folks so they can stay tonight and we'll all have a proper movie night."_

_Ashley grinned and headed off to the den. She loved Spencer, and not in the best friends kind of way. She was in love with Spencer and if I wasn't mistaken Spencer returned those feelings 100%. _

_So if Spencer being gay meant that she was with someone who loved her as much as Ashley does then how could that be wrong? It was, it was that simple. Love like that could never be wrong!_

_I smiled to myself and ordered the pizzas, making sure to charge them to the credit card I'd swiped from Ashley's purse. What? Her Dad was loaded and she would have offered to pay anyway!_

_After that was done I joined my friends in the den and beamed over at the recliner where Spencer and Ashley were snuggled together while Madison and Aiden argued over the choice of movies._

"_Not going to happen Bambi, we are not watching that lame ass movie!" Madison said, putting her hands on her hips and glaring at the kid. _

_Aiden threw his hands up in the air and grumbled, "Die Hard is not lame Madison!"_

_Madison shrugged and sat down on the sofa with her arms folded over her chest, "Maybe not, but we're still not watching it!"_

"_Ok, so let's just watch something else then!" Kyla shrieked, she had little patience for stupid fights._

_After a few more minutes of arguing and sullen silence from Aiden we all settled down to watch a movie. I watched as Spencer snuggled down in Ashley's arms with an expression so happy it made me wonder how I had never noticed how they felt about it each other before._

_I stood up and flicked off the TV, earning me groans and complaints from everyone. I walked over to stand in front of a very confused looking Spence and Ash and said softly, "I know ok."_

_Spencer's face scrunched up in confusion, while Ashley's immediately conveyed realisation. _

"_What are you talking about Glen?" Chelsea asked while Spencer and Ashley exchanged looks._

_I laughed, "Come on guys, it's so clear. I don't know how we didn't all see it before."_

_Spencer stood up and held up a warning hand, "Glen stop."_

_I smiled and shook my head, "No, not one person in this room will care Spencer. Tell them all the truth and no one here will think differently of you. I love you, Clay and Mom and Dad love you and none of that is going to change by you saying it out loud."_

_Ashley stood up beside Spencer and gave her hand a squeeze, "He's right Spence, it's not going to change the world if you say it."_

_Spencer shook her head, "It might."_

_Ashley smiled tenderly and murmured, "It won't."_

_I watched the confusion and fear cover my baby sister's face and I felt guilty that I acted without really thinking and had pushed her to out herself like this. I knew though that if she wasn't pushed then Spencer would be content to just hide forever. Neither her or Ash deserved that. I also wanted her to know that it was going to be ok._

_Everyone else in the room had their eyes glued to us, eagerly awaiting Spencer's next move. She searched Ashley's eyes and must have found what she was looking for because she smiled a tiny little grin and faced the group. Spencer took a deep breath and said softly, "Ash and I are…well we're…we're a couple."_

_There was dead silence for a second before everyone erupted in loud cheers and laughter._

_Kyla smirked at everyone and bragged, "I totally knew before anyone else! I know all!"_

_Aiden had a dreamy expression as he mumbled, "That is so hot…ouch!" That ouch was because Kyla had punched him in the gut._

_Ashley glared and snapped, "Shut it Bambi!"_

_Chelsea smiled at the couple and said with a chuckle, "You guys know we could totally tell right? I mean you two have been even more sickly sweet than usual. It's nice to see you guys finally working it out."_

_Spencer blushed and looked down at the ground before she murmured, "So are you guys seriously ok with this?"_

_Madison sighed, "Did you really think we wouldn't be Spence? I mean we are your friends and we love you guys, why would we care that you two are gay?"_

_Spencer bit her lip and held Ashley's hand in a death grip, "I was just so scared that you would all think I was disgusting or something. I mean people say the most horrible things at school about gay people."_

_Clay walked over and grabbed her free hand, "Spence, those people are idiots. They are stupid and scared and just covering up how insecure they are by tearing down other people. No one here would ever judge you for who you are and if anyone at school ever says anything then they will have all of us to deal with, ok?"_

_Everyone else nodded and agreed loudly. Spencer grinned and then said, "Um can you guys please keep this to yourselves for a little while? We aren't quite ready to tell our parents yet."_

"_No drama chica, none of us will say a damn thing," Madison promised with a grin._

"_Mom, Dad, Anne and Raife are going to be pretty excited I reckon," Clay said with a shrug, adding, "but they won't hear it from anyone but you two."_

_I moved over and stood in front of my little sister and said softly, "Mom and Dad will only know once you are ready for them to. I'm sorry if I forced you to face up to this, I'm sorry if you weren't ready. I just didn't want you to hide something that makes you so happy you sing in the shower and dance in the kitchen."_

_Spencer blushed and hissed, "Glen, shut up!"_

_I laughed and pulled her into a hug. Spencer dropped Ashley and Clay's hands to wrap her arms around me. I whispered softly into her ear, "I will always love you and have your back Spence. You and Ashley will never need to worry about a damn thing as long as I'm around."_

_End Flashback_

Sadly I hadn't been able to protect Spencer and Ashley from what life threw at them. No one saw it coming, no one predicated that everything would end up the way it had.

Clay stood up and clapped me on the back, "I know man, I wish things were different too. Let's just do what we can to look out for our family, I include Ashley in that too."

I nodded and flashed my brother a sad smile. I would do what I could to protect my family.


	15. Chapter 15

I am sorry for the delay…again. I have no excuse other than the craziness of life.

Thank you to all who are still reading, and especially those who have been reviewing. I write for all of you and I hope you like this chaper.

**Angels on the Moon**

Chapter Fifteen

Spencer's POV

I pulled the roast from the oven and smiled in satisfaction, it was perfect! If there was one thing I was really good at it was cooking. I had spent years watching my Dad in the kitchen as he whipped up culinary miracle after miracle and it had inspired me to learn to be as good a cook as him. It was something I took real pride in.

I beamed at Allie who stood next to me on her special stool (so she could reach the counter) watching every move I made. It was exactly how I had been when I was her age watching my Dad cook. Even as a baby she would sit in her high chair in the kitchen and just fix her big blue eyes on me while I cooked. It was something special we had always shared.

"What do you think kiddo? Will this roast do?" I asked with a grin.

Allie thoughtfully considered the roasted chicken before nodding her approval and saying, "It's perfect Mommy!"

I grinned at her and was about to respond when the sound of the front door opening and lots of happy laughing stole Allie's attention from me. Allie hopped off her stool and bolted out of the kitchen towards the front hallway. I wiped my hands on a dish towel and quickly walked down the hall to see what was going on.

I beamed at the sight of Glen lifting a squealing Allie over his head as the rest of the guests all laughed and shuffled in. "Hey guys, welcome!" I called out as I headed over to greet each of my family, who had arrived, with hugs and kisses. Everyone aside from Mom, Dad and Ashley would be joining us for dinner.

Allie soon stole their attention back from me and started leading them all into our dining room and showing them to their allocated seats. Allie had spent the afternoon making individual place cards for each person. Each card had their name and a carefully drawn picture that Allie associated with them. For example her Aunty Chelsea had a picture of some paint brushes, Uncle Glen had a basketball, Uncle Clay had a stethoscope, Poppy had a guitar and Vanessa had a cupcake (she is a caterer and had baked every one of Allie's four birthday cakes).

Everyone laughed and commented on the carefully made cards until Allie had enough and grabbed Hailey's hand and dragged her off towards the toys in the living room. I laughed and shook my head, "My daughter ladies and gentlemen, the hostess who soon loses interest!"

Everyone chuckled and smiled fondly at the two little girls who were now engrossed in their game involving Allie's toy horses.

"Ok guys dinner is literally just about ready, I just need a few minutes to dish up and put on the finishing touches. Glen, Clay can you guys please get drinks for everyone and you ladies can just relax, I'm scared if Madison doesn't sit down soon she'll go into labour in my front hall and I am so not prepared to deliver my niece or nephew!"

Madison rolled her eyes and waddled over to the sofa behind the girls and was soon just as engrossed in their game as they were. Vanessa and Chelsea headed into the kitchen with Vanessa declaring that, "She was the expert and would swoop in to fix my disaster," I assumes she was kidding, I'm an excellent cook!

I was about to head into the kitchen when there was a knock on the door. I headed over and swung it open to find a smiling Aiden, Sam Raife and Anne on the other side. I beamed at them and attacked them each with fierce hugs. Since our visit the other day I had been determined to keep my promise of seeing them often.

"Hey guys, thank you so much for coming! The gang is so excited to see you," I gushed as I led them into the living room. Allie squealed in excitement and bolted over for hugs from her Nanna, Poppy, Uncle Aiden and Sam. Madison heaved herself up off the sofa and waddled over for her own hug.

The Davies and Carlins were family and I think everyone had missed each other deeply after we had all gone our separate ways in the years that followed Kyla's death. She would have been so mad at all of us for letting the distance grow between us. She was a family woman and it would have been the last thing she ever wanted for her extended family.

Glen, Clay, Vanessa and Chelsea soon joined us after hearing the familiar voices. Within minutes everyone was laughing and crying as they hugged and madly tried to catch up on the last couple of years. Once Ashley had left, my family had almost nothing to do with the Davies. I mean I know they still got in touch with Aiden from time to time, but that was it.

After a few minutes of our tearful reunion I called out, "How about we move this to the dining room otherwise our dinner is going to be cold."

Everyone shuffled into the dining room and took their assigned seats. I smiled at the sight of Sam making his way into the dining room unassisted using his crutches, the last time I'd seen him, before my visit the other day, he had been almost entirely wheelchair bound. I helped Allie, Hailey and Sam into their seats, earning me grateful smiles from their parents. It was hard being a single parent, as Aiden, Vanessa and I all knew, so you were always grateful when someone took over for even a moment.

I quickly carved the roast and dispensed portions to everyone while they chatted amongst themselves. Once that was done I announced, "Ok dig in!"

Everyone grinned and reached for plates of roast veggies, bread rolls and all the other trimmings of a roast dinner. I beamed at Raife as he helped Allie load up her plate and cut up her meat. I had very strategically sat the kids near adults who weren't their parents, it gave us the night off! Allie was next to Poppy, Hailey was next to Chelsea and Sam was beside Anne. I am an evil genius sometimes.

The meal was spent laughing, catching up and scarfing down way too much food. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so connected to my family. It was just a shame that my parents and Ashley weren't there. We had shared a lot of meals together as a family, a giant family of people who loved each other regardless of blood relationships or biology. Everyone had loved each other just because.

That was one of the most special elements of our extended family, we loved each other unconditionally and stood by each other. Well that was until we lost Kyla and, by extension, Ashley. Kyla had been the straw that broke the back of our family and in losing her we lost sight of the wonderful gift we had in our family. Each of us disappeared into our own worlds of grief and sadness as a means of coping. Instead what we should have done was cling that much tighter to each other and find strength in the amazing bond of this family.

At least we were making amends now.

After dinner the kids headed into the living room to watch a movie Vanessa went and put it on for them and the adults all settled around the dining room table with coffee to talk.

"I can't even tell you how happy it makes me to see all of you kids together again," Anne said with a soft, contented smile.

Aiden flashed a grin and replied, "I think we were always going to find our way back here once we were ready."

There were a lot of sad smiles and then Raife raised his mug and murmured softly, "I want to raise a toast to family and being here together. I also want to toast to the family who isn't here for various reasons. Whether we are separated by death or life's circumstances, it doesn't change how we feel about them. To family."

"To family," was softly echoed by everyone in the room before we took sips of our coffee (de-caff in Madison's case).

I smiled around the table and felt a strange mix of peace and sadness. We would never have Kyla back, but maybe, just maybe we would get Ashley back and be able to move forward with all of us together. For the first time in a long time, I actually had real hope.

Being there with all of them, the obvious gaps from the people who weren't there, it all made me think back to the days when it was really just beginning…

_Flashback_

_I walked slowly into the kitchen, trying unsuccessfully to sneak up on my Dad as he whipped up a culinary delight. Dad spun around at the last moment and said softly, "Gotcha." I jumped back, shrieking like a little girl with my hand clamped over my racing heart._

"_Dad! You scared the crap out of me!" I gasped as he just laughed and continued stirring a pot of sauce that was making my mouth water in a very unattractive way._

"_Well I think the argument could be made that I just beat you to what you were aiming to do to me, would that be about right?" Dad grinned._

_I nodded and shrugged, "it's not like I've ever been able to sneak up on you, but a girls gotta try!"_

_Dad chuckled and continued moving around the kitchen. We were having guest over for dinner tonight, the Davies. Our parents tried to do a big family dinner with all of us at least once a month, but Raife had been out on tour for a while and we hadn't had one for like 3 months. _

_I was nervous, I'll admit. Ashley and I had been secretly dating for almost five months now. Although I guess it was really only secret from our parents and most of the kids at school, our siblings and best friends all knew and despite teasing us mercilessly they had been super supportive._

_Tonight though, tonight Ashley and I were planning on telling our parents. We figured if we told them in front of witnesses then they might not be as inclined to go postal. I was so scared I was sure I was going to end up on the end of a lecture/tirade from my very catholic mother._

_Dad flicked his eyes over to me, clearly having noticed the sudden change in my expression. "Hey Sweetheart, what's going on in that busy head of yours?"_

_I shrugged, "Um nothing Dad."_

_He smiled kindly and said softly, "Strangely I don't buy that. You don't have to tell me, but I want you to know that no matter what, literally __no matter what__, your mother and I are going to love and support you," Dad paused, turned to face me and finished gently, "no matter who you love."_

_I felt my mouth fall open and I stared at him wide eyed, "Uh…um...ah…what…what?"_

_Dad chuckled and reached over to give my shoulder a squeeze, "Spencer I know you're gay and I know you love Ashley and its ok. Nothing is ever going to change how your mother and I feel about you or how we feel about Ashley."_

_I stared at him for a moment and then burst into tears. Dad pulled me into his arms and let my cry into his 'kiss the chef' apron until I could compose myself. I pulled back and looked up at him, "How?"_

_He grinned, "Spence Sweetie you and Ashley are not as sneaky as you think you are, plus I have always known. From the day you and Ashley met I knew that you two were always going to be the biggest and most important part of each other's lives. I was just waiting for you to realise it too."_

_I bit my lip and asked in a tiny voice, "So you don't hate me then?"_

_Dad shook his head and kissed my forehead, "I could never hate you, everything is going to be ok I promise."_

_And I believed him._

_Twenty minutes later Ashley, Kyla and their parents arrived. As soon as Ash was in the door I grabbed her hand and dragged her up stairs to my room. As soon as we were inside she leaned in and planted a sweet kiss on my lips, flashing me a smile that made my heart sing. I grinned back and sat on the bed pulling her with me._

"_So my Dad knows, and I think Mom too," I said softly._

_Ashley's eyes widened and she squeezed my hands in hers, "How did they find out? Are you ok? Are they ok?"_

_I laughed at her rush of questions and replied, "Dad said he has always known and that we aren't quite as stealthy as we thought. He was totally, 100% fine with it and said Mom would be too." I paused and thought for a second before saying, "And I'm ok, great even. I was so scared to tell them and know I know it's all going to be ok."_

_Ashley beamed at me and leaned in to kiss me once again. I held her close to me until the sound of our names being called from downstairs alerted us to the rest of the world._

_We got to our feet and clasped our hands together as we walked out of the room. I squeezed her hand in mine as we descended the stairs and walked into the dining room where everyone was getting seated around the table in preparation for dinner. I caught Kyla's eye and watched her grin widen at the sight of Ashley and I holding hands. She had always been the biggest supporter of our relationship, especially in the beginning when we were trying to figure it all out. _

_I cleared my throat and started to speak, holding onto Ashley's hand like it was a life raft, "So um Ash and I have something we want to tell you all."_

_All eyes in the room turned to us. Kyla, Glen and Clay with smirks, Dad with an encouraging smile, Mom with a knowing twinkle in her eye and looks of anticipation from Raife and Anne._

_Ashley squeezed my hand and smiled at everyone, "So you all know that Spencer and I are close, I mean she is my other half and I'm hers. It uh might not really surprise you then when we tell you…"_

_Ashley trailed off nervously so I blurted out, "we're gay and in love!"_

_There was a deafening silence following my outburst and then laughter from everyone but Ash and I. I blushed hotly and stared down at my feet. Ashley squeezed my hand again and just stayed quiet as our families laughed themselves silly._

_After a few moments my Dad grinned at both of us and said kindly, "Sorry to laugh girls, but this isn't exactly a shock to any of us and the way Spencer just blurted it out…well that was priceless!"_

_I rolled my eyes and finally joined in the laughter, soon followed by Ashley. Raife jumped up and wrapped both of us in a warm hug, "I am so proud of both of you," was murmured to us._

_Soon everyone was up on their feet giving us hugs and words of love and support. Gosh now that it was over I could hardly understand why I had been so scared of telling them all. Ash and I were so lucky to have the family and friends that we did._

_After the hugs were done we all sat down and Mom and Dad brought out our feast. I beamed at Ashley and then around the table and knew that I was truly blessed. _

_End Flashback_

I brought myself out of my memories and back to the conversation. We continued chatting, pouring over the details of each other's lives like they were pieces of treasure. Which I guess they were to us. After about half an hour Madison struggled to her feet and smiled at us, "I'm just going to go see what the kids are up to, my maternal instincts are out of control at the moment!"

We all laughed and nodded in understanding as she waddled into the living room.

"So Glen, are you ready for this?" Aiden said with a grin.

Glen's smile widened to epic proportions as he said determinedly, "I am so ready, I think I was born ready for this!"

I reached over and gave his hand a squeeze, "I am so excited for you big brother."

"Thanks baby sis, so you know you're going to be on speed dial to provide parenting advice right?" Glen said, giving my hand a squeeze in return.

"I assumed as much, I can certainly tell you what _not_ to do!" I said self-deprecatingly.

Raife gazed at me with a look of disbelief before saying, "I think you might be wrong there. Allie is a wonderful, kind, compassionate little girl and that is all down to you. You have truly done a wonderful job in what has been a really tough circumstance."

I flashed him a grateful grin and blushed down at my plate. I was about to respond when Allie came rushing into the room, pale faced and yelling, "Mommy Aunty Madison wet her pants on the sofa!"

I met Glen's eyes for just a second and then we were both on our feet rushing into the living room with the others all jumping up behind us. I heard mingled voices all raised in panic and worry as I leapt over the coffee table and stood beside my sister in law who was red faced and breathing heavily.

"Maddy are you ok?" I asked softly.

She scoffed and snapped, "Um no chica, I'm not. I am pretty certain my water just broke!" She glared up at Glen and the others who were hovering in the corner, "Would you guys stop staring at me! Glen go get my things and call the hospital! Spencer, would you please help me off your sofa before I owe you a new one and would the rest of you get these kids out of here so I can start swearing my head off because I think my contractions are coming with a vengeance now!"

Raife, Anne and Vanessa all hurried the kids out of the room and down the hall towards Allie's bed room. Chelsea joined me at Madison's side and helped my get her on her feet and moving towards the dining room. Glen fished his phone out of his pocket and stepped out of the room to call the hospital. Aiden and Clay just stood there in shock, not totally sure what they should be doing.

Everything was happening in a weird mix of fast forward and slow motion. It was like everything was happening really fast, but at the same time hardly moving at all.

Madison screamed out a choice selection of curse words in Spanish as we helped her to the comfy chair in the corner of my kitchen, it was where I liked to enjoy my morning coffees and look out over the farm.

Glen raced back in, looking as if he kind of wanted to cry, and stammered, "The hospital want to know how far apart the contractions are and um something about a mucous plug?"

I rolled my eyes and snatched the phone off him as Madison glared hotly. She was going to be really unpleasant to be around once this baby was really coming out.

I raised the phone to my ears, but before I could speak it was snatched out of my hands and words were screamed so loudly and ferociously down the line that I could only make out the swear words. Madison finally handed the phone back to me and I held it shakily up to my ear as the nurse on the other end croaked out, "um please bring Mrs Duarte-Carlin in right away."

I looked at a smug looking Madison and hung up the phone, "Um I guess we hit the hospital."

Glen helped Madison to her feet and out to the car while the rest of us organised ourselves.

We arranged for Raife and Anne to take Sam and Allie to their place while Vanessa took Hailey home. Clay called Mom and Dad to fill them in and I collected up some things that might be useful at the hospital like food, drink, books, magazines and even some travel pillows so we could try and catch some sleep. Once all that was organised Clay, Chelsea, Aiden and I jumped into my truck and headed for the hospital.

I tried to drive under the speed limit, I _tried_, but I ended up getting to the hospital a good ten minutes earlier than you'd expect. We parked and headed inside, following the loud shrieks of Spanish curse that echoed down the hall.

We arrived at a jog and found Glen pacing outside a room where it sounded like Madison was threatening the midwife. I walked over and pulled my brother into a hug.

He hugged me back fiercely and said, "It's too soon right Spence? I mean it's got to be too soon?"

I shook my head, "Not at all, Allie was a bit early and look how well she has turned out," I paused as Glen grinned at me and then continued, "The doctors and midwives all know what they're doing. It's all going to be fine big brother."

Glen pulled me into his arms and dropped a kiss on the crown of my head. I snuggled up to him and tried not to think about my own labour in this very hospital. That night had been both the best of my life and one of the worst.

Glen released me and we all settled down for a long wait. After about twenty minutes Madison demanded Glen's presence and off he went like an obedient, albeit scared, little puppy.

I called Mom and Dad to update them on the impending arrival of their second grandchild and got to listen to Mom cry excitedly down the line. Actually half an hour after we got off the phone Mom was power walking through the front door of the hospital with hot (non-hospital) coffees for everyone and some of Dad's homemade muffins (he tried to bake some daily to share between the family and the residents at Carlin House).

Dad had stayed at home in case Ashley needed him. We had decided not to tell her Madison was in labour until we knew all was well. We figured that given everything that she was going through it was best to wait for good news.

"So have you heard anything new?" Mom asked as we all sat down in the waiting room.

Clay sighed tiredly and shook his head, "No, nothing new to report. We do hear intermittent cursing in Spanish, but that's it so far."

Mom nodded and said, "Well she is probably not quite in active labour yet, the doctors and nurses here are wonderful and Madison is in the best hands to help her through this."

It was a long night. We all tried to sleep in the evil contraptions that were the waiting room chairs in between the irregular updates from Glen as the labour dragged on into the early hours of the next morning. I made several phone calls to Dad and to Raife and Anne to update them on the progress.

Finally at about 9 am I felt a hand gently shaking me awake. "Spence, Spence time to wake up and meet your nephew."

I bolted up right and looked into the happy face of my biggest brother. I wrapped my arms around a proud looking Glen and laughed happily. "Everything went well?"

Glen nodded with tear of happiness spilling down his stubbly cheeks, "Yeah, he is beautiful and Madison is my hero. I never knew I could love like this."

I kissed his cheek and followed him towards the room where my nephew waited. The family all followed along, clearly all awake before I was. We quietly entered the hospital room to find an exhausted, but radiant Madison cradling a little bundle wrapped in blue.

She beamed up at us and Glen moved quickly to her side, dropping a loving kiss on her forehead and then his son's. "Guys we would like to introduce you to Zacharias Arthur Carlin," Glen murmured adoringly, his eyes never leaving his son's face.

"Oh my goodness, he is so beautiful," Mom cried softly. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and gave her a warm squeeze.

I took out my phone and snapped a few pictures to take back to show Dad, Allie and the Davies and then fixed my eyes on my nephew as my mother took him tenderly into her arms.

Zacharias snuggled into Mom's arms and promptly stole all hearts in the room (not that he hadn't already). He had a mop of dark chocolate brown hair (much like what I suspected Madison's natural colour was under all the blonde highlights), soft caramel coloured skin and the thickest black eyelashes I had ever seen. I wondered if he had gotten the Carlin blue eyes or not.

Soon it was my turn to hold him and I felt my heart fill with love for this tiny person. "Hi there Zach, it's so good to finally meet you. You are the luckiest little boy in the world because you just so happen to be a part of the best family you could wish for," I cooed gently to my nephew. I felt happy tears on my cheeks and beamed up at the proud parents, "Maddy, you have really outdone yourself."

Everyone laughed and after Aiden, Clay and Chelsea each had a hold we left Glen, Madison and Zach to rest. Madison's parents were flying back from Europe and were expected later in the day, so it was best they get some rest now.

We walked tiredly out to the parking lot and over to our cars. I gave Mom a fierce hug and said softly, "Don't tell Ash about baby Zach yet, I just don't know how she'll react."

Mom sighed, "I think she'll be ok Spence, this is happy news and it might make some difference to her."

I shook my head and replied, "Actually I think it will remind her of _that_ night. After that goddamn night every time someone mentioned a baby or birth Ashley went and got drunk or high. Please just give it a few days and we'll see how she's doing?"

"If it's what you think is best then of course. I'd better get back to your Dad and show him the photos of Zach, plus I bet he'd love to come and see him." Mom said as she pulled out her keys.

We all hugged goodbye and then climbed into the cars to head home. What a huge night!


End file.
